Monday, December 2, 2013

Recovery ABC's

I came across this on tumblr, thought it was really cute :)


These things are all very important in recovery! And while most seem extremely difficult, they are so worth it in the end. It's not like you need to do them all at the same time, also. Just start out with a few, see how you can incorporate the value into your life, and through your recovery eventually you will be utilizing all of these different ideas. 

Maybe something you can do, is for a month or so, choose one letter each day and focus on what is written for that letter throughout the day. See how you can incorporate it into your life. Or maybe, choose a word for a day/week and see what the letters spell out, and focus on those things in your recovery during that week :)

Writer's (Blogger's) Block?

I seem to be at a block of what to write at the moment. Maybe it's just because I haven't been blogging for such a long time and I've just started up again, and am not used to it. But I think it's also because I'm in such a better place now than I was before. I'm not sure what to write about? So, I thought I would ask you. (if anyone can bother/care to comment and let me know :)) What would you like me to write about more- my daily life, my ED/recovery, recovery in general, advice, food.. I don't know, just leave me a comment and tell me what you want me to write more of. Because I really want my blog to not just be an outlet for me in my own life, but I want it to be helpful to others, like a resource to help anyone in their journey through recovery/life.

So what should I write about? :)

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Home

Quick post just to update you guys, I'm back home now :) I had a really nice vacation, we were thinking about coming back home on Sunday morning, but me and my mum both had so much work to do we decided we should just come home tonight to have more time tomorrow for work. Tomorrow I'll upload the pictures from my trip :) Hope you all are doing well!!

Friday, November 29, 2013

Over 10,000 Views!

I've just noticed, my blog has passed 10,000 views since it was made! I remember when I first passed 100, and then 1,000, and was super excited from each of those :) anyways, thank you to everybody who has kept up reading my blog, even after all my blog pauses, which hopefully I will not have any more of now :)

Also, I'm thinking of changing my blog title now- no longer 'Breaking free from Anorexia', but something more like 'Life After Anorexia' or such like that :) actually, that's a pretty good one, I think I'll change it to that right now, the start of a new era of my blog :)

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Stress

I have just been under so much stress lately, usch. There isn't really any way to avoid it, this is just the life of a high school senior. I just have to remember, only a few weeks left until this semester, until I possibly find out where I'm going to university, until I can relax for the second semester of my senior year. There's just so much I have to do in these next couple weeks weighting down on me. I feel like I need just a few less things going on, and a few more things in my life that I actually enjoy. Which I can do as soon as I get a lot of the big things out of the way, like finishing my university applications. I'm just hoping so so much that I get into my first choice school, which I applied early to, so that I don't have to do any more applications after this one I'm doing right now, since the others are all due after I find out about the first one.

I'm just so thankful I don't need to be dealing with my ED and all the other issues on top of my crazy schedule right now. It would have been completely unmanageable, I don't know how I was possibly able to get on so well in school while dealing with that.

One of my close friends who I met in ED treatment, who is also in my class at my school, was put back into hospital on Monday. I'm really upset about that, because I thought that she had been doing really well, but apparently she wasn't being totally honest with me. I could tell something was up but didn't really think too much into it, and I'm so freaked out now because about a month ago we were hanging out and walking all over town etc, and she said she was fine to do those things, but apparently not. Her heart rate is completely shit right now, she's on total bedrest, not even allowed wheelchair, and has only been stable once or twice since being admitted. She won't be able to return to school this year, which totally sucks. I just really want her to be better, she's such an amazing person and is 150% deserving of an ED-free life. ED's are just unbelievably sneaky and manipulative, it's so hard.

It's especially hard seeing my close friends go through this again and again because I know exactly what it is like. It just sucks so much. Ugh. I wish I could just give everyone that's having a hard time my mental stability, show them what it's like, show them how worth it it is to go through the difficult recovery process. I'm so lucky, I made it through the first time, of course I had a few slip-ups and dire situations but for the most part my recovery was relatively smooth, like I got it right on the first try in my inpatient program, I've only been once unlike my friends who have been in and out of hospital/inpatient/outpatient/residental programs countless times.

Anyways, I need to stop writing about this and continue writing my university application essays, but I'll probably continue on this topic later (possibly even later today!). I've forgotten how much I like blogging!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy thanksgiving everybody, I hope you are all doing well and eating a bunch of delicious food like I just did!! :) I'm going to upload a bunch of pictures of my holiday with my family in a little bit, I just need to do a bit of work on university applications (have a few due on Saturday) first :s :)

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

School Break

Hello, I am now on break from school for the rest of the week, yay!! Yesterday was my last day of school. Today my mum and I drove up to my grandparents' house in the country for the thanksgiving break. This vacation is definitely much-needed, although I still must be diligent on my university applications and schoolwork, I have SO much to do.

I'm very happy to be with my grandparents now, I've spent so much time here throughout my whole childhood it really feels like a second home here. This is where I've always been able to totally relax and be happy, get a little break from everything and separate from my everyday life.

