Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Exhausted

Hello everybody!

I've been quite exhausted the past couple days.. not really sure about why? I've had a hard time getting to sleep the past two nights. So that's probably it. My head's just been spinning around and around and I haven't fallen asleep till around 1:30. And then I've been late to class in the mornings because I just haven't been able to drag myself out of bed. Wanting another 2 hours of lost sleep. but of course it's just to get to class, get through the day, and finally go home to take a nap or something.. that's sounding quite welcome today?

After school I'm going to a thrift shop in town with two friends, and then i'll go home, shower, and take a nice long nap! I'm not sure about tonight's plans, I may go to dinner with a friend, but I also have a lot of english work to catch up on because I've been putting a bit less effort in school lately. I've just had too much mental crap going on to put energy into school.

I don't know how to describe how I feel though.. just bad. Really bad. Everything's been so hard. I don't know how to put it into words though. Maybe I'll try later. For now I'm too exhausted to try. (I wish it were socially acceptable to take a nap in the library!! hehe. Maybe I'll find some corner and do it anyways ;)

 Hope you're all having good days!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My head is spinning and spinning and my thoughts just won't leave me alone

Monday, December 10, 2012

I think I will try to make a vlog today when I get home! Seeing as I'm in quite a blogging (instead of homework) mood right now :) and maybe I'll update my theme and cover picture as well!

Pictures

Here's my photos from this weekend! 

Okay, they all got quite out of order when they were uploaded from my mobile to the post? But oh well, you'll just have to figure it out ;D haha! No, I'll put some captions :)

Tree shopping!

Tree lighting

Our tree!



My friends and I after dinner Saturday night

My cat... how tall is this thing???? She's never seen a tree, as we haven't gotten one since we got our cats, and they're indoor cats so they have never seen a tree :D

Tree shopping

A more in-focus picture of our beautiful tree!

Tree shopping

Beautiful sky on tree lighting night

Our tree when we picked it from the tree lot

Tree lighting- the band playing (aka all of my friends deserting me, but a friend's parents adopted me into their group haha).

Non-instagrammed version of me at the tree farm

Dinner on Saturday

Shopping center from saturday night

Saturday dinner

Tree at shopping center again

A wall at the restaurant from Saturday- TRUTH! Supposed to be pointing at the 'you are very pretty', I don't know what sempre means :P
And the one that's cut off.. supposed to say "I always think you are perfect." Kind of an awkward place to get cut off in the picture though???? LOL!

Shopping center

Yes, my friend and I laid down under a christmas tree on Friday.. we're just that cool. (yes, this is gonna become my new facebook cover photo.)

Giant chess board at the shopping centre, there was a supppper cute guy playing chess although you can't see him in the picture, my friends were trying to get me to talk to him and have us start a conversation or something because we would have totally been perfffff together except i'm not brave enough to talk to strangers :D It's hard to see him in this picture though.

Tree shopping

My cats.. what the heck is going on??
Christmas, that's what's going on :) 

Christmas Tree

I got my christmas tree yesterday! It was really fun, and it looks so beautiful in my house :) I'll post pictures in a seperate post as I'm on a library computer right now and all my pictures are on my mobile.

I haven't been on the blog lately, I've been pretty busy the past few days. On Friday I had school, then my usual library time, and then met with my friends before our town's Tree Lighting, which was in the evening as it got dark. It was really fun, my town has this big tree covered in lights for christmas in our plaza, so everybody gathers there and the band plays, there is a man dressed as Santa and horse-drawn carriage rides, glow sticks and snacks being sold, and many families with their small kids dancing around. When the sun goes down, they light up the huge tree for the first time of the holidays, and it stays lit after that until the holidays are over. Quite a fun tradition! After that a group of us had thai food and returned to a friend's house, where we stayed watching scary movies, talking, playing cards, and drinking tea until 11:30 when we thought it was late enough we should probably head home :)

Then on Saturday, I went to lunch and shopping for christmas things with three friends, and then met up with a large group of us that were in the flute section last year for dinner and a night out at a fancy little shopping area near my town, which was SUPER fun! Saturday was pretty great overall.

Sunday I slept in quite a bit! Then mum and I sat around on the couch watching cheesy christmas love movies (aah, can't remember the names now??? I'm so bad with names!). And then we eventually went out to get our tree and decorated it! I had procrastinated on my homework (for once, I absolutely never procrastinate!) so I got to that around 8:30. But around 10, I realized, I had done my homework for the wrong classes!!!! arghhh! So then I had to do a ton of calculus homework. But I didn't stay up too late, I decided to get my sleep instead of finishing it.

Today has been fine so far, I haven't really felt like doing schoolwork (hence the blogging right now :D) and really have just focused on art today. Spending my breaks in the art room and such.

