Thursday, May 31, 2012

Tired tired tired...

Sorry guys but i'm completely exhausted right now and still have a ton of work to finish that i'm stressing over so I really don't have time/energy for posting right now.

But basically I went to the psychiatrist today and they're putting me on antidepressants, i'm starting next weekend (after all my final exams are over haha). And i'm completely terrified of them. If I start talking about why and stuff right now I'll just start talking and talking and talking though, and that would not help my work getting done one bit now would it :)

I really like the psychiatrist though, she's super nice and I liked talking to her a lot.

Other important thing that happened today.. I talked to my best friend E, and we got things sorted out between us! That was really good. It's nice to have that sorted out. Doesn't really make anything feel better though.. like really right now I have so much on my mind that having that stuff cleared up in a way makes it even worse because then I'm just left with everything on the inside, which is horrible. I don't know, i'm bad at explaining myself right now.. as I said before. Can't start getting talking or else I won't stop.

Much more will (hopefully) be written tomorrow!

Until then.. don't forget to keep on smiling :) don't give up the fight against ED, even though it seems impossible at times (like right now..). Just keep going. We'll all make it through someday, somehow, we just have to hold on to whatever tiny bits of hope we can find, no matter how small. 



^^little piece of wisdom from a fish :)

Onsdag 31 Maj: Jag är trött på allt.

Not feeling too good right now.. :/ well at least i'm getting in some swedish practice haha, not a total waste of time writing these posts...? ;)

Going to sleep and hopefully things will be a little better tomorrow? hmm not likely.

Appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. Kinda scared/nervous for it. We'll see how it goes. I'm pretty certain that they're going to put me on some kind of antidepressant medication.

Not much going on other than that. Supposed to finish Never Let Me Go, I have 90 pages left but I don't think I'll finish it tonight, I'll tell my teacher I've been having a really rough time and appointments almost every day and he'll understand, i'll finish it tomorrow and discuss it on friday.

That's pretty much it. Went to the nutritionist today, it was fine, I was really tired though. As the title says.. I'm tired of everything. I just want it all to end. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my life.

I'm most likely going to be taking the AP Statistics class over summer :) hehe. What are your summer plans? Oh i'm just gonna take some maths classes with my friends, ya know, the usual fun summer activities :) 



I wish.. please. please?

And meanwhile.. here, take a look at my tumblr! :) I really like how the archive looks right now.. the link is to the archive. but take a look at the main page also. I like my tumblr a lot. hehe that sounds kinda self centered or something? no, I'm not really self centered or anything about my tumblr. I don't really care what people think of it.. I just care that I like it. I put things on it that I like and think are pretty. And I absolutely love my tumblr. I don't care if anybody else likes it. All that matters is that I like it :) haven't actually been posting too much lately though, haven't had much extra time for it :/ well maybe this summer I will :)

Hope things are well for you :) goodnight 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

feeling totally crappy

So guess what's in my head right now?

I can't eat. I'm fat. I'm worthess. I'm a complete failure. I want to be skinny. I don't want to do things right. I want to exercise, not just for fun but to burn calories. I'm already fat, they don't need to make me gain more weight. Absolutely everything about me is just horrible.


Fun.

Nope, I was not like this before yesterday afternoon. I had been like this before, but as I said. I learned to manage the thoughts. I learned to look past them. Not pay attention to what I was telling myself. Focus on the more important things. Not worry over how I looked, worry about my health and my academics, those are the more important things.

Where did it all go? All the positivity, optimism, pepp, motivation? I want it back. I want all this negative to go away.

It's so hard to bear.. all the bad voices in your head. I had kind of forgotten how absolutely horrible it is.

But it's just to keep eating. I can't do it... No. I can do it. I have been for the past few weeks. And I can continue to do well. 


I can. And I will. No matter how much everything in me is telling me the opposite.

Idag

Hej hej :) puttin' some of this swedish to use, lol!

hmm today was interesting as you could see from some of my other posts. School was good. Felt really good earlier actually, lots of pepp. And I was feeling quite proud of myself actually for having done so well lately, being so motivated in my recovery. Wanting to get better and actually working really hard even though it's practically impossible and totally sucks and makes me feel horrible and all that. hehe i'm making recovery sound very desirable aren't I? :)

But then a little while after I got home the drama with E came about :/ and soon after that I had group, which was really not good. I'm not going to be doing group anymore. It just makes me feel horrible. I was almost crying during group because I didn't want to be there, didn't want to hear or think about the things we were talking over. The activities were only making me feel worse about myself, bringing about more negative voices. It's kind of that, I have already learned to manage all the negative thoughts about myself. I can manage the thoughts about my body, I can get them out of my mind, I can get all the negative self-talk to go away. It's not a major problem for me right now. I have so much more for my mind to be on right now than all of that. I'm too depressed to even be thinking any of that right now, at the moment i'm just trying to get day to day. I'm past the negative talk, I mean it's still there but I've learned to look past it. Know that it's not true, not let my life be ruled by it. Just keep it out of my mind.