And I'm SO happy that it is thanksgiving! This will be my first thanksgiving totally ED-free in about 4 years, it is so awesome to have zero anxiety, only excitement about the big delicious meal tomorrow :)

I know thanksgiving can be a very stressful time for those of you still struggling with your ED, just try to remember that one meal will not be the end of the world, you CAN get through it. If you are not comfortable with totally overeating as most people do on thanksgiving (hehe), it is totally fine to just eat an average sized meal, but as long as you do eat enough and try to just enjoy the day, and enjoy the delicious food. If there is any day to eat food, thanksgiving really is that day, with all the delicious dishes prepared all day, it is just the best :)

And if anyone needs someone to talk to, I'm always here and will have access to my email/etc, so don't be afraid to shoot me a comment or email :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

Oh yeah, I have a blog?!

Hello!

I have this awful habit of forgetting I even have a blog for a very long period of time. I really wish I was better about this whole 'writing regularly' thing, and I think I was when I actually had a lot to write about. When I was in a really bad place this blog was such a good outlet to let everything out that I couldn't face sharing with the people in my life, as well as a way to connect with others going through the same things and forming friendships. However, now that I'm doing so well, I don't really have a need to write everything out anymore!! And therefore I go through these long periods of time forgetting this blog exists, hehe :)

Anyways, I guess for a quick update on my life: I've been SUPER busy lately! I'm a senior in High School right now, and at the moment I'm completely burried in my schoolwork on top of university applications. Craaaaazy. I submitted my first (and hopefully only if I get in) university application ten days ago on the 15th, I find out if I get in on December 15. Crossing my fingers!! I applied early decision to this school, it is my number one top absolutely best perfect school that I really really reallllly want to go to if you can't tell ;D

Mentally I've still been doing great. My moods/stress levels haven't been ideal the past few weeks, with all the stresses I've been under, and I've broken down a couple times but nothing out of an ordinary teenager issue. Anorexia hasn't even been an issue in a very very long time, and neither has depression. I haven't had anxiety in a long time either, until a couple days ago on Friday when I had kind of a strange day. I got super anxious after school and called my mum to talk to her because I couldn't just handle my emotions myself. I didn't feel safe at school, I was walking all over trying to find somewhere to sit and let the anxiety pass, but everywhere I went there were bad memories, mostly of E. That's one thing I'm looking forward too when I go to college, a fresh start where I don't accidentally walk into a certain place and get a full-blown panic attack from sudden memories flashback. Anyways, I called my mum, and when I heard her voice I just couldn't hold in the emotions I was feeling anymore and just started sobbing right there for the next half-hour or so. (People were looking at me, it was kinda awkward.) My mum called one of my close friends' mum and she came to pick me up from school and took me to their house where I spent the rest of the day/night until my mum came home from work (she had to stay late that day.) I was so grateful to them for being there for me when I just needed someone, I sat on their couch under a big fluffy blanket and talked to my friends (they're twins) and they made me hot chocolate, it was exactly what I needed. Having friends like that who are always there for you is the best. Later their mum made us macaroni and cheese, which was perfect comfort food, and we ended up watching SNL and Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition episodes (guilty pleasure??:))

Anyways, that's enough rambling for right now, it's getting quite late now and I need to sleep for school tomorrow. This week I only have two days of school, yay!! Hopefully I won't just forget I have a blog as soon as I publish this post again, but no promises, because I seem to say that every time I write an update post))) I'll also upload some pictures tomorrow of me and things I've been doing lately:)

How have you all been doing? Leave me a comment or shoot me an email or anything, I'd love to hear from you and I'll respond as soon as time allows (which may not be for a few days, I'm so busy at the moment :s). Hope you're all doing great!

As a final thought, I need to finally change my blog title and description again.. it doesn't quite apply anymore) maybe i'll get around to that in the next few days! But for now:


:)

xxx Anja

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

School was good!

I only have time for a quick update as I'm exhausted and overloaded right now, so proper sleep is essential. But I just wanted to let you all know I had an awesome time at school today :) I'm having some social issues but I'll write about that later, for now I just want to sleep more than anything. But I wasn't alone at school as I thought, I know I have one awesome friend that will stick by me who I hung out with all day :) the rest of my 'friends' i'm on uncertain terms with, but at least I have her! I love my classes so far, we'll see how I like my second set of classes tomorrow, goodnight x

Monday, August 19, 2013

School tomorrow ~.~

As the title says.. I start school tomorrow :( I'm actually looking forward to having stuff to do, though I'm a bit worried about the stress level, I'm taking on a lot this semester. The only other thing I'm worried about is social issues, they tend not to be my forte.. I'm having a few problems with my friends lately (the few I have) and I'm pretty much going into school with about 2 friends. It would be different if it was going to a new school/university, but I've been in the same classes with these people for my whole life so it's not like there's a whole crop of new people to make friends with, they already have preconceived ideas of me and I of them. At least I have lunch plans arranged with a friend, I won't be lonely, that's the absolute worst time to be alone at school. (in the movies when the outsider sits in the bathroom to eat lunch because they have no friends and don't want to look pathetic? I've done that. Except not in a bathroom, that's disgusting.) I'm hoping anyways that I'll meet new people that I like/who like me and aren't jerks/smokers/drinkers/bad influences/annoying/distracting. Wish me luck! (if only I could have a class with all of you, the bloggers I've met are so nice!).

In other news, I've gotten your comments and I'll respond to them as soon as I can tomorrow, today was just too hectic with preparation- mostly mental!