And I have some days of the christmas challegne to make up, so I'll do that now since I don't want to do my work, haha!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I feel like this describes my life perfectly right now..

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas Challenge #1-5

1. Your favourite christmas movie. 

To be honest I don't really like christmas movies? Haha! I can't even think of one off the top of my head..

2. Your 2012 Christmas Wish List.

Hmm.. well, I would love a Lululemon top to go with my pants and mat :D And I want a polaroid/film camera really badly! Like, any of these, especially the polaroids, I would loveeeee a polaroid :)
But other than that.. I don't really want anything. I want people to give me money to put towards sponsoring a child to go to school in Nepal (something I stillllll haven't written a post about, I have no clue how I haven't yet because it's one of the most major important things in my life at the moment, one of my main focuses! You'll hear about it all soon, remind me to post about it!). So yeah, I would love for people to give me like $20 or something instead of a present. Because.. well I'll get into all my rambling about this in another post, i'm serious I could take up a few pages writing about this. So I'll save that for later :)

3. When/how did you learn that Santa was not real?

Sometime in middle school I think? I don't really know. I just kind of realized that none of that make-believe kid stuff was real. Like that my stuffed animals couldn't actually talk, and there was no santa/easter bunny/anything like that, just a part of growing up.

4. Favourite Christmas song

That's a really hard question, I've never really thought about it! Maybe Sleigh Ride :) And for a more classic 'christmas carol', I suppose Angels We Have Heard On High.

5. Best gift you've ever received. 

Aah I honestly have no idea? lol! I don't really remember what christmas gifts I've gotten! I suppose, I was very excited when I got my first iPod back in middle school? Haha! I don't think that's the best, but it was definitely a great one. I can't really remember a specific best, now that I think of it I actually can't remember what any of my christmas presents have been!

Christmas!

Hi all!

I am just absolutely full of christmas pepp right now!!! anyone else super excited for the holidays?????? BECAUSE I SURE AM! :)

And that's when I saw Izzy posting about the 25 Day Christmas Challenge, I absolutely had to do it as well :)











So you can look forward to this until Christmas :)

Friday, November 30, 2012

Theme change

I'm thinking about a background change for my blog.. new design? I just feel like a new fresh change right now! What do you think?

Something's wrong

I know something's wrong when I'm thinking to myself, "Maybe I'm beginning to relapse. But not in a bad way." Yeah,'that's not such a good thing to think????? Maybe a sign something's up?? :/

I have to stay strong and not give in. But that's just so hard sometimes, especially when my mind is shouting at me, you're fine! You're recovered! You shouldn't have to keep going to the doctor every other week! (The thing that is probably keeping me from a complete relapse right now, because I absolutely cannot lose weight again when I go next time. And for as long as I have to go for that matter.) The voices shouting in my head, they're all just paranoid, they're wrong, they don't know what they're talking about. They have nothing to be worried about. I'm fine. Recovered and healthy and doing just awesome. That's me.

Usch. I think I'll see my counsellor Darin at school tomorrow because I'm quite stressed out and very upset at the moment. Hopefully that will help. And YAY for tomorrow being Friday, although I have a bit of a full (and potentially triggering?) weekend ahead of me.

Well seeing as I should get some sleep, goodnight/good morning/good afternoon, whichever applies to you :)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I haven't disappeared!

Hello everybody!

No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything, I'm still here :) Seems like I just haven't blogged in ages??

Everything's been going kind of rough lately.. I'm not sure, like I've been more down and depressed than usual. And high-anxiety. But like there's nothing wrong? I don't know what's going on with me. I suppose it's just to keep going through the rough times. Hope that things will start to get better. And manage the best I can until then? (plus my meds were just raised, so maybe that will start to help me soon :)).

Food has been going really well. Except that at my past two doctors appointments the past month (having them every two weeks now), i've had a weight drop :/ But it hasn't been my fault!! A month ago, I was having insanely high anxiety and a lot of reflux issues, so it was hard for me to eat without a ton of heartburn pain and such, so I was eating not as much as I should have, but not in a restricting way. But I got meds for my reflux and it's helped a TON. And then two weeks ago I had a really horrid stomach virus a few days before my appointment, and basically anything I ate would come right back up, even just a sip of water or something. So that was absolutely terrible, and I had nothing to eat or drink during the entire day, and then next day all I could manage was soup and crackers :/ I was absolutely ravenous after that, just wanted food and food and more food. But of course I had lost weight at my appointment a couple days after, even with normal eating when my sickness was over. But my doctor understood both of those of course, however at my appointment next week if I have lost weight again then I'll have to go every week again.. which NO I will NOT have to do!! I am completely determined that I will gain back my lost weight at my next appointment!

What else have I been up to? Well, lots of hanging out with friends. Lots of art! Listening to music. Studying. Just living, as normal of a life as I can!

