Saturday, March 31, 2012

Back from the symphony

I got back a little less than an hour ago from seeing the symphony, it was amazing! My flute teacher is first flute and her husband (who my mum has become good friends with) was conducting, he's actually a really important world-renowed conductor! It's funny that my mum sits and talks with him in his living room every weekend, haha :)

That's pretty much it then I guess! Tomorrow I'm planning on taking it easy, maybe I'll ask mum to take me out shopping or something, I've been wanting to do a little shopping. Other than that I'll be studying and taking some photos probably. Two days ago my Japanese teacher told us that on Friday we're going to be taking the Japanese national test.. thanks for giving us an advanced warning -.- So I'll probably be studying a lot for that tomorrow because it's going to be really difficult.. mlah. And I also have a chemistry test on monday, lots of prepping to do for that especially since i've missed a few classes. At least i've finished our psychology project, no more work to do on that!

So that's it for today, i'm going to get in bed and maybe listen to music for a little while or read.. i'm starting The Girl Who Played With Fire. I'm not sure if I'll continue with it, i'm deciding whether or not to use it for an english report. I did The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo for a report earlier this year and I actually didn't really like the book, it was pretty scary (or maybe that's because I was reading the really intense parts at 3AM?? hihi). So I'll see how that book goes.

And finally.. I've been debating wether or not to post pictures of myself on my blog. I'm thinking I probably will end up doing it. But I'm still not quite sure? I'll think about it some more before I decide.

Good night/good morning! :)

Quick update

Today I woke up at 10, but then I just stayed in bed until 11 because I didn't really have anything else to do and I didn't have energy really. Didn't want to face that I was alive still. 

So then I had a really long shower once I got up, and then mum and I went to the library and a bagel shop to get breakfast/lunch (plain bagel toasted with cream cheese), then I met 4 others at a friend's house to work on a video project for psychology class at 12:30. It was pretty fun, we worked until about 3 and then I went home and edited all the video clips together (since I had nothing else to do really haha). 

Mum made dinner around 6 (chicken pan-fried with lemon and onions, brown rice, string beans). Now I'm getting dressed up to go to the symphony, we actually have to leave like right now haha.. so just a really fast update!! :) I'll post again once I get home from the symphony! 

Yesterday!

I can't really remember yesterday too well actually. I had a lot to write that day but I was just too tired.. but now i've forgotten everything i was going to say haha.

Well, I was actually able to wake up pretty easily yesterday compared to usual. I had to dress up in nice clothes because we were doing a trial during english class for Julius Caesar (I was defending Antony, who was accused of treason, starting a riot, and the murder of Cinna the Poet, if you've ever studied the play?). Our team didn't do very well, but we did end up winning two of the three accusations, which was good. Then I could change out of my uncomfortable nice clothes (lol!) into normal ones during study period, and then at the end of study period I went to the office to see about talking to my counsellor that day during my next class. They said they would send me a pass during class when they could see me, but I didn't end up getting one until the end of the period? I was getting really worried by then that I wasn't going to get one. And the pass they sent me said to go to see one of the vice principals of the school during lunch- then I was totally freaking out! I had no idea why I was going to see the principal, I was afraid I would be in trouble or something and I didn't know what I would be in trouble for. When I went to the office with the pass though, the secretary (who is really nice) said that she had accidentally written the wrong name. Big sigh of relief! My counsellor was too busy with a few other students to see me that day though, she came out of her office to say hi and said that I could maybe come in at the end of the day. I was pretty busy at the end of the day though, so I said I would come in next week and we set up a possible appointment for monday (although, the class I would be missing I pretty much haven't been too or have been in and out of for the past week? oh well, we do nothing in that class anyways!).

For the rest of lunch I went to the library to study for a big maths test I had after lunch. While studying I was texting my best friend (the one that knows about my anorexia and helped me go to the counsellor etc.). He said that my friends, who I haven't really been hanging out with for a long time now, were talking about me and they were worried about me. They knew I left school on thursday and that I had been in and out of a lot of classes, and they saw me get the pass during the previous class that day. I didn't really know why they should be worried about me though, but I guess they hadn't really seen me in a long time. It was a really good decision to stop hanging out with that group though, because with them i was always pretty much invisible. They never noticed me or talked to me, at school I would just be completely silent the whole day. I did end up going and talking to them though for the last three minutes of lunch, just so they could see me and be a little less worried I guess. It was kind of awkward though because when i walked up, I could completely tell that they had just been talking about me.