The market
As for my day, I spent the morning doing work (still haven't finished up summer work, but the class I need it done for isn't till tuesday, woohoo!). Then my mum and I went to the office store so I could pick up a couple new notebooks and packs of paper since I've totally run out of notebook space, and then we went to a bookstore in a neighboring town to pick up one more book I need for Tuesday. And there happened to be a farmer's market happening downtown where the bookstore is, so we picked up lunch there, it was such a nice afternoon- farmer's markets/street markets are the best!!
Some really nice beans there.

^^I convinced my mum to let me get raspberries, $5 for two baskets which is an AMAZING deal, and they only had three baskets left when I got there so they threw in the third one for free!!!!! How incredible is that? I've spent my whole afternoon snacking on raspberries!^^

After that I came home and did MORE work, and then got Pho for dinner with my mum. I ordered the small bowl (which, let me tell you, is DEFINITELY not small in any way), but they accidentally gave me a large, which would me more accurately named gargantuan. I thought there was no way I could finish but I actually ate the entire thing, LOL, I guess I was quite hungry. It's always been a life goal of mine to finish a large size bowl of Pho, so there goes a checkmark on the bucket list :) now that I think about it, why is it called a bucket list? anyone know? it sure is a strange phrase.

See spoon, chopsticks, and 8oz water glass next to bowl for size -.-

How the heck did I do that?
look how the bowl dwarfs the spoon, dude!!

Then we did some quick grocery shopping and came back home, I tried doing more work but then got distracted in getting in a HUGE argument with one of my close friends, second huge argument we've had within a couple weeks :( I won't get into it now, but maybe I'll post more about it later.

I should really be getting to sleep by now, I need to get up around 6:30 tomorrow, ick, and seeing as it's already 12:30 now.. hmm, maybe 6:30 won't quite happen. We'll see. Wish me luck for school!!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Current Music

Here's what I've been listening to lately:


Pompeii by Bastille, obsessed.

And I cannot get enough of One Republic's new album, here are my favorites:


Counting Stars


If I Lose Myself


Feel Again


I Lived

And how awesome is the Native cover art? It's just perfect overall. 

I'm also LOVING Sara Bareills's new album, here are my favourite of her new songs: 


Brave


I Choose You (love love love!)

So there's an overview of my current music obsessions :) haven't even included Imagine Dragons, Marina and the Diamonds, Eskimo Joe (love their newly released song on their fb page!!). 

Question time!

I thought I would do a 'question time' since I haven't been posting in so long! Feel free to ask me anything at all, whatever you want to know about me! Can be ED/recovery related or any other topic you're wondering about :) I'll answer all the questions (if I get any ;s) in a post.

I'm also wondering- who's reading my blog? I definitely don't have as many readers as when I was posting regularly, but I have a fair amount all over the world. So leave me a comment, let me know who you are and if you have a blog as well, I'd love to make friends with you!! 

Recovery

A few days back, one of my friends asked me: "How long did it take you to beat anorexia and how did you do it?"

At first I was baffled. How do I even go about answering that? Then when I started writing, I had so much to say I practically had to restrain myself from writing a novel. I thought I would post my response to her for you all to read as well:

It took well over a year with many months straight of daily therapy for basically the whole day, being supervised at every meal 6 meals a day every day for most of that year. It took going to the doctor at least once a week for many months, and making sure I ate enough between doctor visits to avoid being admitted to the hospital or having a heart attack or being sent to a residential facility in Nevada or Utah. And that's pretty much just the physical stuff; mentally, it took everything I had and then some. Therapy upon therapy upon therapy. And then the mental stuff outside of therapy- dealing with panic attacks every day, then slowly decreasing to a few a week, every few weeks, then they became a rarity. Completely turning upside down and inside out everything I believed about the world and about myself. It was hard, so so hard, and for months straight I just wanted to give up at every moment. And I fought it at that time too, pushing everyone away, refusing to comply with everybody, hiding behind tv's and couches and under pillows until they practically had to drag me out. But then I stopped resisting eventually, submitted myself to the fact that I had to do this. And then slowly started to put effort in. After hitting rock bottom, realizing that this was no way to live a life. Accepting that it would be a long- lifelong- and hard fight, but that it is possible and it is worth it. And then slowly, I started having little victories, started fighting my ed for those around me, finding reasons to keep going- so my family could stop paying so much for therapy, so they wouldn't have to see me in this state, etc. And then eventually I started fighting it for myself, because I started believing that I was worth it, worth being happy and having a good healthy life. It took a long time and a lot of work, honestly I'm still working sometimes, but eventually I got as close as I can be to 100%, and it was entirely worth every ounce of effort.

If anybody would like me to write more posts on recovery, about questions you have, things about myself, my story/recovery experience, personal issues you need help with, I am 100% here to answer anything, help you out, talk to you. I can write posts on any topic, and you can always email me at giraffesilhouette@gmail.com. Now that I'm on the other end of recovery, I really want to help people that are still struggling, because I know what it's like, I know how hard it is. So I'm here for you all <3

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Daily post

Hey! I know I said I would blog more often, I'm just SOO busy at the moment! School starts for me on Monday and I still have heaps of work to do. I just switched my schedule around a few days ago and now I suddenly have to read three books by the time class starts, I'm 1.5 of the way through. Probably not quite going to finish, but that's okay.

