Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Blog Challenge

Izzy posted a 20 Day blog list on her lovely blog http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/, I think I'll do the same challenge as well, just for a little fun distraction every day, something interesting to write about :)

Day 1 - Three things you do not know about me.
Day 2 - Blog favorites.
Day 3 - A song with many memories.
Day 4 - This is how i fix myself for a regular school day.
Day 5 - A picture of a time you miss.
Day 6 - A recent picture of you.
Day 7 - this is I want.
Day 8 - This is how I am as a person.
Day 9 - My favorite band / favorite artists
Day 10 - Something I will never forget.
Day 11 - A picture of me and a friend.
Day 12 - A picture that makes me happy.
Day 13 - My interests.
Day 14 - My bad habits.
Day 15 - A picture of me and someone I love.
Day 16 - The language I speak fluently
Day 17 - A picture of my handwriting.
Day 18 - Best pastime.
Day 19 - Best music video.
Day 20 - Ten things I want to do before I die.

19 Things to Stop Doing in Your 20s

I saw this post on tumblr and thought it was great.. I'm not in my 20's yet, but it doesn't really matter, I think many of them still apply no matter what age you are, actually most for that matter.

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1. Stop placing all the blame on other people for how they interact with you. To an extent, people treat you the way you want to be treated. A lot of social behavior is cause and effect. Take responsibility for (accept) the fact that you are the only constant variable in your equation.
2. Stop being lazy by being constantly “busy.” It’s easy to be busy. It justifies never having enough time to clean, cook for yourself, go out with friends, meet new people. Realize that every time you give in to your ‘busyness,’ it’s you who’s making the decision, not the demands of your job.
3. Stop seeking out distractions. You will always be able to find them.
4. Stop trying to get away with work that’s “good enough.” People notice when “good enough” is how you approach your job. Usually these people will be the same who have the power to promote you, offer you a health insurance plan, and give you more money. They will take your approach into consideration when thinking about you for a raise.
5. Stop allowing yourself to be so comfortable all the time. Coming up with a list of reasons to procrastinate risky, innovative decisions offers more short-term gratification than not procrastinating. But when you stop procrastinating to make a drastic change, your list of reasons to procrastinate becomes a list of ideas about how to better navigate the risk you’re taking.
6. Stop identifying yourself as a cliche and start treating yourself as an individual. Constantly checking your life against a prewritten narrative or story of how things “should” be is a bought-into way of life. It’s sort of like renting your identity. It isn’t you. You are more nuanced than the narrative you try to fit yourself into, more complex than the story that “should” be happening.
7. Stop expecting people to be better than they were in high school — learn how to deal with it instead. Just because you’re out of high school doesn’t mean you’re out of high school. There will always be people in your life who want what you have, are threatened by who you are, and will ridicule you for doing something that threatens how they see their position in the world.
8. Stop being stingy. If you really care about something, spend your money on it. There is often a notion that you are saving for something. Either clarify what that thing is or start spending your money on things that are important to you. Spend money on road trips. Spend money on healthy food. Spend money on opportunities. Spend money on things you’ll keep.
9. Stop treating errands as burdens. Instead, use them as time to focus on doing one thing, and doing it right. Errands and chores are essentially rote tasks that allow you time to think. They function to get you away from your phone, the internet, and other distractions. Focus and attention span are difficult things to maintain when you’re focused and attentive on X amount of things at any given moment.
10. Stop blaming yourself for being human. You’re fine. Having a little anxiety is fine. Being scared is fine. Your secrets are fine. You’re well-meaning. You’re intelligent. You’re blowing it out of proportion. You’re fine.
11. Stop ignoring the fact that other people have unique perspectives and positions. Start approaching people more thoughtfully. People will appreciate you for deliberately trying to conceive their own perspective and position in the world. It not only creates a basis for empathy and respect, it also primes people to be more open and generous with you.
12. Stop seeking approval so hard. Approach people with the belief that you’re a good person. It’s normal to want the people around you to like you. But it becomes a self-imposed burden when almost all your behavior toward certain people is designed to constantly reassure you of their approval.
13. Stop considering the same things you’ve always done as the only options there are. It’s unlikely that one of the things you’ll regret when you’re older is not having consumed enough beer in your 20s, or not having bought enough $5 lattes, or not having gone out to brunch enough times, or not having spent enough time on the internet. Fear of missing out is a real, toxic thing. You’ve figured out drinking and going out. You’ve experimented enough. You’ve gotten your fill of internet memes. Figure something else out.
14. Stop rejecting the potential to feel pain. Suffering is a universal constant for sentient beings. It is not unnatural to suffer. Being in a constant state of suffering is bad. But it is often hard to appreciate happiness when there’s nothing to compare it to. Rejecting the potential to suffer is unsustainable and unrealistic.
15. Stop approaching adverse situations with anger and frustration. You will always deal with people who want things that seem counter to your interests. There will always be people who threaten to prevent you from getting what you want by trying to get what they want. This is naturally frustrating. Realize that the person you’re dealing with is in the same position as you — by seeking out your own interests, you threaten to thwart theirs. It isn’t personal — you’re both just focused on getting different things that happen to seem mutually exclusive. Approach situations like these with reason. Be calm. Don’t start off mad, it’ll only make things more tense.
16. Stop meeting anger with anger. People will make you mad. Your reaction to this might be to try and make them mad. This is something of a first-order reaction. That is, it isn’t very thoughtful — it may be the first thing you’re inclined to do. Try to suppress this reaction. Be thoughtful. Imagine your response said aloud before you say it. If you don’t have to respond immediately, don’t.
17. Stop agreeing to do things that you know you’ll never actually do. It doesn’t help anyone. To a certain extent, it’s a social norm to be granted a ‘free pass’ when you don’t do something for someone that you said you were going to do. People notice when youdon’t follow through, though, especially if it’s above 50% of the time.
18. Stop ‘buying’ things you know you’ll throw away. Invest in friendships that aren’t parasitic. Spend your time on things that aren’t distractions. Put your stock in fleeting opportunity. Focus on the important. 
19. Stop being afraid.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The memories of him

This is really hard for me to write about, because it causes me to think about it, which I really don't like to do. So I don't know how this will go when I start writing this post.. but I feel like I should write about it on my blog, I should get it out. Because I need to get through it, I need to think about it and be okay with what happened. To not have panic attacks when I see him in the halls, or when his name comes up on Facebook.