Also, I've been nominated by the lovely Izzy for the Liebster Blog Award! So I'm going to be writing about that in another post :)

Writing this post i've realized, I miss blogging regularly! I know I always say this, but this time I'm going to try my absolute hardest to stick to blogging daily once again :)

And as I feel like I'm always saying in my posts.. I've been doing a ton on Instagram lately, I totally love it! And they've just started doing these really nice online profiles, so take a look at my instagram on http://instagram.com/watercolorelephant :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Waking up early is nice!

Hello! This morning I woke up very early (or compared to usual -.-), not an easy task let me tell you. But i'm even early enough to write a quick post before I have to go have breakfast and such! I'm feeling fine so far this morning.. but just kind of weird and freaked out. Like i've been almost verging on hyper-positive? I don't know, my mood is just so all over the place, I wouldn't be surprise if I'm wanting to od in another half hour or something :/ and also this morning my mind is just kind of going on and on and on.. I just want to be like, "SHUT UP!!!! I JUST WOKE UP!!" But of course you can't quite do that in your mind :) Hoping I have a good day today!

And I'm taking with me a hot chocolate mix to school so that I can make a mocha at study period.. we have coffee in the arts room, I tasted coffee for the first time last week but it was black and it was the absolutely most horrid thing I've ever had!!!!!! But last night I tasted my friend's mocha at starbucks and it was delicious, so i'm going to try making one today, and all the sugar/caffiene will pep me a bit for my tiring classes ;)

Anyways, how are you all doing? Seems like I've kind of been away from the blog world for a while! I've been reading other's blogs still, but not having the time/energy to leave comments or really totally concentrate or anything, more just kind of skimming. So let me know how you're doing, you're all awesome and I hope you're doing well :)


Tried on this adorable dress at H&M on sunday :)

And i've been quite active on instagram lately, so if you're wondering what i'm up to, well look on here: http://web.stagram.com/n/watercolorelephant/
:)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Strange things happening in my mind

Hello everybody :)

Well as you can tell from my last post.. things are kinda weird right now? Not quite right. And I don't really know what's happening.. I guess it's just brain chemicals being all funny though. 

ED-wise i'm doing quite well, I don't really worry about food anymore. It's yummy. I don't get anxiety over eating. I eat when I'm hungry. If I want to take some more of something, or have an extra snack one day because i'm more hungry than usual, then i will. I listen to my body, what it's craving, what I need. And it's pretty awesome!! :)

But depression-wise i've been quite bad lately, hence my blogging pause. Yesterday and today have ended up particularly terrible.. I was super depressive yesterday morning and was really suicidal, something I haven't felt that intense in a while.. the thoughts come up every so often, but not like this time. I actually went to the medicine cabinet and took out my bottle of anxiety meds which I got perscribed recently (they will basically make me pass out if I'm having an anxiety attack, so that I don't do anything crazy or stupid.. yup, that's the kind of stuff i need, messed up me :s). And wondered if the 20 yellow pills in there would be enough to kill me. And then of course I went to the computer, looked it up, but there wasn't enough info anywhere for me to find out.. And thankfully I have enough control over myself to not have taken it. Because really, these thoughts are completely coming out of nowhere, I don't know why i'm feeling so down.. things are going great in my life???? 

And I ended up self harming that night. Disappointed in myself over that. I hadn't in quite a long time. 

Then last night, I had that dream I mentioned.. it was pretty much an exact replica of that day, except that i had taken the pills and ended up in the hospital. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way in real life. 

Today was complete shit. I don't really know why. It just was. I feel absolutely terrible for no reason at all. Mum and I got in a huge argument later which didn't help my already-terrible mood. And then I had therapy which just put me in a worse mood.. didn't enjoy it at all today, i'm just so sick of therapy and doctors and all of that. I just want to live a normal life. 

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow will be better. 

Pretzels & Nutella

Seriously one of the best things I know!! :) If you haven't had it, well, TRY IT!!! :)


I had a dream last night that I OD'd and ended up in the hospital.. What does that say about how I'm doing right now? Not so well..

Hope you're all well, now it's time for me to head to school, where I really do not want to be. :/ ill post more later probably.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Recovery Problems

Going shopping and not knowing your clothing sizes post-weight restoration -.-

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

i'm just so miserable i don't know what's going on why are my emotions so different all of a sudden

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

On my way to class, just trying to breathe normally, keep my anxiety in.. Trying not to have a panic attack here.. Not looking forward to seeing his face next to me in a few seconds.

Outside the door of my classroom not. I suppose I should stop typing haha :)

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Hello :)

Hi everybody!

As I said last night.. sorry for not posting in a few days, I guess my plans for the blog challenge didn't quite work out hehe, I can still start it anytime though (maybe tonight? :)).