My maths test went really well, except right before the test started I was cram studying with a friend and this other guy, and the guy ended up confusing me on one thing. So looking back on the test I know I messed that up, but I will only lose 3-4 points on the test and I'll have 4 extra credit points, so if I didn't make any other mistakes (which I'm 99% sure I didn't) I'll get 100% on the test anyways :) darn that I won't get any extra credit though!


After school two of my friends and I walked through town to go to the crepe place. I got a salmon and spinach crepe, he got a sandwich (i forget what type) with some fries that my other friend that didn't get anything ate most of. She also had a bit of my crepe. Mine was pretty good but it got a little bland after the first quarter. I was able to eat half of it but then I got too full to finish, so they had the rest.

Pictures! -->
^^My crepe (with one bite out of it! :)^^

^^Friend's fries + sandwich^^

Then we wandered over to a frozen yogurt place, safeway, and starbuck's, but we didnt' end up getting anything anywhere. I got home around 4:30, and then just sat around the house waiting until I had to leave for orchestra rehearsal. 

My orchestra rehearsal (6:30 to 9:30) was actually really fun last night! My friend who is in college now was on spring break so she came to rehearsal (I know her from orchestra, we sat next to each other and we were also roommates during Europe tour so we are pretty close). This was only the second time I've seen her since summer since she's in college now so that was so much fun! We laughed over so many memories from tour and talked about how things have been going for each of us, what her college is like, how my school's going, etc. And we also did crazy things that we used to do hoping our conductor wouldn't notice haha! (like competition to see who could flutter-kick in their seat for longest without getting too tired or having the conductor notice).  That was really great seeing her. 

Once I got home, my mum cooked some gnocchi with cheese sauce for dinner and we sat eating and watching 500 Days of Summer (one of my all-time favourite movies, so good!!!). Then i was exhausted and went to sleep around 12:30 after the movie finished up. 

So that was yesterday, I guess I'll talk about today in another post! :)

Exhausted

This week has been so exhausting. It's been exactly a week now since my parents first found out about my eating disorder.. though it feels like longer? And I have honestly been so up and down (well, I guess I should say- down and even further down) since then, I'm not really sure of anything at the moment. So I'm going to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning, just keep going through my life trying to get by.

So right now I'm completely exhausted and going to bed (after watching one of my favorite movies!). Well technically, im in my bed right now writing from my itouch... Heheh. So I'll write about my day tomorrow morning when I get up :) goodnight! Or good morning depending on where you live! :)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Movie night!

Watching a movie with mum now- 500 days of summer. Such a cute movie, watch it if you haven't!

I'll try to do a recap of my day later, depends how tired I am after the movie (were starting it now around 10:15 so it'll probably go pretty late, about 11:44 hahah).

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Why do I have to stay?

I keep wondering- why do I even have to stay alive? What's the point if I'm completely miserable all the time? It's not like I'm doing anything important by being alive. If anything I'm just a burden. So why can't I go disappear?

The rest of my day wasn't really any better than the first part. I got home and relaxed for a while, watched the movie Mr. Popper's Penguins with my dad. Kinda funny, but I wasn't really in a good mood anyway so it was just pretty much something to do to take my mind off stuff. After that I watched some series and managed to get a bit of food into me, and then I took a pretty long nap because I didn't have energy for anything else and couldn't stand being alive anymore. I think I was asleep for an hour and a half or two hours. Mum finally got home and then she and I went to Whole Foods to get dinner, here's a picture of my box (sorry for bad quality, it's from my mobile- most photos I post on my blog are):



It was originally mostly salad and fruit and tofu with a bit of rice+quinoa, mum made me take some macaroni also. She was making me get more macaroni than the small scoop I had, but instead I added more grains (the one on the top left- I forget what it was called though?) It was pretty good. I really like whole foods, their food is really natural and healthy and tastes great.