The memories of what happened are always in my mind, lurking in the dark threatening to come out. Me trying to keep them there, in the dark, where they belong. But they can't stay there forever. They have to get out somehow, or they'll slowly pull me down further and further. Then they'll keep coming out at random times, whenever I see his face, or whenever I go on a date if I ever will, or whenever I hang out with a guy in general. Whenever something stressful happens, whenever something reminds me of him, whenever my mind has time to wander and happens to go there. At completely random times even, just popping out when least expected, when they can't remain in the dark.

And it doesn't help when in one of my classes, the computer generated seating chart put us right next to each other. An hour and a half sitting next to him, hearing his voice, seeing his face in my peripheral vision, trying to hold back my panic, three times a week.

I keep thinking I've gotten a handle on it. That I've talked it through in therapy enough, and I can see him without panicking. Without all the flashbacks and anxiety and fear. But then things keep getting bad again. I think I can handle it, but I can't. I go downhill once again. I get panic attacks in classes again. I go hide in the bathroom, shaking, getting through the anxiety, and come out again pretending everything's fine. Or trying to. Or sometimes not even trying to.

But the memories are always still there, waiting in the back of my mind to come out at the worst possible times. Images going through my mind, fear shuddering through my body, his voice repeating in my ears. "You want me to touch you." Stop touching me. I don't want you to touch me. No. But he doesn't listen. He thinks I'm joking. He keeps going. So I stop protesting. I can't fight anything anymore. I'm too weak already to resist him on top of it all.

He gets a girlfriend. And he keeps doing it. She finds out. An entire group of people turns against me. All my closest friends hate me. Think I'm dirty. That i'm the "other girl." As one of my friends put it, his "mistress." All of these disgusting words. Words I started to actually believe.

He was my best friend, I trusted him with the most secret things I had in my mind. And he did this. Repeatedly. Many many times over 4 months or so. People just cannot be trusted.

I put it to the back of my mind. Put it in the dark, boxed it up, and covered it in more darkness, to the point where it wasn't there any longer. It didn't happen. I had no memory of it. Until after many months of therapy, one day maybe four or five months after it all happened and a couple months after I had started daily therapy, it all came back to me one day. All the feelings. Some memories, some images, slowly started seeping back into my mind over the next few weeks and months, until now finally I have full memories of most of what happened, although I'm not entirely sure since I would rather not think about them. Tormenting me. Reminding me of the things I had suppressed, things that were better left forgotten.

School starts once again, and we sit together in a class. Exactly what I need. I thought it would get easier. That it was the world saying, "you must learn to cope." I didn't ask to change seats. But things don't get better. They're only getting worse if anything.

The days when I don't see him are a relief. The days when I'm not blatantly reminded of him and what happened.

But the memories remain nonetheless, they are too painful to remember but yet they keep coming back. They will always be in my life. Forever.

Doing better

Hi everybody.. Sorry for the really odd post last night. I'm doing a lot better today, but still totally freaked out from what happened. I didn't go to Japanese class, instead talked to my counsellor at school and sat in the office for that period. I told my mum this morning about everything that happened last night, she got quite afraid and worried like me.. Making me promise to see both my counsellor and the school psychologist, and I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. I'm still feeling pretty strange, like I'm not myself, I don't know. I'm just afraid of something happening again like last night.

It helped talking to the counsellors.. They assured me I'm not crazy. Which is good. Now it's just to get through the day without incident I suppose.

Out of control

Hi everybody. Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days.. I just really haven't been up to it, you know how sometimes life just gets in the way? That's how it's been. Things have just been a bit too insane for me to have the words to put everything going on in my mind into a blog post. So I just haven't stressed myself over trying at all.

But for now.. if you don't have an instagram (mine is watercolorelephant if you have one) I've posted a lot on there the past couple days, you can view things on this website I just found: http://web.stagram.com/n/watercolorelephant/ so if you want to see what I've been up to, here it is :) The top three pictures sum up today, I went to a dog show with one of my friends, then to study at starbucks with some other friends and then to dinner at sushi boat.