I've been having a pretty rough time lately still. Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks on a mobile with two friends, them doing homework. I'm done with my homework so I decided to write a post as I don't have much else to do! (And I'm feeling a bit antisocial at the moment? Still nice to be out with people sitting in a coffee shop, but just not quite feeling like talking, I'm not sure.).

Everything has still just been really weird lately.. Emotions all over the place. But mostly just really down. I've slept quite a lot the past few days. To be honest I really don't know what's going on with me right now. I've also been really quite stressed, high anxiety, for no reason- tons of reflux and the like, stress related stomach problems.

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow and my therapist on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll get some stuff sorted out.. We're talking about increasing my antidepressant meds, and I went off the meds that made me so insanely crazy thankfully.

My mum is actually quite worried about me as well.. How I've been acting and feeling and such. I've been quite a bit more open with telling her how I'm doing though lately. Sharing how Im feeling with her, especially when I'm very down or stressed.

Eats have been kinda difficult lately, with my stomach issues especially and all my stress/being down. I'm trying my best to get everything in despite that though, really nervous for the doctor tomorrow, just hoping so much I haven't dropped any weight because I did at my last appointment like two weeks ago and I'm going to have more frequent appointments again if I drop more. And then maybe people won't trust me even though I'm trying my absolute hardest to get better.. Usch. And more doctors appointments means more money spent.. :/

So I'll just have to do my best to keep on with eating, not letting my emotions affect it.

Hope your all doing well, don't give up :)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sorry for not posting the past couple days, things have been kinda rough :/ but tomorrow ill try to write a couple posts!

Me right now>>

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blog Challenge

Izzy posted a 20 Day blog list on her lovely blog http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/, I think I'll do the same challenge as well, just for a little fun distraction every day, something interesting to write about :)

Day 1 - Three things you do not know about me.
Day 2 - Blog favorites.
Day 3 - A song with many memories.
Day 4 - This is how i fix myself for a regular school day.
Day 5 - A picture of a time you miss.
Day 6 - A recent picture of you.
Day 7 - this is I want.
Day 8 - This is how I am as a person.
Day 9 - My favorite band / favorite artists
Day 10 - Something I will never forget.
Day 11 - A picture of me and a friend.
Day 12 - A picture that makes me happy.
Day 13 - My interests.
Day 14 - My bad habits.
Day 15 - A picture of me and someone I love.
Day 16 - The language I speak fluently
Day 17 - A picture of my handwriting.
Day 18 - Best pastime.
Day 19 - Best music video.
Day 20 - Ten things I want to do before I die.

19 Things to Stop Doing in Your 20s

I saw this post on tumblr and thought it was great.. I'm not in my 20's yet, but it doesn't really matter, I think many of them still apply no matter what age you are, actually most for that matter.

---


1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibility for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.
2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.
3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.
4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.
5. Stop allowing yourself to be so comfortable all the time. Coming up with a list of reasons to procrastinate risky, innovative decisions offers more short-term gratification than not procrastinating. But when you stop procrastinating to make a drastic change, your list of reasons to procrastinate becomes a list of ideas about how to better navigate the risk you’re taking.
6. Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. Constantly checking your life against a prewritten narrative or story of how things “should” be is a bought-into way of life. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.
7. Stop expecting people to be better than they were in high school — learn how to deal with it instead. Just because you’re out of high school doesn’t mean you’re out of high school. There will always be people in your life who want what you have, are threatened by who you are, and will ridicule you for doing something that threatens how they see their position in the world.
8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.
9. Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.
10. Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.
11. Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.
12. Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.
13. Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. It’s unlikely that one of the things you’ll regret when you’re older is not having consumed enough beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $5 lattes, or not having gone out to brunch enough times, or not having spent enough time on the internet. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve figured out drinking and going out. You’ve experimented enough. You’ve gotten your fill of internet memes. Figure something else out.
14. Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.
15. Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.
16. Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.
17. Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when youdon’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.
18. Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important. 
19. Stop being afraid.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The memories of him

This is really hard for me to write about, because it causes me to think about it, which I really don't like to do. So I don't know how this will go when I start writing this post.. but I feel like I should write about it on my blog, I should get it out. Because I need to get through it, I need to think about it and be okay with what happened. To not have panic attacks when I see him in the halls, or when his name comes up on Facebook.

The memories of what happened are always in my mind, lurking in the dark threatening to come out. Me trying to keep them there, in the dark, where they belong. But they can't stay there forever. They have to get out somehow, or they'll slowly pull me down further and further. Then they'll keep coming out at random times, whenever I see his face, or whenever I go on a date if I ever will, or whenever I hang out with a guy in general. Whenever something stressful happens, whenever something reminds me of him, whenever my mind has time to wander and happens to go there. At completely random times even, just popping out when least expected, when they can't remain in the dark.