But in group, that's all we're talking about. Self-image, society's standards, all that stuff. It's kind of less of a support group and more educational it seems.. like teaching us about all that stuff, "exploring the truth" kind of thing. Proving that it's not true. But the thing is that I know all the stuff we're talking about. I already know all of it. I don't need to be there. And I thought after the first two sessions (of 6), well I might as well keep going, it's not like it's doing anything bad. I'm just not necessarily learning anything. But then today on our third session, we were doing all this stuff about our personal self-image, how we see ourself, all the negative self-talk type stuff. Things that I just didn't even want to think about, didn't want to let my mind go to. And then it got worse. We were doing this activity where we basically had to write down everything bad that we thought about ourselves on a piece of paper. And then we had to share our list with the group, and then everybody talked about each thing and kind of tried to "disprove" whatever it was. Basically it was total crap. It was fucking bringing back the bad voices. Saying i'm not good enough. I'm a failure. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I felt like crying. I didn't want to think about it. I had gotten to a point where I don't even have those thoughts most of the time, when I do I just dismiss them. But here it they were encouraging them to come back, making me say all this bad stuff about myself. I was on the verge of tears. I almost left. I wished I could. I didn't want to stay any longer for them to draw out some other bad thoughts I would rather just leave behind, things I've finally gotten over. But I didn't know how, I didn't know what I could do to leave. I was just sitting there practically in tears with my mind brought back to a place that I didn't want it to be.

So as soon as I got in the car to go home, I told mum that I'm not going back to group. It's doing bad things for me. And she's sent an email tonight that I'm not going back. Gosh I've had horrible therapy experiences so far.

During group I kind of stopped participating, I barely talked or responded when they asked me things and didn't really contribute to the discussions. And afterwards I tried to just clear my mind of everything that we talked about during group. Because of course along with the bad voices came, you need to restrict now. You need to stop eating so you can be perfect. No no no. Those voices can go away. I'm doing well right now. I'm winning against anorexia. I'm doing things right, I'm getting better again finally. I'm motivated, I want to get better. I want to be free. It mostly worked. I still have some of the things we were saying echoing around in my mind. It's still there. Brought back out to a more prominent place than where it was all hidden away before. But I think I can control it. I hope I can. Otherwise things are going to get bad fast.


Took some pictures today (while I was feeling good after school)!

Today's outfit:

(haha looks like i'm not wearing shorts- don't worry I am :))





Had to figure out what to wear to my honor scholar ceremony tomorrow. Trying on outfits.. but i'm actually not going with either or these, i'll post a picture of my actual outfit tomorrow :)




And then it was on with the sweatshirt and comfortable shorts!


Today's pictures of my kitty.. awh she was really sleepy so she barely noticed there was a camera in her face, usually she doesn't tolerate this :)




Tonight's dinner adventure: Savory flavoured tofu!
It is safe to say that it was quite disgusting! haha!



Put it on a salad. The tofu was really a horrible flavor.. I only ate 2/3 of the tofu, had some milk with a protein drink powder stuff mixed in, enough to complete my protein serving. Because really the taste of this tofu made me gag! :)


Hmm not much else to say about my day. I am definitely going to talk to Darin tomorrow. I'm going in before school to the office and asking to be taken out during first class (japanese) or second class (psychology) since i'm going to be at the ceremony during study period. Or maybe i'll have lunch with her if something comes up.

And finally.. i'm working on the questions, I promise :) they'll be up as soon as I can get them finished, no promises about when though, i'm pretty booked up right now! Nutritionist tomorrow, plus I have to read the entire Never Let Me Go book (supposed to have a discussion with my teacher about the book tomorrow but I can't because of the ceremony, so it will be on wednesday. but I kind of need to read the book first!).


It's kind of funny how memories can fade so easily. Fade and change when new things happen. (Talking about E here.) We had such great times together. Best friends. We were so amazing. And then what happened? Talking about this, I always just get this song stuck in my head, so I might as well put it in the post:


That's it for tonight! Hope you're doing well. God natt :)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Some thoughts

lol.

when you're talking to one of your friends and explaining some tiny aspect of something going on in your life. and they're acting like a therapist and trying to help and stuff.

little do they know. i talk more to therapists and counsellors and such more than my actual friends :)

and now.. she's talking to me about a bunch of stuff. her problems and all. and i'm just thinking.. oh my gosh. i seriously can't handle hearing about all your problems right now. i'm sorry. but i just can't. i can't handle the question on my mind of trying to figure out if you have an eating disorder. (because i kinda suspect she does). i just can't.