So besides my day-to-day things.. well mentally things are insane right now. I am completely unstable. I've been on these meds that have basically made me go crazy this past month. (As I think I wrote about before, with the mood swings and such?). Well I met with my psychiatrist, and I'm thankfully off that now, they also gave me something to basically make me pass out if I'm having a panic attack (which I've been having them almost every day the past week or so......). Which is good to have. Because I have gotten quite extreme with these mood change episodes and panic attacks.. it's quite worrisome. And almost dangerous at times. Like tonight. Tonight was horrid.. I was having a perfectly nice time out with friends, got lots of good studying and then had a really good dinner at sushi boat. Just before leaving my house earlier in the day to meet my friends for studying, I felt a little unstable, but it soon passed, or so I had though. But all of a sudden before we got in the car, everything exploded. I went completely insane. It's all kind of a blur, I don't quite remember what happened from when I got in the car to when we parked back in town at starbucks (we drove to a neighboring town for dinner). But I had basically flipped out apparently.. and really scared my friends. Like I suppose I was super energetic one second, then on the verge of tears, and like yelling and jumping around with tons of energy and then all of a sudden for the rest of the car ride completely fell asleep.. And I was seeming super impulsive I guess, or something? And when we got to starbucks, they told me they didn't know what was happening with me, I was scared too. And they wanted to take me home but I didn't want to go home, so I got out of the car to go into starbucks but they wouldn't come, they stayed in the car. So I threatened to leave and just walk out into town by myself in the dark at 9:30PM. Which I was totally going to do actually. But I went to look in starbucks to sit there myself, but there were no tables, so I paced around the shopping centre a few times and by then walking around and breathing fresh air I had gotten back to a normal state of mind, and then I was pretty much shaking about what had just happened.. I walked back to the car, and I knew they were talking about me in there.. and I was trying to get in, but for some reason the doors were locked and they couldn't get them open and I was starting to freak out, wanting to get in the car, thinking they're talking behind my back, saying I'm insane. Not wanting to let me in or something.. and they were saying they were going to call my parents, my best friend Z has my home number programmed into his phone (for good reason I guess? He's such a good friend.) But they finally were able to get the doors open, I got into the car and explained to them about my meds and such and assured them i'm used to it, they shouldn't be worried (of course, I haven't really had anything that severe before???). But they were still worried and we were all quite shaken up, I apologiezed for my craziness a billion times and they said no, don't apologize, we just want you to be okay. So they took me home, I had a long hot shower, and now I'm okay but still pretty shaken up. Regardless, I don't think I'm getting my studying done tonight, I think I won't be going to the class I have a test in today. I'll stay in the office during that class. Especially since I sit next to a person that triggers panic attacks almost every time I see him (aka in class every other day...) because of some bad experiences that happened last year which I still haven't written about on my blog yet.. So I think with my current mental state, I won't push it, I'm going to go to bed without being stressed over school and just get my rest.

Well that was definitely not intended, that huge long paragraph.. I really don't want to read through that again, so I'm sorry if none of it makes any sense at all? And I hope you guys don't think I'm crazy or something now, because it probably sounds like that.. and to be honest times like tonight I get quite afraid of what my mind is doing, what's wrong with me?

I feel like I'm doing so well with recovery and such, I don't want to let you guys down by writing such a downer post like this.. like I should be trying to be an inspiration or something? But I suppose it's my blog, my way of letting my thoughts out. And if I'm having a hard time.. well it helps to write it all out here. So I'm sorry if I disappoint anybody. I'm doing so well so much of the time. But things are tough lately. I don't know what's happening anymore.


Yes, yes? I liked it being happy? Can I go back there please?

Monday, October 22, 2012

No french class today..

Been looking forward all day to french class.. and then mood dampener, when I find out.. I can't go today :( 

My best friend Z has kind of been shutting me out lately.. or i'm not really sure, maybe it's all in my head? But he's just been kinda, cold towards me. Or not necessarily cold. But we just haven't hung out really in almost a week. I understand where he's coming from though, he's SUUUUPER stressed at the moment with schoolwork and university applications and such like that.. but still, he is shutting me out a bit more than I would like.. a bit more than necessary? I just wish he wasn't.

So today he told me that I can't come to french class.. because he doesn't want to be "distracted" since it's going to be a stressful period or something.? He doesn't usually talk to me much during class.. I definitely don't distract him, I just sit there learning french and doing my work? But okay.

So therefore, I'm here in the library for another hour or so.. I suppose I'll do some other studying now. Maybe do some french work here in the library. I'm so sad I'm not at class right now, I LOVE that class :( 

Oh and by the way.. that probably all sounds really weird, me not going to a class because a friend told me not to? But it's not a class I'm actually required to go to. I'm not enrolled in it. I just go to the class and sit in on it. The teacher likes me a ton, she enjoys having me in the class.. I don't do the work though, and don't get a grade or anything.. Like I'm auditing the class, I think that might be the word? It's Advanced French level 5, and I've never taken french before, lol! But I learn SO much in that class, I've learned quite a bit of french so far, if I keep going consistently I think I'll be able to speak a good amount by the end of the year.. the whole immersion idea? :) Plus my mum is fluent in french, so she helps me along with it at home!

Anyways. That's what I'm up to right now :)

I suppose I should study my Japanese now.. I have a large test coming up. And then when I'm done with some of that I'll use one of the french books here at the library to do some studying out of, since I'm not at class.. then I'll go meet my friends after their class, hopefully Z won't be 'too busy' to hang out with me.!  or at least to give me a ride home.. :/

Friday, October 19, 2012

My insane life at the moment

Hello!

Currently sitting in the library, I have ca. 30 minutes left to write a post before I go to meet my friends, for the first half hour of the current class I spent talking to D (my counsellor at school), then I worked on maths and studying for the next half hour, and now I'm allowing myself blogg-time!!

So, what has been going on with me lately? 

Well I barely even know the answer to that question to be honest with you.

 I started a new medication to start having my period about 3 weeks ago, and well, it has had quite negatively affected me. Since I started it, I began to have these mood swings quite often. And the past few days (starting around Sunday or Monday), they got extremely intense. Like, as in, dangerously intense.