And it doesn't help when in one of my classes, the computer generated seating chart put us right next to each other. An hour and a half sitting next to him, hearing his voice, seeing his face in my peripheral vision, trying to hold back my panic, three times a week.

I keep thinking I've gotten a handle on it. That I've talked it through in therapy enough, and I can see him without panicking. Without all the flashbacks and anxiety and fear. But then things keep getting bad again. I think I can handle it, but I can't. I go downhill once again. I get panic attacks in classes again. I go hide in the bathroom, shaking, getting through the anxiety, and come out again pretending everything's fine. Or trying to. Or sometimes not even trying to.

But the memories are always still there, waiting in the back of my mind to come out at the worst possible times. Images going through my mind, fear shuddering through my body, his voice repeating in my ears. "You want me to touch you." Stop touching me. I don't want you to touch me. No. But he doesn't listen. He thinks I'm joking. He keeps going. So I stop protesting. I can't fight anything anymore. I'm too weak already to resist him on top of it all.

He gets a girlfriend. And he keeps doing it. She finds out. An entire group of people turns against me. All my closest friends hate me. Think I'm dirty. That i'm the "other girl." As one of my friends put it, his "mistress." All of these disgusting words. Words I started to actually believe.

He was my best friend, I trusted him with the most secret things I had in my mind. And he did this. Repeatedly. Many many times over 4 months or so. People just cannot be trusted.

I put it to the back of my mind. Put it in the dark, boxed it up, and covered it in more darkness, to the point where it wasn't there any longer. It didn't happen. I had no memory of it. Until after many months of therapy, one day maybe four or five months after it all happened and a couple months after I had started daily therapy, it all came back to me one day. All the feelings. Some memories, some images, slowly started seeping back into my mind over the next few weeks and months, until now finally I have full memories of most of what happened, although I'm not entirely sure since I would rather not think about them. Tormenting me. Reminding me of the things I had suppressed, things that were better left forgotten.

School starts once again, and we sit together in a class. Exactly what I need. I thought it would get easier. That it was the world saying, "you must learn to cope." I didn't ask to change seats. But things don't get better. They're only getting worse if anything.

The days when I don't see him are a relief. The days when I'm not blatantly reminded of him and what happened.

But the memories remain nonetheless, they are too painful to remember but yet they keep coming back. They will always be in my life. Forever.

Doing better

Hi everybody.. Sorry for the really odd post last night. I'm doing a lot better today, but still totally freaked out from what happened. I didn't go to Japanese class, instead talked to my counsellor at school and sat in the office for that period. I told my mum this morning about everything that happened last night, she got quite afraid and worried like me.. Making me promise to see both my counsellor and the school psychologist, and I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. I'm still feeling pretty strange, like I'm not myself, I don't know. I'm just afraid of something happening again like last night.

It helped talking to the counsellors.. They assured me I'm not crazy. Which is good. Now it's just to get through the day without incident I suppose.

Out of control

Hi everybody. Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days.. I just really haven't been up to it, you know how sometimes life just gets in the way? That's how it's been. Things have just been a bit too insane for me to have the words to put everything going on in my mind into a blog post. So I just haven't stressed myself over trying at all.

But for now.. if you don't have an instagram (mine is watercolorelephant if you have one) I've posted a lot on there the past couple days, you can view things on this website I just found: http://web.stagram.com/n/watercolorelephant/ so if you want to see what I've been up to, here it is :) The top three pictures sum up today, I went to a dog show with one of my friends, then to study at starbucks with some other friends and then to dinner at sushi boat.