And now I've just been sitting at home miserable and trying to bring myself to do some work. I'm really stressed about tomorrow, I have a debate in english and a big maths test (it's going to be really hard and I didn't have enough energy to study as much as I should have). And I also have to turn in some make up work from classes I missed today... usch.

Hoping things go well tomorrow and I don't have another freakout or something. :/ I'm pretty sure I will be talking to my counsellor though. I don't know if it will really help at all, but I guess it's worth a try. I mean, I used to be really motivated in my academics, it was kind of like the only thing I had left, and I would drown myself in work to avoid having to think about everything else. But now I don't even have the energy or motivation for that anymore, and I'm really worried? All of a sudden it's like all that's not really important, I've even been not doing some assignments or turning things in late?? That's completely unlike me, I never do anything like that.. what's wrong with me?

Why did all these problems have to start in the first place anyways? Why did all these bad things happen to me? What did I do wrong?

x

Eating is normal.

So why isn't it normal for me?

Too exhausted for school

I woke up this morning and really did not want to go to school. I just didn't have the energy to do it at all. I ended up going anyways though because I had a group project to work on that I didn't want to ditch my friends on. I was a few minutes late to my Japanese class though, and then my teacher refused to give me credit for a big assignment??? Uschh. I was already in a really fragile mood and that tipped me over the edge. I freaked out and was pretty much crying, I went out to these stairs behind one of the school buildings that's a really nice place to sit if you want to be alone. My best friend met me out there and we talked some stuff over, then we went to the councillor office so I could talk to them and go home early.

I talked to my councillor who calmed me down a lot, and we decided I would go to my next class (that had already started) to set up a time to meet this weekend to work on the project, and then I would leave at 10:45 and come back to the office. So I got to class about 15 minutes late an then stayed for half an hour. Now I'm. sitting in the office waiting for my dad to come pick me up from school in about 20 minutes. I'm not sure if I'll get a chance to talk to my counsellor again before I leave because she's busy with someone else right now, but that's okay, I can always come talk to her tomorrow if I need.

So I've had a pretty interesting day so far.. Now at least I get to go home and relax for the rest of the school day, before a busy night of prepping for a debate in english/ studying for a big maths test. More updates later then :)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I wish

I wish I could go to the kitchen and get something to eat, just because I'm hungry. 
I wish I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and not even think about it. 
I wish I didn't get huge anxiety attacks whenever I eat. 
I wish I could look in a mirror and see something I like. 
I wish I could go through a whole day without having any suicidal thoughts. 
I wish I knew what it's like to think normally, what life is like to a normal person.
I wish I was able to smile. 


And that's just the beginning of the list. 

My Day

Well, from my last post I guess you can tell, I had kind of a bad day. Nothing really happened during school. I didn't eat all day at school. I was really in a bad mood. I didn't end up going to the counsellor, I had too much maths work to finish up to have time. I'm planning on going to talk to her on Friday though, I finished my maths ahead so i'll have time to go on that day. Maybe it would help a bit talking to her. I don't know, but I suppose it's worth a try.

Schoolwork!
haha, interesting right?
View from my seat at the library.
It's an amazing library, I'll post some pics of it sometime.
After school I went to the town library with my friend to study and finish up schoolwork. We ended up being there from 2:15-4:00. Then I met another friend and we went to go eat, but the place we were going to go closed and there wasn't really anywhere else good that was still open. So we went and walked around safeway a bit (it sounds really weird, but it is actually completely normal for us.. my friends and I hang out at safeway. not even getting anything, just like walking around LOL.) And we actually saw a lot of people we knew there. We ran into another friend of ours who is hosting two of the Japanese exchange students visiting our school this week, and I chatted with them for a bit in a cool mixture of japanese and english, haha! They were getting sweets to bring back to their friends in Japan.

Then I went home, and made myself eat a yogurt since it was then 5:15 and I hadn't eaten. I was pretty much just feeling really down and low-energy, I can't quite remember what I did though. Mum came home later and made chicken with rice and string beans, it was good but really difficult for me to get through the whole plate. I haven't had anything the rest of the night.