The first night I had a crazy mood swing, well the worst one yet was two nights ago, on wednesday night. I had been doing completely fine that day, was in a good mood and all. And then all of a sudden that night (I was alone in the house) I was just completely filled with depression and panic and suicidal thoughts. I started pacing and pacing and pacing around my room, alternated with lying in bed, breathing quickly, heart racing. My mind just so jumbled I couldn't even think straight. Crying intensely, then anxiety taking over and pacing again. Lying in bed listening to myself breathe and wondering how much of my depression meds it would take to overdose, how much would kill me. (which as I looked up, the meds I'm on do not actually kill you if you overdose, or very rarely do at least. Rather they have quite bad effects that I would not like to experience if you overdose, and potentially permenantly damaging.. no thank you?).

As you can see.. well, VERY intense and VERY not fun to deal with.

And after an hour or so passed like this, I was totally fine once again. (or I wouldn't say totally fine, definitely shaken up and scared that I would go back again, but the suicidal thoughts/depressiveness/anxiety were mostly gone).

Yesterday after we got back from the city, around 2:45 or 3.. well, the same happened again. I started to panic, get anxiety, go depressive and suicidal.. I ended up walking around the school/surrounding town for about an hour. Just trying to get all the anxiety and bad thoughts out of me.. Trying to deal with living. Get through the mood swing. Not wanting to go home, where I would be entirely alone and worse things could happen (overdosing, self harming, acting on my suicidal thoughts.. which, i'm not actually suicidal, I don't want to die!!!! It's just the fricking mood swings, the thoughts come in, and I want them to GO AWAY!). So I decided to protect myself by staying away from the potential for bad things to happen, and being around people, until it passed. But finally after an hour of walking, I was exhausted (restriction the past couple days.. which I am happy to say, I kicked in the ass today :)) and not feeling any better than before, even more anxiety and thoughts tumbling around my head if anything. I was walking past all the offices in school a billion times, seeing if anybody was left that I knew.. but mo matter how many times I walked through, the normal people I talk to still weren't there, they had probably left for the day (it was 4 at this point).

Finally, I decided to go into the office labelled "School Psychologist." And a nice looking man was in there, I just went in and said, "Hi, you're a psychologist right? I'm Anja, could I talk to you for a little bit?". Kinda weird.. but it was really good that I went in, of course he welcomed me into his office, I told him my story and what's been happening lately, and we had a really good talk for about a half hour. And it helped SO much, just to be able to get everything spinning in my mind out of my mouth. By the end of it, I was feeling entirely back to normal mood, just a bit shaken up still. But I was able to go home then with no problems, and enjoy the rest of my night, relaxing and going my schoolwork.

I'm really proud of myself with how I dealt with that yesterday.. I did what I needed to do to handle the situation and take care of myself, to prevent anything bad from happening. And I also had a really good talk with my mum last night about what had been happening the past couple days, I was 100% honest with her in letting her know what was going on, that was so good to do. It helped a lot also having her know, another person there to support me when I need it, increasing my network of people to help me get through the extreme depressive episodes.

I haven't had a major one today so far (phew!). I had a smaller one at the end of study period/beginning of maths which only lasted ca. 20 minutes, it was manageable at least. I was on the verge of being panic-attack during maths, but I was able to calm myself down and just focus on the class, on how much maths makes sense and works, what I love about it- when everything else is confusing, at least maths works out right! So I got through that one without any big problems. Thought about asking the teacher if I could leave class for a couple minutes to sit on my own outside to deal with a panic attack because I've been having anxiety lately.. but I decided not to, that I would be able to get through it sitting in my seat and I could always leave if it got worse to the point where I really needed to go. Which it didn't get that bad, so it was okay.


Well, there's what's been going on in my life at the moment, if anybody actually read all of that? If you did, well, virtual high five ;)

Today I have a private yoga session with my teacher coming up in an hour and 15 minutes.. WOOHOO! So excited :) And I will be wearing my new Lululemon yoga pants and using my Lululemon yoga mat--- the loves of my life, i'll post pictures of them later :):):)

And I'll see if I can get out for dinner with friends tonight or something..! And other than that, just prepping whatever more I can for the PSAT tomorrow and just relaxing. Taking care of myself. Starting a new art project which I had the idea for this morning (inspired my my mood swings..) which I will post when I'm done painting, of course :)

Hope you're all doing well!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Instagram

Well, it seems now that everybody is exchanging Instagrams all of a sudden.. so here you go!

My instagram name is @watercolorelephant

Feel free to follow me!! :) And I will pretty much definitely follow you back :)

Craziness

Hi all!

I had a great time in the city today, I'll post a bunch of pictures as soon as I get them uploaded to my computer. But for now it's a fast post and then off to bed for me, i'm super tired after a long day!

I feel like I still have so much to catch up about on my blog.. so much to write about. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow after lunch, when I have my hour and a half in the library.. it's a Friday, so I think it'll be fine if I focus on the blogg instead of maths for once ;) although I do have the psat on Saturday morning.. I suppose I'll just split my time between the two, I need my relax-time of course and I've studied pretty well (okay that's actually a HUGE overstatement.. I spent about an hour or an hour and a half a couple days ago studying through the workbook.. haven't actually taken a practice test yet even though I keep saying I will :S tomorrow will be the day for that!!! the day before the test? yup, that's how I do it apparently...).

Anyways. Today ended up being pretty crazy. Or I suppose, not today, it's just me, I was crazy today. And yesterday. And just in general. I don't know.. I'll tell you guys about it tomorrow, right now what I really need is to get some nice solid sleep in for a maths quiz tomorrow.