So besides my day-to-day things.. well mentally things are insane right now. I am completely unstable. I've been on these meds that have basically made me go crazy this past month. (As I think I wrote about before, with the mood swings and such?). Well I met with my psychiatrist, and I'm thankfully off that now, they also gave me something to basically make me pass out if I'm having a panic attack (which I've been having them almost every day the past week or so......). Which is good to have. Because I have gotten quite extreme with these mood change episodes and panic attacks.. it's quite worrisome. And almost dangerous at times. Like tonight. Tonight was horrid.. I was having a perfectly nice time out with friends, got lots of good studying and then had a really good dinner at sushi boat. Just before leaving my house earlier in the day to meet my friends for studying, I felt a little unstable, but it soon passed, or so I had though. But all of a sudden before we got in the car, everything exploded. I went completely insane. It's all kind of a blur, I don't quite remember what happened from when I got in the car to when we parked back in town at starbucks (we drove to a neighboring town for dinner). But I had basically flipped out apparently.. and really scared my friends. Like I suppose I was super energetic one second, then on the verge of tears, and like yelling and jumping around with tons of energy and then all of a sudden for the rest of the car ride completely fell asleep.. And I was seeming super impulsive I guess, or something? And when we got to starbucks, they told me they didn't know what was happening with me, I was scared too. And they wanted to take me home but I didn't want to go home, so I got out of the car to go into starbucks but they wouldn't come, they stayed in the car. So I threatened to leave and just walk out into town by myself in the dark at 9:30PM. Which I was totally going to do actually. But I went to look in starbucks to sit there myself, but there were no tables, so I paced around the shopping centre a few times and by then walking around and breathing fresh air I had gotten back to a normal state of mind, and then I was pretty much shaking about what had just happened.. I walked back to the car, and I knew they were talking about me in there.. and I was trying to get in, but for some reason the doors were locked and they couldn't get them open and I was starting to freak out, wanting to get in the car, thinking they're talking behind my back, saying I'm insane. Not wanting to let me in or something.. and they were saying they were going to call my parents, my best friend Z has my home number programmed into his phone (for good reason I guess? He's such a good friend.) But they finally were able to get the doors open, I got into the car and explained to them about my meds and such and assured them i'm used to it, they shouldn't be worried (of course, I haven't really had anything that severe before???). But they were still worried and we were all quite shaken up, I apologiezed for my craziness a billion times and they said no, don't apologize, we just want you to be okay. So they took me home, I had a long hot shower, and now I'm okay but still pretty shaken up. Regardless, I don't think I'm getting my studying done tonight, I think I won't be going to the class I have a test in today. I'll stay in the office during that class. Especially since I sit next to a person that triggers panic attacks almost every time I see him (aka in class every other day...) because of some bad experiences that happened last year which I still haven't written about on my blog yet.. So I think with my current mental state, I won't push it, I'm going to go to bed without being stressed over school and just get my rest.

Well that was definitely not intended, that huge long paragraph.. I really don't want to read through that again, so I'm sorry if none of it makes any sense at all? And I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy or something now, because it probably sounds like that.. and to be honest times like tonight I get quite afraid of what my mind is doing, what's wrong with me?

I feel like I'm doing so well with recovery and such, I don't want to let you guys down by writing such a downer post like this.. like I should be trying to be an inspiration or something? But I suppose it's my blog, my way of letting my thoughts out. And if I'm having a hard time.. well it helps to write it all out here. So I'm sorry if I disappoint anybody. I'm doing so well so much of the time. But things are tough lately. I don't know what's happening anymore.


Yes, yes? I liked it being happy? Can I go back there please?

Monday, October 22, 2012

No french class today..

Been looking forward all day to french class.. and then mood dampener, when I find out.. I can't go today :( 

My best friend Z has kind of been shutting me out lately.. or i'm not really sure, maybe it's all in my head? But he's just been kinda, cold towards me. Or not necessarily cold. But we just haven't hung out really in almost a week. I understand where he's coming from though, he's SUUUUPER stressed at the moment with schoolwork and university applications and such like that.. but still, he is shutting me out a bit more than I would like.. a bit more than necessary? I just wish he wasn't.

So today he told me that I can't come to french class.. because he doesn't want to be "distracted" since it's going to be a stressful period or something.? He doesn't usually talk to me much during class.. I definitely don't distract him, I just sit there learning french and doing my work? But okay.

So therefore, I'm here in the library for another hour or so.. I suppose I'll do some other studying now. Maybe do some french work here in the library. I'm so sad I'm not at class right now, I LOVE that class :( 

Oh and by the way.. that probably all sounds really weird, me not going to a class because a friend told me not to? But it's not a class I'm actually required to go to. I'm not enrolled in it. I just go to the class and sit in on it. The teacher likes me a ton, she enjoys having me in the class.. I don't do the work though, and don't get a grade or anything.. Like I'm auditing the class, I think that might be the word? It's Advanced French level 5, and I've never taken french before, lol! But I learn SO much in that class, I've learned quite a bit of french so far, if I keep going consistently I think I'll be able to speak a good amount by the end of the year.. the whole immersion idea? :) Plus my mum is fluent in french, so she helps me along with it at home!

Anyways. That's what I'm up to right now :)

I suppose I should study my Japanese now.. I have a large test coming up. And then when I'm done with some of that I'll use one of the french books here at the library to do some studying out of, since I'm not at class.. then I'll go meet my friends after their class, hopefully Z won't be 'too busy' to hang out with me.!  or at least to give me a ride home.. :/

Friday, October 19, 2012

My insane life at the moment

Hello!

Currently sitting in the library, I have ca. 30 minutes left to write a post before I go to meet my friends, for the first half hour of the current class I spent talking to D (my counsellor at school), then I worked on maths and studying for the next half hour, and now I'm allowing myself blogg-time!!

So, what has been going on with me lately? 

Well I barely even know the answer to that question to be honest with you.

 I started a new medication to start having my period about 3 weeks ago, and well, it has had quite negatively affected me. Since I started it, I began to have these mood swings quite often. And the past few days (starting around Sunday or Monday), they got extremely intense. Like, as in, dangerously intense.