I need to run

I need to run 
I need to run
I need to run


I can't stand not being able to run.


And there goes my good day, positive energy, pepp, good thoughts..

Well as you just read in the title.. i had a pretty good day. until now.

stupid stuff with my best friend. apparently he has a girlfriend now.. wtf. (lots of new readers lately, you probably don't know about the whole backstory.. basically. lots of stupid drama. that i really don't want to explain.) but pretty much i'm sitting crying/barely breathing again as maybe you remember happening before.. yeah not fun stuff.

times like these, i want nothing more than to go out and run. i just fucking want to throw on my running shoes and go. my best coping mechanism. and it's been taken away from me because if i went out and ran right now i would have a fucking heart attack. heck they say if i go out and walk too much i'll have a heart attack. the thing that makes me feel best.. is now not allowed. i just want to go out and run. run from everything. run to clear my head. run to get away for a little bit and feel better afterwards. feel that nice tiredness but an energetic kind of tiredness. like your muscles have been used well. your body has been used how it's meant to. instead of sitting like a lump all freaking day. i didn't realize how dependant i was on running, how good it made me feel, until it's been taken away from me. and i definitely won't be able to again for at least half a year.. probably more like a year. i mean right now we're looking at goals like.. 3 20 minute walks per week by the end of summer! woohoo let's go. no. i want to run. i just fucking want to run. 


Sorry for all the swearing/ranting.. but that's what's on my mind right now. nothing compares to running. i need to run. 


and i feel the walls going up, shutting people out.. but i realized this was happening and stopped that feeling.. hopefully i can keep the walls away, because that's just not going to solve anything is it. and i'm also getting that throat closing up feeling when i'm really upset and just can't eat. like i can't eat when i feel upset like this. i just can't.

usch no therapy today thankfully, going to group now though :/ more later.

Polenta

Made a dish with polenta tonight- first time cooking with it! It was really good.






^^pan-cooked in olive oil and garlic



^^topped with chicken, bruschetta (did i spell that right? hmm) and mozzarella cheese with some herb stuff on top, can't remember what kind of herb haha they're all just green stuff to me :)
and mine is the one without bruschetta, i can't stand tomatoes :)



^^baked in the oven for a little while. or maybe we broiled it. hmm. again, i'm not the cook here, mum did all the cooking and i was just taking the pictures haha. I'm a terrible cook.. i even make instant noodles badly. I don't know how that's possible but I do. It takes skill ;)
I'm good at baking though!! 

Tomorrow is school :/ merr gonna be a boring day. But maybe i'll get a chance to work on answering the questions, i've worked on the post a little today but not as much as i had hoped. but tomorrow i'll get a bunch done :) and I don't have to go to the clinic tomorrow as i usually do on tuesdays, I had done well last week so the doctor cleared me for two weeks. Last time I had two weeks it went really badly. but this time I'm hoping it will go well? it has so far at least.. or actually, no, i just remembered last week eating went terribly -.- well i guess we'll just have to see what happens this week! I have group tomorrow.. no more seeing my current therapist though, yay!! Nutritionist on wednesday, and also this honor scholar award ceremony thing. And I won't be able to see Darin until thursday because of the award ceremony during study period, unless maybe i'll see her during lunch or something.. :/ she and my mum are meeting on Friday. And i think i'll talk to her on friday also. because thurs and friday are pretty much the only two days left i have to see her before summer since next week is final exams. she says that we'll still be in touch over summer though, especially the first few weeks since i'm going into summer not even having a therapist yet. okay i'm not even going to think about that right now though because it upsets me and scares me too much, i've already spent a fair amount of time crying about it this weekend. now i just need to get in bed and sleep. 

so much anxiety about summer. so so so much. 

pushing thoughts about it out of my head. now it's just to focus on the rest of school. enjoy my time in school while i can before summer. UGH i don't know if i've ever been like this about school ending, usually it's the complete opposite? but I really can't stand to think of school ending. i don't want to think about it. i'm not going to. 

okay sorry for all that rambling. going to sleep now. goodnight. 