My yogurt- yummy and healthy!

It was just like how it used to be, with me not eating the whole day and not even wanting to eat at all. As you go through the day, it's like the further you go without food the less you want it, the more you are satisfied with your empty hungry feelings. I don't know if this will last, if I'm just having a bad day of giving in or if it's just going to get stronger. And I don't know which way I want it.. I feel like the part of me that wanted to recover and get better is now being pushed to the back again. Probably not a good thing? But at the same time, I like having the control back, I like going back to this, even though it's horrible. 

Bad thoughts are back once more.

As the title says.. I'm giving in to ana again. Going back to my old habits and routines. Letting the eating disorder side of my brain gain control. Dinner (chicken with rice and string beans) and a small yogurt were all I had today. And even those were hard to eat. I couldn't bring myself to eat breakfast or lunch or any snacks, meals I could eat without too much difficulty just a week ago.

And the scariest thing is that I know these thoughts are bad, but at the same time I don't think there's anything wrong with me. It's hard to explain. Like I know that there really is something wrong, but the stronger ana side says, 'no, you're being perfectly normal.' I was thinking as I was going home, well, it's normal not to eat anything until dinner right? It's totally normal in my mind. But I guess that's not normal to most people.

Well, things have definitely taken a turn for the worse I guess. Maybe by the time I get put in recovery (or whatever it will be), I will actually need it after all. And maybe by the time I get there, I won't even want it anymore. Because right now, all I want to do is stop eating and just fade away. 




Tuesday, March 27, 2012

When all you got to keep is strong...


When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Tired of fighting

I had one of those days when I was just kind of- tired of fighting. Completely exhausted. Wondering, why do I even have to keep going. 


My day started out pretty well. I woke up a little late, but I was able to make it to class in time (but no breakfast, as usual). My first class was Japanese, which is usually terribly boring but was pretty fun today. We enter this online song contest every year, and my class recorded the song today with me playing piano and my friend playing drumset. I ended up just sitting at the piano and playing for an hour after all our recording was done, which was a really nice start to my day :) Then for the last half hour of class, I gave a tour of my school to two Japanese students who were visiting. That was really fun, because they didn't speak any english really but I was able to talk to them in japanese (and they understood!! heheh). It's a big difference between when you're speaking a foreign language in a class, and when you're actually applying it in real situations. In class, it's more like you're just memorizing vocabulary, but then when you're actually using the language with people who are thinking in it, the words take on actual meaning- like they're representing objects and ideas, not just other words. And it kind of made me realize both, "wow I know a lot!" and also "gosh, there's so much I don't know how to say." At one point we walked past the principal of the school, and I was trying to say who he was, but I didn't know how to say 'principal'. I ended up saying things like '大きい先生' (big teacher) and '一ばん先生' (number 1 teacher) hahaha! I'm not sure if they got my point??

Anyways, back on topic :) Next class was psychology, when we did absolutely nothing as usual. I spent the period working on a chemistry lab I had to finish for last period. Then I met my friends at the art room, which is where we eat lunch. I couldn't bring myself to eat lunch today, but finally I ended up having a tiny bit of a granola bar towards the end of our lunch time. Last class was chemistry, which I was completely exhausted for. I was too tired by this point to really be bothered with working. We did this online lesson thing on laptops with partners, and my friend and I went through the lesson as fast as we could so that we could just relax for the rest of class (not having the energy to do more work). We wished we could just leave class when we finished, but I suppose school just doesn't really work like that :/ haha.

After class, I walked downtown with two of my friends, and we went to a really yummy restaurant that mainly has Crepes, but also has other sandwiches, soups, etc. And they had French Onion soup today, which is one of my favourites! I decided that I would get it, and it was okay because I didn't have any lunch. It ended up being really good, I'm glad I had it even if I got anxiety over it. My friend had a chicken pesto sandwich, and then he thought my soup looked really good and got one for himself as well! We also shared a nutella crepe among the three of us. It was really fun, I like going to eat with my friends afterschool. It's kind of relaxing, lessens my anxiety about eating and it's a fun way to wind down and get ready for a long night of studying!