The first night I had a crazy mood swing, well the worst one yet was two nights ago, on wednesday night. I had been doing completely fine that day, was in a good mood and all. And then all of a sudden that night (I was alone in the house) I was just completely filled with depression and panic and suicidal thoughts. I started pacing and pacing and pacing around my room, alternated with lying in bed, breathing quickly, heart racing. My mind just so jumbled I couldn't even think straight. Crying intensely, then anxiety taking over and pacing again. Lying in bed listening to myself breathe and wondering how much of my depression meds it would take to overdose, how much would kill me. (which as I looked up, the meds I'm on do not actually kill you if you overdose, or very rarely do at least. Rather they have quite bad effects that I would not like to experience if you overdose, and potentially permenantly damaging.. no thank you?).

As you can see.. well, VERY intense and VERY not fun to deal with.

And after an hour or so passed like this, I was totally fine once again. (or I wouldn't say totally fine, definitely shaken up and scared that I would go back again, but the suicidal thoughts/depressiveness/anxiety were mostly gone).

Yesterday after we got back from the city, around 2:45 or 3.. well, the same happened again. I started to panic, get anxiety, go depressive and suicidal.. I ended up walking around the school/surrounding town for about an hour. Just trying to get all the anxiety and bad thoughts out of me.. Trying to deal with living. Get through the mood swing. Not wanting to go home, where I would be entirely alone and worse things could happen (overdosing, self harming, acting on my suicidal thoughts.. which, i'm not actually suicidal, I don't want to die!!!! It's just the fricking mood swings, the thoughts come in, and I want them to GO AWAY!). So I decided to protect myself by staying away from the potential for bad things to happen, and being around people, until it passed. But finally after an hour of walking, I was exhausted (restriction the past couple days.. which I am happy to say, I kicked in the ass today :)) and not feeling any better than before, even more anxiety and thoughts tumbling around my head if anything. I was walking past all the offices in school a billion times, seeing if anybody was left that I knew.. but mo matter how many times I walked through, the normal people I talk to still weren't there, they had probably left for the day (it was 4 at this point).

Finally, I decided to go into the office labelled "School Psychologist." And a nice looking man was in there, I just went in and said, "Hi, you're a psychologist right? I'm Anja, could I talk to you for a little bit?". Kinda weird.. but it was really good that I went in, of course he welcomed me into his office, I told him my story and what's been happening lately, and we had a really good talk for about a half hour. And it helped SO much, just to be able to get everything spinning in my mind out of my mouth. By the end of it, I was feeling entirely back to normal mood, just a bit shaken up still. But I was able to go home then with no problems, and enjoy the rest of my night, relaxing and going my schoolwork.

I'm really proud of myself with how I dealt with that yesterday.. I did what I needed to do to handle the situation and take care of myself, to prevent anything bad from happening. And I also had a really good talk with my mum last night about what had been happening the past couple days, I was 100% honest with her in letting her know what was going on, that was so good to do. It helped a lot also having her know, another person there to support me when I need it, increasing my network of people to help me get through the extreme depressive episodes.

I haven't had a major one today so far (phew!). I had a smaller one at the end of study period/beginning of maths which only lasted ca. 20 minutes, it was manageable at least. I was on the verge of being panic-attack during maths, but I was able to calm myself down and just focus on the class, on how much maths makes sense and works, what I love about it- when everything else is confusing, at least maths works out right! So I got through that one without any big problems. Thought about asking the teacher if I could leave class for a couple minutes to sit on my own outside to deal with a panic attack because I've been having anxiety lately.. but I decided not to, that I would be able to get through it sitting in my seat and I could always leave if it got worse to the point where I really needed to go. Which it didn't get that bad, so it was okay.


Well, there's what's been going on in my life at the moment, if anybody actually read all of that? If you did, well, virtual high five ;)

Today I have a private yoga session with my teacher coming up in an hour and 15 minutes.. WOOHOO! So excited :) And I will be wearing my new Lululemon yoga pants and using my Lululemon yoga mat--- the loves of my life, i'll post pictures of them later :):):)

And I'll see if I can get out for dinner with friends tonight or something..! And other than that, just prepping whatever more I can for the PSAT tomorrow and just relaxing. Taking care of myself. Starting a new art project which I had the idea for this morning (inspired my my mood swings..) which I will post when I'm done painting, of course :)

Hope you're all doing well!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Instagram

Well, it seems now that everybody is exchanging Instagrams all of a sudden.. so here you go!

My instagram name is @watercolorelephant

Feel free to follow me!! :) And I will pretty much definitely follow you back :)

Craziness

Hi all!

I had a great time in the city today, I'll post a bunch of pictures as soon as I get them uploaded to my computer. But for now it's a fast post and then off to bed for me, i'm super tired after a long day!