And my final words to you.. keep fighting ED, don't give up!! It will try to sneak in, slip into every little possible opening in your life. And you just have to stay strong.. If you give in one time, then you can't give in the next day as well. You can't just say, "well it's just for today, I'll stop after today. I'll just eat tomorrow." Because trust me, that doesn't work. You'll find that every day, you'll be saying the same thing.. well it's okay, I'll just get back on track tomorrow. And it just gets worse from there. Harder to get back on track. In my opinion, with ED habits, it only takes twice for a bad habit to form in recovery. Or that's how it is for me at least. If I restrict one day, and then the next day I give in and restrict again.. well after that, it's a pattern I can't get myself out of. So if you slip up one day (which, everybody has those days, it's not realistic to be 100% on recovery all the time..), well, just make sure that the next day, you get back on track. 

Sorry, that actually came out sounding more like a lecture.....?? sorry about that! I guess that was really just more of me lecturing myself :) because if you can tell by this point, well, I have slipped up quite a bit the past few days. And i'm on a bad downward path now. But I'm catching myself. I'm not going all the way back to where I was. I don't want to. That's not a life. I don't want that life. So I need to pick myself up, wake up tomorrow, and say. "Fuck anorexia. You're not running my life anymore." Excuse the swearing, but I felt it was necessary in this context ;)

Well there you go, my much longer-than-expected post when I really should be sleeping :) More tomorrow! x
Taking a trip to the city today with my class.. I guess I can say, since it's a little ways away from where I live (just don't want to get too specific about where I live? lol). We're all getting into charter buses to take an hours or more bus ride up to San Francisco :)

It should be really fun! Kind of worried with my excessive mood swings lately.. still haven't written about last night?? Gosh I don't even want to think about all that happened last night.. but I'll post about it later when I have time. Just gonna try not to let all that emotional craziness get to me, and have fun in the city today!

Hope you're all doing well, time for me to go have some breakfast so I can get out to the buses in time :)


Music I've been enjoying lately!


Laleh- Vårens Första Dag


Marc Robillard- Time With You


Alyssa Bonagura- I Make My Own Sunshine

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Missing my "family"

I'm sitting in my room just kind of sitting around on the computer and such.. and for the past couple hours, I've been able to hear the entire marching band rehearsal at my school (I live pretty near my school). And I'm feeling so sad, hearing it and not being there.. lately I've been quite sad about not being in band anymore, I've missed it a TON. All my friends are in band. I'm always around them and band stuff and such.. there are still people that start talking to me about something that happened in rehearsal the other day or something, and then they're like, 'oh yeah you're not in band anymore, I forgot!'. I sit with them at the football games but for the first half when they're in uniform I get kicked out of the section by my band director (*their* band director), however i'm usually able to sneak in second half when they're all in their jeans and band jacket (which I am wearing as well.) And I have to say, that my band director is really sad to have to kick me out and such, he was extremely sad about me quitting band and always wants me back, he cares about me a lot and has been really supportive about my recovery and such.

But even though I'm still really close with the band and such.. it still feels like i'm on the outside. I'm not actually in it. I don't have to go through the grueling three hour or all day rehearsals. I'm not there for the hours of bus rides. A joke will be made, and I don't get it, because I wasn't there for it.

And times like tonight.. I hear them practicing. And I am just longing to be there with them, on the freezing cold football field under the bright stadium lights, working our butts off to perfect the show, as one unified group. Surrounded by all my friends, bonding in the torturous hours of practice as exhaustion sets in.

I didn't even expect to miss it at all. I was ready to drop it all, all the drama in band, all the long horrible rehearsals in either unbearable heat or unbearable cold, the extreme lack of time to do anything else with your life, barely fitting in homework. But I do miss it now. I miss it so much.

I miss my family.






^^LOL.. my awkward, dysfunctional family. 

Lookin' snazzy with that math team shirt

Me on the far left


Yup.. I'm missing this.

Me today

Hello everybody! This is me today :) lots of updates... I'll wait till I get on a computer for that though, I'm at the library but I think I'll at least do a practice test before letting myself anywhere near a computer ;) (on my mobile right now)

Monday, October 15, 2012

What is wrong with me?

It's so hard to handle my mood swings.. seriously, I can go from a great mood, to feeling completely shit in a moment. It's been happening so often lately. Dealing with it is just so hard. Sometimes it's because something happened, and it made me upset (or really happy.. not usually that way though? can't think of a single example of that?). But a lot of the time, it's entirely random. Like I can't see it coming at all. I'll be out with my friends, or doing some homework, or anything and have a ton of good energy and motivation. And then all of a sudden, it's just completely gone, and I'm exhausted and down, with suicidal thoughts going through my head. Wanting everything to just be over. Feeling disconnected and completely depressed. And then a while later, maybe I'll be fine again? Or have moved on to a totally different emotion? Happy one moment, having anxiety attacks the next, being in tears, going to completely fine and calm.? And I can never see it coming, or most of the time at least.

Usch. I'm just tired. I don't feel like talking about it in therapy. Because then I'll have to think so hard, about what the different causes are for my mood swings.. what will set me off into another mood. What is behind my emotional instability. And I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of therapy. Of talking about myself, and thinking so totally deeply into what I'm thinking and feeling. Analyzing my entire thought processes. I'm just tired. Sometimes I just want to be like, Screw this. I just want to live my life. Most people don't have therapy, don't have to think through every little detail of their thoughts. But then again, people who do think about their thoughts probably are better off in the long run with the self-awareness and such.. but still. I'm so sick of it all. 

Sick of living. 

And I wouldn't be surprised if in another hour I'll be writing a post that says.. "I love life! I'm the happiest person ever! I can't wait to do everything I get to fill my life up with doing!"

I just have to keep going regardless I suppose. And I'll just talk about it more in therapy tomorrow (UGH).

Look whose on fire today!

Great way to start the day? I think so :)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Busy bee has no time to post!

Hello everybody!

Sorry for not posting the past couple days, I wish I could have been able to but I've just been at a complete lack of time!