^^ French Onion Soup! ^^

^^ Yummy Nutella Crepe :) and my friend's soup. ^^

^^ The crepe restaurant- one of my favourite restaurants in our town! Not so good picture though??^^

It's also nice and rainy here- we're actually having quite a big rainstorm at the moment! I love the rain :) 

When I got home, there were lots of bad thoughts coming back, and they're still here. Thoughts about restricting, about killing myself, all of that. I almost asked to talk to my counsellor at school during psychology (since we don't do anything in that class anyways) but I didn't end up doing it. Maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow. 

But I guess the most I can do is just, keep on smiling and go on? I mean, there's nothing that can really be done.. It's just how it is, bad thoughts, depression. Sometimes I wonder, how is everybody not like this? What is it even like to think "normally"? Maybe I don't actually have anything wrong with me, this is just how life is? I really don't even know. I might talk to my counsellor. I might talk to my mum and ask her if I should go in to the counsellor.. We'll see what happens. 

We also have an appointment set up for the eating disorder clinic (centre? practice? hospital? I really don't know what to call it..). It's going to be on April 19. I'm mostly just worried about it.. not so much looking forward to it as much as before. And this is such a bad thought, but I hope I can lose weight before I go there. I don't want to look fat compared to all the skinny girls that will be there. I don't want them to take one look at me and say, sorry you're in the wrong place. :/ But I can definitely say I'm really nervous to go. Any advice for me? What I should do about going there? What it was like your first time going to an eating clinic? (if anybody even reads my blog yet haha). 

The rest of my night will be spent working on maths if I have the energy, and doing a lot of piano playing. But i'm not sure if I even have energy for that right now, I'm pretty exhausted. I'm just going to take things as they come, see what gets done. Trying to distract myself from all the bad thoughts. 

And I'm also going to add some photos to the "my story" page (link at the top of my blog). I'll end up adding more later, but just to put a few up for now :)

Hope you are doing well! :) 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Eating Disorder Clinic

I was referred by my school counsellor to an eating disorder clinic in our area. My mum called their office today to see about setting up an appointment, but they're really busy and don't have time to see me until April 19 (unless somebody cancels and there's an opening). When I go there they're going to do like this general health check (I'm going to have blood drawn- i'm terrified of needles???) and I'm going to talk to the head counsellor person or something, and we'll figure out from there what to do next after they assess me I guess. Anyways, I read through their website and they look pretty good from what I can tell..?

This might sound weird, but in a way I'm kind of looking forward to going to a clinic. I've been trying to fight ana by myself for so long, both successfully and unsuccessfully. I know I'm still going to have to work hard to get better. But it seems like i'll have so much more support now, people that will help me along the way and tell me how to get better? I'm not really sure what it will be like. 

At the same time, I'm really scared to go there. This sounds like a really sick thought, but I'm afraid that I'm not "anorexic enough" to go. That they'll look at me and say, you're fat, you don't need to be here. Especially since I've gotten pretty far on my own, I'm able to eat a normal amount (or..? maybe not normal.. i'm not really sure if it's normal actually). They'll tell me, you can eat normal amounts by yourself, you don't need us. Or an even worse fear.. they'll tell me I need to gain weight?? Because I really don't need to gain any weight, I'm at a normal weight right now. Maybe a little low compared to many people, but I've always just been on the lighter side of my class I guess? But if they tell me I need to gain weight... well, I honestly have no intention of doing it. And that may be ana speaking, but I can truly say, I don't need to gain anything. 

And this is the worst thought I've been having about going there: I need to lose weight before I go there. There will be other anorexics there, I'll be huge next to them. I have an eating disorder, so I need to look like I have an eating disorder so that they'll believe me. That all my inside thoughts are actually real. I've been restricting again now that I'm going to be going to the clinic, I want to lose weight before I go there.. I know, it's such bad thoughts? But that's what's going through my mind.


My Story

I have been struggling with anorexia since the summer of 2010, so about a year and a half. It's been a very up and down journey, and is definitely the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life.