I feel like I still have so much to catch up about on my blog.. so much to write about. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow after lunch, when I have my hour and a half in the library.. it's a Friday, so I think it'll be fine if I focus on the blogg instead of maths for once ;) although I do have the psat on Saturday morning.. I suppose I'll just split my time between the two, I need my relax-time of course and I've studied pretty well (okay that's actually a HUGE overstatement.. I spent about an hour or an hour and a half a couple days ago studying through the workbook.. haven't actually taken a practice test yet even though I keep saying I will :S tomorrow will be the day for that!!! the day before the test? yup, that's how I do it apparently...).

Anyways. Today ended up being pretty crazy. Or I suppose, not today, it's just me, I was crazy today. And yesterday. And just in general. I don't know.. I'll tell you guys about it tomorrow, right now what I really need is to get some nice solid sleep in for a maths quiz tomorrow.

And my final words to you.. keep fighting ED, don't give up!! It will try to sneak in, slip into every little possible opening in your life. And you just have to stay strong.. If you give in one time, then you can't give in the next day as well. You can't just say, "well it's just for today, I'll stop after today. I'll just eat tomorrow." Because trust me, that doesn't work. You'll find that every day, you'll be saying the same thing.. well it's okay, I'll just get back on track tomorrow. And it just gets worse from there. Harder to get back on track. In my opinion, with ED habits, it only takes twice for a bad habit to form in recovery. Or that's how it is for me at least. If I restrict one day, and then the next day I give in and restrict again.. well after that, it's a pattern I can't get myself out of. So if you slip up one day (which, everybody has those days, it's not realistic to be 100% on recovery all the time..), well, just make sure that the next day, you get back on track. 

Sorry, that actually came out sounding more like a lecture.....?? sorry about that! I guess that was really just more of me lecturing myself :) because if you can tell by this point, well, I have slipped up quite a bit the past few days. And i'm on a bad downward path now. But I'm catching myself. I'm not going all the way back to where I was. I don't want to. That's not a life. I don't want that life. So I need to pick myself up, wake up tomorrow, and say. "Fuck anorexia. You're not running my life anymore." Excuse the swearing, but I felt it was necessary in this context ;)

Well there you go, my much longer-than-expected post when I really should be sleeping :) More tomorrow! x
Taking a trip to the city today with my class.. I guess I can say, since it's a little ways away from where I live (just don't want to get too specific about where I live? lol). We're all getting into charter buses to take an hours or more bus ride up to San Francisco :)

It should be really fun! Kind of worried with my excessive mood swings lately.. still haven't written about last night?? Gosh I don't even want to think about all that happened last night.. but I'll post about it later when I have time. Just gonna try not to let all that emotional craziness get to me, and have fun in the city today!

Hope you're all doing well, time for me to go have some breakfast so I can get out to the buses in time :)


Music I've been enjoying lately!


Laleh- Vårens Första Dag


Marc Robillard- Time With You


Alyssa Bonagura- I Make My Own Sunshine

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Missing my "family"

I'm sitting in my room just kind of sitting around on the computer and such.. and for the past couple hours, I've been able to hear the entire marching band rehearsal at my school (I live pretty near my school). And I'm feeling so sad, hearing it and not being there.. lately I've been quite sad about not being in band anymore, I've missed it a TON. All my friends are in band. I'm always around them and band stuff and such.. there are still people that start talking to me about something that happened in rehearsal the other day or something, and then they're like, 'oh yeah you're not in band anymore, I forgot!'. I sit with them at the football games but for the first half when they're in uniform I get kicked out of the section by my band director (*their* band director), however i'm usually able to sneak in second half when they're all in their jeans and band jacket (which I am wearing as well.) And I have to say, that my band director is really sad to have to kick me out and such, he was extremely sad about me quitting band and always wants me back, he cares about me a lot and has been really supportive about my recovery and such.

But even though I'm still really close with the band and such.. it still feels like i'm on the outside. I'm not actually in it. I don't have to go through the grueling three hour or all day rehearsals. I'm not there for the hours of bus rides. A joke will be made, and I don't get it, because I wasn't there for it.

And times like tonight.. I hear them practicing. And I am just longing to be there with them, on the freezing cold football field under the bright stadium lights, working our butts off to perfect the show, as one unified group. Surrounded by all my friends, bonding in the torturous hours of practice as exhaustion sets in.

I didn't even expect to miss it at all. I was ready to drop it all, all the drama in band, all the long horrible rehearsals in either unbearable heat or unbearable cold, the extreme lack of time to do anything else with your life, barely fitting in homework. But I do miss it now. I miss it so much.

I miss my family.






^^LOL.. my awkward, dysfunctional family. 

Lookin' snazzy with that math team shirt

Me on the far left


Yup.. I'm missing this.