I'm actually really excited for my schedule this year. It will be a lot of work but I'll be interested in all of it. My schedule is: AP Comparative Government/Honors Economics, AP Calculus BC, AP Japanese 4, Architecture, Art, and AP English Literature. I'm also doing AP Computer Science independent study. And college apps as well. (ok typing it out now, what am I thinking with this class load??). And for those of you that don't know, AP stands for Advanced Placement, it's like a college course being taught in high school (you can get class credit for them when you go to college), they're like the equivalent of IB (International Baccalaureate) if you have those?

I'm having a little bit of difficulty going on with my friends right now, but besides that everything's going pretty good. I don't really feel like going into the friend issues at the moment. Maybe I will another day.

I have something else I've been wanting to post, I'll have that in a separate post after this :)


Whee, now that I have a laptop, I can take webcam pictures :) here's me, in my room, [late at night] :)


Today I just got up and read my books pretty much. I also watched a few episodes of a series I'm now 500% addicted to at the moment. It's an australian show called Dance Academy, about a group of people in the national academy of dance. I'm a total sucker for anything ballet-related, I'm also addicted to a show called Breaking Pointe which is a real-life documentary about the lives of members of Ballet West in Salt Lake City, Utah (in the US), except I can't watch 10 episodes in a row (yes, that happened with Dance Academy) because they're coming out weekly and I'm up to date. 

 

If anybody knows of any other good ballet movies/shows, fiction or nonfiction, let me know so I can indulge my ~guilty pleasure~ even more :P 

Hope you're doing well and enjoying the last of summer!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Long time, no write?

Hello! I tend to forget so often that I have a blog and not post for ages.. then I suddenly remember again and post loads. I'm actually surprised that I still get a good number of pageviews every day, who out there is actually checking on my blog even when I'm not updating? haha!

I'm actually doing EXTREMELY well, I'm going to have to change the title of my blog tomorrow (as for now it will be a short post before bed seeing as it's 2am.. I meant to go to sleep at 12!).

As for the news:

I graduated therapy yesterday!!

I have only one doctor's appointment left in two months' time where I will get declared healthy!!

I am finally free from anorexia and depression!


I told you I was doing well :) 

Anyways, I should really be getting to sleep now, I'll leave the post at that and save many details for tomorrow (and loads of pictures!). Leave a comment and let me know how you've been doing :)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Biking, Flying, and the Bean

I guess I'm going to go back to this 'posting daily' thing I haven't done in so long :)

Today I biked to a town about 6 miles away with one of my friends, we got frozen custard while there and talked about a bunch of things. We went to a bookstore as well and I got, how many books I have to go count them.. five! And let me tell you those were not easy to bike the six miles back with.

Then I just spent the rest of my day at home, I was watching the news on TV with my dad for over two hours when I came home because the airplane crash at SFO had just happened while I was getting frozen custard, and there was live news coverage of it all day. If you hadn't heard about it, a plane flying in to San Francisco from South Korea went out of control and crashed on the runway, the tail was broken off as it hit the barrier and the plane cartwheeled and skidded to a stop, only two were confirmed dead last I checked and most had gotten off of the plane to safety before it caught on fire. I haven't checked the stats recently. It was pretty scary though. I live just an hour south of San Francisco.

One of my best friends was actually boarding a plane at SFO to go to China right when the crash happened, when I heard about it I texted her right away making sure she was okay, thankfully they were fine (although they kept them on the plane waiting for almost 5 hours before they could go back and wait in the airport terminal -.-). I'm so thankful she's fine though, she was flying off from the same runway set that the plane crashed on and if things had happened at slightly different times then maybe they could have gotten hit.

I went to dinner with my dad, then we came home and booked everything for our trip next week to Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota and Chicago, Illinois. I'm extremely excited for it!! Although I'm nervous for my interviews at the colleges :s We're leaving on Wednesday, only a few days away, yay! And we're going to be staying in a hotel right by the Mall of America in Minn/StPaul, it's this insanely huge mall that has an amusement park inside it, my dad said that if you spent five minutes in every store in the mall, it would take you two days to visit them all (not sure if that's true, but WOW). And I'm so excited just to see the area, it seems like a really nice place and the school which I probably want to go to most (aside from those in Europe), Macalester, is in MSP. It will be awesome to take my tour/interview there. And Chicago will be amazing as well, all the architectural genius in that city, and I can't wait to see the Bean, if you don't know what it is here's a picture:



So awesome!

I haven't talked to anyone in the blog world in a while, leave me a comment and let me know what's been going on with you, I'd love to catch up! :)

I'm going to upload in another post my pictures from today, they're on my mobile but for some reason I can't access this post to edit from mobile, so I'll just make a separate post.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Blue Summer

For a while there, it's like I almost forgot I had a blog? I don't even remember the last time I posted! I've just been too busy, or too lazy, to post anything. And it's not like much eventful things have happened lately.

My summer hasn't been too great. Or I guess it's been okay.. I've been feeling extremely apathetic lately though. I've spent most mornings just lying on my bed or floor in the hot weather, not motivated to do a thing, not really caring. And my mental state hasn't been great. I've actually been doing better with depression, But I've had awful anxiety a lot of the time, and general apathy. I've had I think 3 panic attacks this week, fun stuff. I keep getting triggered remembering E (guy who sexually harassed me) by the tiniest things, and it sends my mind spiraling into anxiety and anger and helplessness. I've felt awful about that lately, and extremely alone. Without enough to occupy my mind it can wander and remember over and over and over what happened, and analyzing way too much, undoing all the therapy I had- I believe once again now about 90% that what happened was my fault. Shit shit shit I'm thinking about it now. New topic.