The first time I really got any ideas about dieting or losing weight was at a friend's birthday party in July 2010. It was at the beach and a lot of her skinny, fun, outgoing friends from her ballet studio were there. As dancers, they usually had to be very careful not to eat junk foods and such, so whenever they ate any chips or sweets they would make comments like "I feel so fat eating this". I felt so inferior to them in everything, and it made me think seeing them that maybe I should be like that too about food. Then I could be pretty and successful like they were. Through the rest of the summer, I started being more careful about what I ate and tried to cut back a lot, but nothing really that serious.

When the school year started, I got extremely busy. All of my courses were honors, and I was a year ahead of my class in maths, so I had hours of schoolwork and studying each night. I also had an hour of flute practice a day in addition to a really busy marching band practice schedule that took up most of my time. I was doing way too much, and as a result of all this I started restricting my food- probably one of the worst possible things I could have done, seeing as I needed a lot of energy to keep up my schedule. Restricting made me feel more in control, like I had more power over my life. I also felt a lot of pressure to be 'perfect' in all the things I was doing, and I thought if I could be skinny I would be more perfect. Of course, it didn't take long for everything to spiral out of control. I became obsessed with calories and losing weight. Food took over my mind. Around this time I also developed pretty bad depression. As I'm sure you can relate to, the more weight I lost and the more I restricted, the worse my life got. As I got skinnier, I only kept seeing myself as fatter. I had barely any energy or focus, coming close to fainting at our long difficult marching band practices. My only meal of the day was dinner, when I had to eat with my mum. I was always thinking about food I had eaten or was going to eat and ways to burn extra calories here and there. I really lost control of my life to my eating disorder.

My close friend, who was taking some time off from school to deal with the depression she had gotten that year, found out about my eating disorder and depression. She helped me out a lot. We would talk about all of our problems with each other, and she tried to make me eat again. It worked for a while, and I got on a pretty good track, mostly because she threatened to tell my mum if I didn't start eating again. She also encouraged me to go to our school counsellors, because you can talk to them without them notifying your parents or anybody else. I resisted her help though, and didn't want to go talk to them even though they had helped her out a ton. I still didn't really see that there was anything wrong with me.

Things were better for a time, but we started to slowly drift apart. As we talked less frequently, I also began slipping back into my old routines. Around March of 2011, I found out through my new best friend that she had called me a b---- behind my back, and that this had happened during the time that we were closest and I trusted her most. I was so shocked and hurt by this. I didn't think I could ever trust anybody again. I became extremely depressed and only ate a little bit at dinner, having about 200-400 calories a day. A little later I started self-harming, but it was never a huge problem for me and I've now been able to stop on my own.

Then summer came. I took a trip to Europe with my youth orchestra. It was one of the best ten days of my life. Being around my friends at all times also helped me re-learn normal eating patterns, and it helped that it was the best food I'd ever tasted in my life. Through the rest of summer, I had some ups and downs but my eating was getting back to somewhat normal, set off by the great experience in Europe right at the beginning.

School began and once again, I had a crazy schedule. Lots of schoolwork pressure, and a crazy schedule. My flute practice had increased to 2.5 hours a day by then, and I had a 3 hour rehearsal Friday night, and I drove to a city an hour away every Sunday for lessons and more rehearsals (sometimes Thursdays as well). I also had marching band, which took up Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. It was completely exhausting. I felt so much pressure on all sides, and cut back on food once again. My depression also continued getting worse and worse.

Once my schedule lightened up again, nothing got better at all like it did when a little pressure was taken off last year. The depression increased more every day. Around our winter break at the beginning of January, I had become extremely suicidal. Every day was like torture being alive. A few months before, I had confessed about my eating disorder to my best friend. He also knew about the depression already, and he had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts himself. He helped me a lot, not forcing me to eat but being there to listen and support me. He got me through my tough times, and I began to want to get better. I pushed myself, with his help, to eat better. Through the next few months, I slowly improved and finally got to a somewhat normal eating pattern once again. However, all the bad thoughts were still present. My depression was still getting worse to the point where it was unbearable. I felt completely empty, like I had died inside and was just going through the motions of life, but even that was difficult. Also, the anorexic side of my brain kept screaming at me, telling me I was fat and shouldn't be eating normally. I tried not to give in to the anorexic thoughts though.