I had a great birthday and a nice weekend overall. It's getting pretty late now though and I want to get a good amount of sleep tonight, so I think i'll just post about it tomorrow- I have my hour and a half in the library tomorrow, when I usually get most of my posts written :) and I know if I start writing about it all now, well, I won't be sleeping for another hour!!

So I hope you're all doing well, and thanks for the birthday wishes :) you can look forward to my posts tomorrow ;)




Some inspiration for you ^^^

And finally: 


:)

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Too funny not to post!

I just checked facebook one last time before heading to bed.. and I saw this that one of my friends posted, I just couldn't help putting it on here!!!


LOL!

Hope you've all had a good day :) stay strong! 

And sorry that I haven't replied to a couple emails yet, i'm going to get to that as soon as possible, i'm just juggling a lot of stuff right now but i'll definitely have a reply sent by the end of the weekend :) I promise!!

Currently:

Got this list idea from Izzy at http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com/ !

Reading: Frankenstein by Mary Shelley for my literature class. It's a great book, I love it!! I haven't been reading anything other than school books for a couple years now though.. because in most of my lit/english classes, we have had a HUGE load of books to read. But they're usually good books, so it's okay :)

Watching: New Girl (love love love love LOVE!). Big Bang Theory. Switched at Birth. Breaking Amish. there may be more.. those are just my favourites off the top of my head though :) And I also just saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend with my mum, it is easily one of my all-time favourite movies!! It was SOOOO good! The book was amazing also. And the film was both written and directed by the author of the book, so it's really awesome.. unlike a lot of the time, when the movie messes everything up or something? But when the actual author does the writing AND directing.. well, it's his book/movie, so he'll do it right :)



Working on: Maths... PSAT studying. Japanese, French, and ASL! :) and studying for my driving permit test :)

Thinking about: Recovery, trying to get better, fighting anorexia/depression/anxiety, getting over some of the things that happened last year. But also good things.. having fun with my friends! My birthday. My future!!!!!! What I want to do with my life (anxiety provoking.. but also very exciting at the same time.. I have so many options, so many potential paths I could take!!). Studying. Driving. Getting more freedom with my time and food, and also freedom of where I can go.. now that my friend Z and I drive around so much, and the world is open to us (or so it seems! :)). My craaaazy mood swings lately.. I've started some new meds in addition to everything else, for hormones, to get my period to regulate normally again. Which might as well just be named PMS Pills, LOL! But seriously, my mood swings have been insane after starting these meds. Lots of stuff on my mind!! No wonder it gets a bit crazy sometimes, like this morning? Just too much at once for me to handle!

Listening to: Maroon 5, and a TON of radio, i've been on iheartradio and also playing radio in the car a ton lately. Basically everything played on STAR 101.3, one of my local radio stations, it's on iheart at this page or their main website here. Not really very original or unique, like they're pretty much playing the top charts/popular music, but I'm enjoying it right now, there's some really great stuff out!! (Payphone, One More Night, Lights, etc :))


Eating: Fresh Mozzarella. Seriously, I can NOT seem to get enough fresh mozzarella cheese lately, it's just the most amazing stuff EVER. So good. And Falafels, I'm loving falafels. And any kind of asian food, I absolutely LOVE asian food. (japanese food especially.. salmon teriyaki! Mochi/any kind of japanese sweet or candy, been frequenting the Japanese market nearby reecently with my friends! miso soup is just the best ever, now i'm craving it so much, maybe i'll get some after school haha! so nice and warm sounding too, it's pretty stormy and cold here right now, we actually had a huge thunderstorm yesterday i.e. a 'me unplugging everything in the house' kind of thunderstorm..! It hasn't rained yet today, but it's cloudy and gray.) Well I got a little off track didn't I? :) oh well! Now I'm hungry thinking about all my current favouites/cravings :)



hungry now?? :)

Anticipating: My future. Getting better. Not having to go to appointments all the time.. Going to university in Europe, studying languages, travelling the world! Mostly long-term anticipations.. but getting better, having less appointments, getting more activity and freedom back.. well that's happening now :)


^^^Lund University in Sweden... yes please??????? :)

Wishing: I was more social and outgoing. Wishing I had a date for Homecoming, which is in a couple weeks.. :) Nobody's going to ask me though.. or not that I know of? I am not social enough to really know someone to ask me, the only guy I really talk to anyway is my best friend Z, and there are a few other girls that I talk to on a regular basis. And besides my little group of friends.. well I don't really have anybody? Hence, I wish I was more social.. i'm going to work on it though :) just need to break out of my shell! Just talk to people! And about homecoming.. well maybe I'll just go with Z or something? LOL :P but we both want to go, and the girl he was thinking of asking found out he was thinking about asking her and so that's all kind of ruined now, because she said that she would say no if he asked (she was actually really bitchy about it.. :(( ). So maybe we'll just go as friends or something, because we both want to go..? :)


well that was a really fun one! I had to switch computers halfway through so the pictures kinda got messed up, not sure why, and I can't really fix it because blogger's being weird? But oh well, i'll just post it and see what happens, maybe fix it later if I can :)

Another afternoon in the library

At the moment I'm sitting at the town library, during the last class of the day, until 2pm when I'll meet my friends after their class. I may go into town with them for a little bit or something like that.. not too sure! My dad wants to do something with me today because my mum is away at a conference all day.. we're going to go out driving!! i.e. ME driving the car around an empty parking lot :D I'll make another post about driving after I finish this one hehe, because I have a LOT of free time at the moment :) and lots of time before my friends' classes get out! Then I may meet up with some friends after driving with my dad, probably will hang out with them for most of the night. There's my day :)