My eating hasn't been great either.. it's not like I'm intentionally restricting (or most of the time i'm not), but more that I just can't be bothered to arrange food for myself. My mum is in Canada right now, and she will be for another couple weeks. On one hand I've been having a great time living by myself, it can be really fun and empowering having total responsibility for cleaning the house/grocery shopping/feeding the cats/doing dishes/etc etc. But at the same time I'm getting a bit lonely and tired, and it can be hard having nobody to hold you accountable for anything. Being all alone. Nobody to talk to if I'm freaking out or having a hard day. I mean there's my friends of course who I've been with almost constantly, but the times when I'm home with nobody around and my friends all busy, it can be hard. And then there's stuff like this morning when I wake up and go out into the living room, and my cat had pooped right in the middle of the room, I was just like, what the fuck? why? And there's things I don't know, like what cleaning product to use on the floor to clean it up without ruining the wood? Ugh, okay this has probably been tmi about that situation for this blog post -.-

I was going insane this morning at home so I got on my bike and rode to the library, where I am now. I'm going to yoga at 4, which my grandpa is driving too, that will be awful. I'm really upset at my dad because he was going to drive me, but he decided he would rather go golfing instead of taking care of his daughter (he was originally going to golf in the morning and come back to take me to yoga in the afternoon). But he decided he wanted to golf all day, and ask my grandpa to drive from half an hour away to take me 15 min away to yoga, sit in the hot car for an hour, drive me back home and then drive home himself.. rude much? And plus it's not too safe driving with my grandpa, it actually terrifies me quite a bit, he is very old and really shouldn't be on the road anymore.

Next Thursday through Sunday I'm taking a trip across the country with my dad to visit colleges (another insanely huge stress factor right now I haven't even talked about), we're flying to Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota and then we're going to drive to Chicago, Illinois. We'll be visiting 3 schools for sure and maybe a few others on the way. I'm just crossing my fingers I'll be on good terms with him at that point.

I should probably be going now, I have some things to do before yoga- I have to call the colleges I'll be visiting to set up tours (and possibly interviews, eek!), and get something to eat. I hope you're all doing well!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Yay!

Lots of great news! I'm keeping this post short because I'm so exhausted, can't wait to fall into bed. Get ready for some bragging:

Yesterday I found out, I was accepted into a two week summer program at Stanford University (super prestigious uni in America if you haven't heard of it)!!!!! They only accept 40 students and you need to be recommended by a teacher (calculus teacher) to even apply. So I'm SUPER proud of myself and can't wait for it!! It'll be really rigorous but so fun, the program is an intensive course on computer programming. And we each get a macbook to keep :D (like, for the rest of our lives!). AND the program doesn't even cost anything. Sorry for all the bragging, but sometimes we each have the right to show off a bit when we worked really hard to get something great :)

Also, today the SAT scores came out today (really important national test in America) and I did really well, got a 2080 out of the 2400 scale. I'm really happy with my score and relieved that I did well, I think I will take it again in August to try and raise my score a bit, I would love to get into the 2100 or 2200 range (very high target, I know) but I won't overwork myself to get there, I'm already extremely proud of myself for how well I did. And if that's my best, well then that's okay!

I'm practically collapsing on my desk of exhaustion now, it's been such a hectic time. Only 9 days of school left though, YAY is all I can say. What a huge relief.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Handling negative body image

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DURING A BAD BODY IMAGE DAY:

1. Recognize that fat isn’t a feeling.

There are always underlying emotions that we attach to feeling fat. When the “I feel fat” thoughts start up, try to identify what you’re feeling underneath the body dissatisfaction. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Invisible? Scared? Ashamed? Inadequate? Whatever the feelings are recognize that they are separate from your body.

2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.

Because it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves in the moment when the body hating thoughts take over, try responding to your thoughts as if you were supporting a friend. What would you say to someone you loved who was battling your same struggle with body image?

You wouldn’t tell them to not eat for the day in order to compensate for what they ate the previous night. You wouldn’t tell them to punish themselves for their body size through over-exercise, self-harm, or abusive eating habits. You wouldn’t tell them they were worthless or unloveable because of their weight. So why do you tell yourself these things? Break the cycle and start treating yourself like a friend—you deserve that kindness and love from everyone, especially yourself.

3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body.

What you look like does not define you. It doesn’t discount your worth as a human being. You are so much more than a number on the scale. As a living, breathing, feeling human being you have inherent value. You are special and important and loved. You exist and therefore you matter.

Your appearance is such a small part of who you are, and it certainly doesn’t warrant enough power to discount the person you are inside. You aren’t your body or your weight—you are your goals and dreams and passions and values. You are your strengths and talents and insight. You are a soul and a spirit and a force of nature. Your body does not define you.

4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.

Make a list of all the people you look up to and are inspired by—not because of their weight or appearance, but because of who they are and what they do. Write out all the qualities they have that make you appreciate and value them.