Nothing got better, even though I was eating (kind of) normally once again. A few weeks ago, I reached the point where my life was completely unbearable. Every day was impossible to get through. It got exponentially worse, going from not knowing how I would get through the day to not knowing how to get through the next hour, the next 5 minutes, the next minute, the next 30 seconds. It made even thinking about living through the rest of my life seem like an eternity.

A couple weeks ago, I think on Thursday March 16, I came extremely close to attempting suicide. I had a rope tied around my neck and I was so close to pulling it tight and ending my miserable existence. I sat there for a while, and ended up taking it off and forcing myself to go to sleep instead so that I wouldn't do anything stupid. Then on Tuesday March 20, I got out the rope once again when I got home from school. It was around my neck and I had tightened it bit by bit until I had started to feel a little dizzy. This time I was talking to my best friend while I was sitting there. He managed to convince me to take it off, untie the knot, and put it in another room where I wouldn't be tempted by it.

Then on Thursday March 22, I found out that he was now in a relationship with one of my good friends. I felt like now she would be his priority, and I wouldn't get to be in his life as much (we spent a huge amount of our time together). The only times my life was actually bearable with him. Now that that might be gone, I completely fell apart. I was talking to him through all of this, and he was really afraid that I would do something bad, despite him telling me that it didn't change anything that he was in a relationship. I spent three hours in bed crying that night, and my mum was at first worried but then just got angry at me, and proceeded to yell at me for being in bed and not doing my work- the opposite reaction I needed from her. I told her I couldn't go to school the next day, because I really did not have any energy to face getting up in the morning. She forced me to go anyways.

During my second class at school, I got called into the school counsellor's office. Somebody had referred me to them, and I found out later that it was my best friend. I ended up letting everything out to her, even though I didn't believe any psychologist was going to be able to help me. I had lost hope in every option I had. She then told me that she was going to talk to my parents, because they needed to know about everything. I was terrified. My mum was called into the school during sixth class, and the counsellor told her about my depression and eating disorder. They then called me in after they talked to my mum. Everything had actually gone really well, and my mum was extremely supportive.

Now that my parents know, a new page in my life has started and I'm going to start getting better (or so they say). I've been referred to an eating disorder clinic, where I might start recovery or something like that. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen next, but I can say that it is a huge relief having my parents know. No more secrets, no more faking happiness. I can be completely truthful with them, because really they're just here to support me, along with everybody else in my life.

So that's where I am now, beginning my blog and my new chance at life :)

x

(I hope my writing wasn't too horrible to read?.. I'm not reading it over, it was really hard emotionally to write out in the first place. Maybe I will eventually, but for now, sorry if there are mistakes or errors. I also wanted to say, that barely even begins to cover everything that has happened the past few years, but it's just the basic past of my eating disorder up to this point. I'm not going to dwell on the past on my blog, I'm just going to focus on moving forward with my life and maybe even getting better eventually.)


I'm also going to add photos to this eventually. I'm too tired at the moment though, maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Getting help!

Hello there :)

I've been thinking of starting a blog for a long time, and I finally decided to now. My parents found out about my eating disorder three days ago. I have had anorexia for about a year and a half or a year and three quarters now. I'll start writing about my story tomorrow, since it's getting pretty late now and I want to just get my first post out :) But I'm going to be blogging about my experience now that I'm getting help for my eating disorder. It has taken so much from me, ruined so many of my experiences for the past couple years. I want to be free from anorexia's hold. So I thought that this turning point in my life would be a good time to start blogging now that I'll be going into recovery or something like that! :) 

I'll tell more about myself and my experiences with anorexia tomorrow, now I'm going to go to sleep because I have to wake up at 7.00 tomorrow to get ready for school :/ 

I'm excited to start my blog and a new part of my life! Hope you are all well :)

x

(Sorry if this first post is really bad?.. i'll hopefully get used to blogging soon!)