This morning was somewhat rough.. I had a nightmare last night, kind of a flashback-nightmare to some of the things that happened to me last year.. there's some stuff that I haven't written about yet on my blog. Because I had actually supressed it until I remembered it in therapy around August or so. But I'll just leave that stuff for another post :) so I woke up a bit rattled, and then this morning I just had LOADS of anxiety, i'm not too sure why. A lot to do with the dream, and then I had a maths test, which I always have lots of pointless anxiety over.. pointless because I'm great at maths and always get some of the top marks, maybe it's because I do so well that I hold myself to a higher standard or something, and am always afraid i'm going to mess that up? Maybe. But anyways, I was on the verge of panic attacks a couple times, but I managed to walk around and get my anxiety down when it flared up, paying attention to slow my breathing if it got fast, etc. The maths test actually went really well. And then it was lunch with my friends.. fun as always, and I actually ate all of it today..!!! YAY! SUCCESS :) (and yes.. i view that as a success nowadays, recovery = success :)).

So now I'm done with all my schoolwork for the week, I've done everything due tomorrow already.. but I think I'll get ahead on the stuff assigned today, just because that's the kind of person I am.. always looking for more studying to occupy myself with :) And I also need to work on studying for the PSAT/NMSQT, and the SAT's. The PSAT is on Oct. 20, so I kind of need to get on that studying, since it's coming up soon.. i'm going to take a couple practice tests tonight I think.

There's all that's up with me at the moment! Now I'm just going to write out some more posts, while I have the free time and the super nice library computers :)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Birthday time!

Guess what everybody??

My birthday is on Saturday!!! :)

Exciting right?? Yup :) 

My plans are, going to my favorite shopping centrum in the morning with my mum so I can do some shopping.. she's hinted at lululemon, and possibly urban outfitters as well, but I'm not certain which stores she's planning to take me too, whatever it turns out to be though I'm SUPER EXCITED :D 

Then we're having birthday lunch with the family- me, mum, dad, grandpa, and aunt. Going to a really yummy chinese/burmese cuisine restaurant.. it's my favourite restaurant!! REALLY good!

Then at night I'll be meeting a few friends to go out to dinner and such :) 

Really excited for a great day!! And of course I'll post a lot of pictures :)

Do any of you have a fun birthday tradition, or something you do? 

In the past couple years, my birthday has always been a time of anxiety. Fear. Guilt. Thinking for weeks ahead about how to get out of having birthday cake, or how to hide from people that i'm not eating at my favourite birthday dinner meal.. And then afterwards, from eating more than usual, having cake, etc. Getting super anxious and guilty. Exercising for hours in my room. Shutting away from people, disliking all the attention from everybody.. thinking, i'm not good enough for this, why do they all care about me so much? Stop looking at me!! I'm too fat to be looked at! And of course, guilt over birthday presents.. they shouldn't have spent money on me. BUT. Not anymore! This year, I will have a Normal and Fun birthday. A recovered birthday. A day when I can relax, enjoy some attention and gift giving, and yes, EATING, without any guilt or anxiety :) I'm confident that I can do it! 

This year will be a good birthday, without anorexia getting in the way :)


Sorry for my lack of posts the past couple days! I just haven't seemed to find a spare moment to write a post (that is, except when I was miserable at school earlier today :)). Nothing much new to update you all on.. Just school today, then I came home and relaxed a while. Played piano, had a shower, thought about doing some painting but didn't get around to it. And catched up on some series, New Girl (love love love love LOVEEEE! Watch if you haven't seen it!!!!! You will absolutely LOVE it I guarantee, it never fails to cheer me up!). and Switched at Birth (really good show! I have to admit, I'm a sucker for all the ABC Family stuff :)). Then I had therapy, which was fine.. and then I met my friend Z for dinner, we drove to a thai place and then a coffee-shop for homework (aka talking with our homework in front of us ;)). And it's always fun hanging out with him, that was nice, gosh we see each other so often.. at least a few times a day, haha, we meet before school.. during school.. after school.. for dinner.. at night.. talk on the phone later till one of us ends up falling asleep.. :P Haha, sounds kinda crazy when I lay it out like that??? Oh well, we enjoy hanging out :)

Now it's just to finish up a couple more paragraphs for Literature class, we're reading Frankenstein right now. Quite a good book, I'm enjoying it! And my lit teacher is AMAZING also, so I like that class a lot (although it can be somewhat difficult at times! The teacher's really good, so we actually have to think, haha! No 'cookie-cutter' essay writing I'm used to from past years, whipping out 5 essays in a day.. nope, now we have to think about the book SO much deeper than before!).

Hope you're all having a good day!

^^old picture from this summer.. just thought I'd throw it in here, as it's getting close to homecoming at my school, people getting asked left and right!! maybe i'll get asked??? nope, not a chance :P
Hating school so much right now, can't wait to go home in two hours. -.-

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I think I'm figuring out why I had such a LOOOOONG blog-pause.. it was because I was going to my treatment program every single day. And when you spend 3+ hours in therapy every day, well, you can kinda get out everything you need to talk about, and then afterwards it's like. "I'm exhausted, PLEASE nobody make me talk ANY more about myself." So blogging was just a nope, I've already talked about myself enough today, no more. 

But now that I'm out of the every day program. Continuing as an outpatient. I need a way to express my thoughts/feelings/things that happen somehow.. and that's blogging for me! Especially with tons of people that understand, and feel the same things, just like treatment was. Because it's only my first day out of treatment, but I'm already feeling the.. have to blog, have to blog, have to blog EVERY MOMENT of my entire life!!!!! obsession coming on :) I mean, two posts already and I've only been at the library 50 minutes so far..? Hehe :) 

So expect many posts from me from now on, I can say that confidently now unlike before, as I have now caught the blogging-bug once again :)


It's so easy to go from happy to tears in just a moment

All it takes is a tiny moment, for everything to be completely great, to being on the verge of tears. That's happened to me so many times today. I've actually been having a REALLY tough day.