^finding lots of pictures of mustaches today on tumblr, hmm. haha! I enjoy them :)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Link Exchange

http://agirl-blogg.blogspot.com/ - (in swedish, but there's a translate button that works okay if you don't know swedish). A girl fighting anorexia who has started treatment. She writes very honestly about how everything is going, and I'm sure that we all can relate to the feelings that she's able to put into words. It seems that things are taking a turn for the worse at the moment, so go leave her a message of support and follow her blog! :)

God morgon :)

So far today nothing has happened. Got up. Ate breakfast. Looked through a bunch of old pictures, I found a bunch of really cute ones from when I was younger that I might post :) Hmm now i'm finishing my snack and working on some swedish lessons (haven't been keeping up with them lately :/ i'll be more diligent about it during summer! haha, i won't have much else to do anyways.)

Wow, lots of questions! I'll work on answering those today :)

Also, that link that I had in my last post, i've just taken a look at the rest of the website thanks to Rose's comment, and it's actually really great! has some really nice recipes. I especially like the look of these soups:
http://www.thekitchn.com/dinner-for-the-week-10-big-pots-of-soup-kitchn-recipe-roundup-171370 
The lemony spring soup with peas and rice (second picture), spring leek and lemon soup (seventh picture) and spinach and lemon soup with orzo (eighth picture) look really yummy to me, i'll have to try them :) (hehe i like lemon if you can tell :))

Also this looks like fun:
http://www.thekitchn.com/the-easiest-way-to-make-frozen-yogurt-pops-171555
I'll have to try this in the summer when it's hot :) because a yogurt is a pretty frequent snack, but this looks like a fun way to change it up a bit! It would also be fun to add a little fruit into the yogurt or something before freezing? hmm i'm going to be having a lot of fun with this website this summer I think :) fun creative ways to make my meals better!

Well now I can say that I have been completely distracted from my swedish lessons! haha! Well at least it's for recipes?? ;)

Hope you're having a good day!

a few pics from yesterday: 



Two of my snacks.. hmmm seems like all my food is brown and white??? time to look at this recipe website for some better ideas, haha!



Hmm no clue why i'm uploading this one.. just kinda liked it i guess.. except for my foot it looks kinda weird. okay yeah i really have no clue why i'm uploading this. :)



isn't she adorable???? ^___^

today:



Morning snack that i'm just finishing up



Hehe and I guess it's back to the swedish lessons now :) 


Oh and also.. tonight mum and I are going to cook with polenta for the first time! lol okay we dont even really know what it is.. but it seems really yummy! I had it once when I was in europe and it was really good, we saw some at the store a few weeks ago and I persuaded her to get it so we can try it out! Well this should be an adventure :) i'm going to look up polenta recipes now, figure out how we can use it! anybody have any ideas? many pictures will be taken of our polenta adventure :) 









Look at this!

This is really cool:

http://www.thekitchn.com/look-food-flags-for-the-sydney-97033

Just thought i'd share it with you :)


and meanwhile I just heard a gunshot.. uhmmm scary much???? crossing my fingers that everything's okay in my neighborhood...

what the heck i just heard a second one okay i'm officially scared right now

THIRD ONE. wtf is going on.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Not much going on.

Well I don't really have much to say right now. I didn't do much today and I don't really want to think about the rest of the stuff on my mind.

Hmm what did I even do today, trying to remember haha! Got up.. Ate.. Ate some more.

Mum drove me to the library so I could get this book:


I'll let you know what I think when I finish it in a couple days :) what i've read so far has been good. 

Then mum and I drove up this mountain because we were both bored and didn't have anything better to do, haha. And we took a little walk when we had gotten as far as we could drive. Looked out over the valley. I took some pictures but i'm too tired to upload right now, maybe tomorrow. 

Hmm that's pretty much all i've done today besides eat and lie in bed thinking. 

Sorry my blog is so bad right now, hopefully i'll get back into blogging soon :( i just don't have the energy a lot of the time. 

Watched some pretty good movies the past few days: 



Didn't watch the entire Dead Poets Society, but the first half that I saw was really good, I want to see the rest!
Alice in Wonderland was a lot of fun :) I really liked it. 
Avatar is a completely amazing movie. I love it so much. Saw it in the theatre when it came out, seeing it on a TV just wasn't the same but it's still amazing. 

Have any of you watched some good movies lately? Or read any good books? 

Well I can't really think of what else to say right now, haha! I think I'll get in bed and listen to some music until I fall asleep :) no school tomorrow, yay! 

And by the way.. thanks for all the questions, hopefully i'll get around to answering them tomorrow :) Oh and I also started my "reasons to recover" page if you didn't see that :) 

Goodnight!


hihi this has been quite the random post.