Use the list as a reminder that it’s the internal things—our dreams and passions and goals and morals and insight and character—that truly define who we are and draw people to us; not how we look.

You are no exception to this. Try making your own list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with appearance or body size. If you have a difficult time creating one, ask some friends and family to help you.

5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.

I don’t want people to remember me for what I looked like, what size jeans I wore, or what I weighed. I want to be remembered for the person I am. I want to be remembered as someone who brought about positive change in the world. I want to be remembered as loving friend, partner, and family member. I want to be remembered for my passions and my creativity and my strength. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. What do you want your legacy to be? Chances are, it doesn’t have to do with weight.

6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do.

The human body is an incredible force. When we get caught up in the number on the scale and size of clothes however, we forget just how lucky we are to have a fully functioning vehicle to engage in life with. So stop hating your body for the way it looks and start acknowledging and appreciating your body for all that it allows you to do.

Make a list of each activity and feat your body helps you to partake in and accomplish. If you want to be even more specific, list out each body part and describe all the things you wouldn’t be able to do without it. Your body is strong, powerful, and beautiful, regardless of it’s size. Choose to treat it with love, compassion, and gratitude instead of hate and judgement.

7. Challenge your negative thoughts.

You may not be able to change the way you feel about your body today, tomorrow, or a month from now, but you can begin the process by challenging the thoughts in the moment. Write out a dialogue between your negative voice and a healthy voice. If you have a hard time coming up with positive counters to the negative thoughts, pretend that you are speaking positively about a friend or loved one.

Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it, because each time you argue with the thoughts, you are taking away some of their power and reclaiming your own. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them. The more you argue back, the easier fighting the voice will become.

8. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying the way we feel about our bodies. Holding in how we feel or engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It doesn’t make us feel better and it keeps us stuck.

Releasing the energy and painful emotions underlying our body shame requires us to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out.

9. Do self care.

When you’re struggling with body image, distract yourself with healthy coping mechanisms. Take a bubble bath, get a message, ask for a back scratch, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, get a manicure, listening to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something self-soothing and helps you get out of your head.

10. Be kind with yourself.

You may not be able to control the way you feel about your body, but you can control what you do in response to how you feel.

Instead of beating yourself up, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion. Instead of engaging in unhealthy and abusive behaviors, you can choose to do self-care. Instead of treating your body as an enemy, you can choose to treat it as a friend. Instead of isolating yourself, you can choose to reach out for support and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved and accepted. Instead of agreeing with the negative thoughts, you can choose to challenge them.

***You have more power than you think—don’t let the way you feel about your body keep you from living.

Coping with bad body image days may not be easy, but it is possible.

Don’t give up.

You aren’t alone.

Things can and will get better.



From http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/26458379054

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

fuckkkkkk

Ok sorry for the swearing. BUT I'M JUST FREAKING OUT A BIT. I just found out I have only 18 days left to finish my entire history coursework. And I still have 4.5 units to go (less than halfway). FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm screwed. I'm not screwed, I just need to WORK EXTREMELY DILIGENTLY and not spend a second doing anything else, UGH. Freaking out freaking out freaking out. My mum is going to have SUCHHHH a mouthful to give me when she gets home, which won't help the situation one bit. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. STRESS. Time to hit the books and try to finish a unit and a half before mum gets home so I can at least say I'm halfway done with the class (won't make the situation any better????? :/). 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Music

My current music..







All absolute perfection. And now for the weird:



Bizarre but what can I say, I love them :)

Life Lessons from Yoga

I just did an amazing yoga flow, and something the teacher said during it really struck a chord with me. It's amazing how so many aspects in yoga can be applied to life as well. The teacher said when going into child's pose after a headstand:

"...releasing of the shoulders that are doing an incredible amount of work, they're not used to supporting the weight of the body, even though they are quite capable of doing so for extended amounts of time. But having patience more than anything with our practice and the progression of our poses, especially ones that require us to take on new perspectives, to flip the way that we see things, the way that we interact with the world. Using now our upper parts to be our lower parts, our lower parts to be our upper parts. Having the same confidence that we have when we stand on our feet when we stand in our hands, when we stand in our forearms."

I see this as very relevant in eating disorder recovery. We are required to suddenly shift our perspectives of everything in our lives. That which we thought was necessary is in actuality bringing us towards death, and that which is unthinkable is what will save us and make everything alright. Beginning to eat or feeling happiness again, or any shift in mindset for that matter, and trusting that it is okay is like going into an inversion in yoga, being supported by a limb that isn't strong or isn't used often. However, when we practice it regularly, we build up strength in that limb, until eventually we can be fully supported in that position and know that we can trust ourselves and our bodies. We just need to make that transition, realize that the flip in perspective is okay. Trusting in ourselves and others that it will be okay. 

I hope any of that made sense to you? I feel like it made so much sense in my head especially during the flow, but now typing it out it's harder to be eloquent. But hopefully you got the idea. 

(This is the flow which I got the quote from, a very great one, would recommend.)

10 Phases of ED Recovery

Got this from Izzy's blog, I thought it was a very accurate post and that I would share it with you as well.. I remember being at every one of these steps through my recovery, and they're all extremely difficult in their own way. But eventually, if you keep working at it, you'll get to 10!