Right now I'm at our public library, it's 12:45, on one of their computers signed on with my library card. I love that we have a ton of computers, they're super nice and it's a good place to just sit and work if there isn't other homework you need to be working on (or if you don't feel like doing it at the moment ;)) Everybody at school is in the last class today, but as I only have two classes in the morning and don't have a third class, I ate lunch with my friends and now am at the library for an hour and a half, I'm going to meet them again when their classes end and we'll hang out or study together, something.

But school was really not so awesome today. I'm in this huge fight with one of my best friends right now, I'll call her L. She's been having a lot of issues with depression lately, and she's missed a TON of classes, to be in the counsellors offices. There are some classes that she hasn't been to in weeks. And sometimes she just stays home, etc. She relies on me a ton to tell her problems to and such, like I'm her therapist. But I just can't really be that right now, she stresses me out a ton, I can't handle other's problems on top of all I've been dealing with at the moment. But she's one of my closest friends, I help her as much as I can.

She can also be really triggering for me though. I don't think she has a full-blown eating disorder, but she definitely has a lot of the signs of anorexia, and she blatantly flaunts it in front of me, plus she's really underweight. Like, "I didn't have dinner tonight, I don't eat after 9 because then I'm full for breakfast, etc. etc." Wtf?? Why are you telling me this, you even KNOW i'm in recovery and how hard it is for me to keep on track?? And one time we were talking about the possibility of me going to residential, and she randomly told me that whenever she goes to the doctor they tell her she's underweight and stuff like that (not mentioning numbers, they're probably triggering)...

I could go on ranting about her for a very long time (and do so to my mum quite often, as L's been pissing me off quite a bit lately ..).

But anyways. On Tuesday night, we were talking. And she had been with the counsellors that day. They had a meeting with her and her mum, to talk about their relationship and such which has been a little rocky lately, contributing to her depression. She said that they also told her that she can't really go to the counsellors during class anymore, because they think she's using it partly to avoid classes and she can't do that. And she definitely is at least a little bit, she's even told me that before sometimes. Things like, "I don't have my history homework done, I'm going to go to the counsellors during that class." and the like. Avoiding school because she doesn't have things done, but then it's even harder to get back on track because she misses more. So her counsellors talked to her about this, and she refused it, getting quite mad about it. She told me this, and I kind of agreed with them, almost calling her out on it in a way, but as nicely and carefully as possible. I mean, I was just so annoyed with her and fed up at this point that I just had to say something about it. And she got super pissed at me. She didn't respond at all, when I tried to talk to her multiple times. Yesterday I tried to talk to her at school and she literally turned around when I tried to say hi a few times, not even looking at me. I followed her out of the class and tried to talk, she actually turned around in the other direction and RAN away from me. (she always has really immature reactions if anybody upsets her, and goes way overboard...)

I found out from my best friend, who had talked to her the night I upset her, and she had called me bipolar and stuff...????????? (By the way I'm in no way saying it's bad being bipolar. Just, to be called bipolar by somebody, when you already have depression/self harm/anorexia/anxiety etc...? Not the best feeling. Like there's something more wrong with you than already if that makes sense). So that just pissed me off a ton. When I found that out I actually didn't go to my next class at first, I went to the office to clear my head a bit before going so I would be able to focus and get all the anxiety I was feeling down. (one of the good things about being close with the office people from spending so much time there.. being able to just go and say, "I need a few minutes." and they're like, Of course, whatever you need!). So that's all been quite hard to deal with. Had a terrible time in school yesterday.


Then today, we sit together in our morning class.. she literally did not look at me the ENTIRE time. I felt like total crap after that. Not even a glance. Facing the other direction the whole time. I felt absolutely horrid. And after that during study period, I couldn't find anybody to be with.. it was horrible, I just felt like I had no friends, I was a total outsider, nobody to connect to. I actually walked around the school the entire half hour.. bad anorexia habit from before... Felt horrible. And I didn't wanna give in to the ed behavior, but all I could think was.. walk, don't eat, etc. I wanted to go to some place alone and just disappear, but there's nowhere really to be alone in the school anyways..

At lunch, she walked past our table and I automatically said hi when I saw her, she just looked at me and turned the other direction. It's a horrible feeling, when one of your absolute closest friends does that to you.. And you were only ever trying to help them, never even meant to hurt or offend them in the very least, everything you've said came from a place of total caring and extreme worry?

Usch. And I was having a good time at lunch before that. (dealing with tough ed thoughts, but was managing, fighting them). And then all of a sudden, in a moment my mood went to depressed, anxious, all of it, just from that little action, I ended up leaving the table to have a moment alone in the bathroom to reground myself, get down my anxiety and stuff.

Well anyways, now I'm wondering if anybody actually read any of that??? LOL. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, it must have been pretty boring :) But I'm hoping that things are going to get better with me and her.. maybe it will just have to be healed by time (this thing better pass over because I love L, we have tons of fun together.. Plus sitting with her in multiple classes..). So I'm not loving school right now really. I'm happy to have time to myself with less classes than everybody else, to leave campus and go to the library. Do my studying and blogging..

After this class ends at 2 Im' meeting my best friend Z and another person to do some studying, then Z and I are going to hang out longer, I'm not sure what we'll do after that, probably just drive around or something.

Hope you're all having better days than mine :)