8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

I think the most difficult for me was probably 4, when I realized I was dying and hurting not only myself but everybody around me. Causing so much money to be spent, taking up their mental capacity and time, them being worried about me constantly (my parents). But I didn't want to do anything different, I didn't know how, I was comfortable in my behaviours, and I was just starting to realise how trapped I really was. 

7 was a very difficult step as well, since I was doing everything I needed to be doing physically but mentally I remained unchanged. And I felt like an absolute failure for not doing what my thoughts were telling me to. Like my inner sickness didn't match my outer appearance of recovery. 

I'm sure I could find a post from my blog from every single stage of this outline :) I won't do that of course, that would take too much time and I need to be studying! But maybe eventually I'll do that? :)

Which of these steps are you at? Which have you found most difficult?

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mindset Shift

Sometimes I can have good days just by being in the right mindset, like maybe bad things happen or nothing happens at all and yet I'm just in the right mindset to take everything as it comes and not let it bother me. But then once I let this mindset down, as it can get tiring to think like that (takes a lot of effort to be positive!) everything comes crushing down and I remember all the bad. And I'm in negative mindset once again.

I have days like this where I feel positive and good every once in a while, not often though- today's one of those rare days. It's a very nice feeling. But then at the same time it's almost uncomfortable because I'm not used to it, I'm just used to being numb and depressed and shy. So feeling confident and good and able to handle everything is really strange. And it doesn't last anyways.



Not too sure where I'm going with this post?

Anyways, I see my ED doctor this afternoon, ick. I hope it goes well. There's no reason it shouldn't, I haven't given doctors appointments a second thought lately? If it doesn't go well I'll probably just refuse to come back anyway because I honestly don't need them anymore. I'm living my life without my ED in the picture. Yes it crops up at times, but I'm always able to manage it and get it back out. I want to just never go back to those stupid doctors, so many bad memories and they're so bitchy a lot of the time (excuse my language)!! And so suspicious all the time. ugh. The one thing I'm somewhat worried about is my scars from last week, but hopefully she won't notice, and if she does I'll probably just brush it off. Tell the truth, that it was just a minor slip-up and I got through it, there's no reason to worry about it. I realised that it didn't help at all, just made things worse if anything. I think if I tell her that she won't make a big deal of it.

Well I'm off to get a bagel now as usual and probably do a bit of painting downtown, hope you're all having good days. Wish me luck in my doctor appointment :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Lazy day of attempts at studying

My day is pretty much explained by the title! Been trying to apply myself to studying today, but my focus isn't at it's best. So most of the day has been spent listening to music and watching Gilmore Girls episodes (easily my absolute favourite series of all time, I just started watching it ALL again from the beginning :)).



I just love this show so much, if you've never watched it I would HIGHLY recommend it. It's the show of my preteen years, the one I would watch every single day when it came on :') It makes me SO happy. 

Well there hasn't really been any point to this post.. tell me about your day, as I'm sure it has been more interesting than mine! :)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Summer feeling

Today I woke up at 12, haha! It was a long week and much-deserved sleep in. I then met my friend at 1 in town where I got a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast/lunch, and then we rode our bikes through the park to a neighboring town about half an hour away by bike. We spent some time there at a really great bookstore and then we went to get frozen yogurt, perfect after a super hot bike ride. It's definitely feeling like summer. I had a frozen custard with strawberries, which is pretty much the best thing ever, 100000/10 would recommend. Then we did the bike ride home by the end of which we were exhausted. I went home, and got ready to go out for dinner with my mum and dad for mother's day (yea, it's tomorrow, but whatever). That was pretty nice, although my dad is so stressful to be around I don't usually enjoy his company.

To go along with that summer feeling, of course I'm sporting a bright red sunburn on my forearms/hands now, the joy of having pale skin, towards the beginning of summer I ALWAYS forget to put on sunscreen and learn my lesson the hard way when I remember how easily I burn -.- At least it's not too painful, or at least not yet, we'll see how it is tomorrow. Not making that mistake again!


My delicious frozen custard ^



My friend's frozen yogurt ^

Friday, May 10, 2013

New header!!

I've finally made that new header I've been talking about doing for so long!! Now I just need to think of a new title for my blog.. as I'm no longer really "breaking free" from anorexia? :) It's kind of sad changing the title at the same time though, I'm so used to the current one, I've had the blog for over a year now I think? But anyways, I really like how the new header turned out, still a few edits I want to make to it but for now it'll do until I find more time to work on it :) I'm also not entirely happy with the current theme. Maybe I'll set aside some time tomorrow to work on blog makeover tweaks!

Now I'm off to bed after an exhausting week, tomorrow my plan is to bike across town to the bagel shop in the morning for breakfast and then spend my day out of the house, not just sitting on my butt in front of the computer ;) goodnight!

10 May

Hello!

Graduation is exactly four weeks from today. It's almost summer. Just one more final push to the end.

Today was pretty uneventful.. I went to classes. I had lunch. I listened sadly while everybody made their prom plans (just keep reminding myself, I have next year. and maybe even a boyfriend by then?? ;)). Now I'm in the library until my friends are done with classes. I'm thinking of going into town to get a snack if I have enough money because I really don't feel like doing anything productive at the moment, still recovering from my last couple weeks of insane studying. Crossing my fingers that I have a few dollars.. because even though I ate my entire lunch today (yay! kicking this little relapse asap!!), I'm still STARVING right now, probably because yesterday my eating was all weird.. I cooked myself pasta for dinner around 4 and then had a bagpipe band rehearsal from 6:30 to 9:30, my usual dinnertime. And when I went home I was super hungry but nothing looked good to me so I didn't end up having much. So now I'm so so so so SOO hungry. Maybe I'll get a bit of frozen yogurt, that sounds good!

Tonight I'm planning on going to dinner with my mum and then heading to the ice rink for a couple of hours (FINALLY). I want to go shopping, need some more summer clothes now that it's warm weather (I NEED this amazing dress, only $10!!!!), but with the current state of my wrists and legs, I'm not so sure that's a good idea to do today. SO regretting that. And I just found out that I have a doctor appointment on monday with my ED doctor, crappppppppp, there will be questions and I'm not too excited for that, it was just a little blip and it won't happen again (or not regularly, I'm not going back down that path. As I said, I'm kicking this backtracking before it gets serious.) So hopefully that goes well :/

As a final little remark, I just have to say, there are some seriously strange people that come to the library, LOL. I feel very uncomfortable a lot of the time surrounded by people talking to themselves or waving their arms around strangely....... -.-

Hope you're all having good days, happy to say that this is a relatively good one compared to my recent days :)

Thank You

I'm sorry I hardly ever comment on anybody's blogs any more. I'm dealing with so much in my life right now that I just haven't had the bandwidth to read/comment on others at the moment (I've hardly updated my own blog as it is??). And especially with giving advice and such, when I'm in a hard place myself it can just be too much to attempt helping out somebody else in a hard time, like I need to put all my energy into keeping myself together. I hope that makes sense.

But I also wanted to say a big thank you to some of my readers, a lot of you always give me so much support and although I haven't responded to comments lately I want you to know that I appreciate them so much and it really does help me out quite a lot. I want to give an especially big thank you to CJ who always gives me such supportive comments, I know I hardly respond or check up on your blog and I'm really sorry about that but please know that I appreciate you so much and wish I could give you as much support as you've given me <3

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Anger

Lately I've had these extremely strange swells of violently angry emotion. Like I'll be walking across campus and see the guy who did stuff to me last year, and want to just run over and start hitting him with my books, to hurt him like he hurt me. (I talked about that in this post.) And today it kind of happened again. Not with him specifically, but I was sitting in english class and it was like this huge swell of anger came up in me and I had to do something, I just wanted to throw my desk across the room and find all the people who have hurt me and hurt them. Destroy something. Rip papers from the walls. Lose control.

That sounds so awful. Maybe I shouldn't even post this. I'm not like this, this isn't me. I'm not a violent person. I can't even kill a fly or an ant, if I accidentally step on a bug I spend the rest of the day in horror. I don't know why these thoughts are here. But they're scaring me. It's not me. I've never been like this before. I don't like it. I want it to go away. I'm just hoping I never actually do lose control. I don't want to be sent to the psych ward. I don't want people to think I'm crazy.

What's wrong with me, I need to keep myself together, I'm falling apart here.

Breaking point.

I'm not doing well.

Last night I ended up cutting myself really badly. I haven't hurt myself in months. It was awful. Now I just keep repeating, what was I thinking, what was I thinking? And triggered by a stupid prom drama?? But I've realised, that's not the only thing, not the only reason I'm being so affected. I've been having such a hard time lately but it's been all kept inside, my mind has been spinning downwards and everything is just not good. But I can't put it into words anymore, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know what's bothering me. I don't know anything. I just know that I'm pretty messed up.

Therapy doesn't help anymore. I hate therapy. I go, we have some pleasant conversation about what I've been up to, she asks how I've been feeling, I try to tell her, and we both kind of give up. I've reduced therapy to every 2 weeks, probably not the best idea with panic attacks and hurting myself left and right. But whatever. It doesn't even help. This time I'm going 3 weeks without therapy because of schedule conflicts. Perfect timing.

Anyways, I think I've had so much going on in my head that I couldn't express, I've felt so awful but it's like that's just how it is. Nobody really wants to help or cares enough to try. (I know that's not true. I know they want to help. But they just don't know how.) And all of that emotion and despair culminated in last night, with the prom stuff, when I hit breaking point and just had to do something. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could wear shorts and short sleeves right now, since summer weather has just hit, but I can't do that for probably a week or more now until the scars fade (they're pretty bad). And I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. With all the prom excitement and graduation coming up and pushing towards the end of the year, it feels like I'm growing more seperate from my friends. Or, that's just in my head, we're still really close of course but I feel like I can't be bothering them or something. Completely ridiculous, I know that's not true. I can't really talk to my therapist or my counsellor at school. I don't want to worry my mum. I don't want to trigger my friends who are dealing with the same things.

My eating disorder is taking a grip in my mind again, or trying really hard to.  I didn't have lunch today. I haven't been having lunch recently. Or I've had some, but not much. It's not so much of intentional restriction, it's just like one of those automatic motions I'd gotten rid of- I'm stressed out, feeling not good enough, ugly, different, like a failure, so therefore I automatically don't eat lunch. But I'm about to walk into town to get myself a bagel to eat since I'm pretty dizzy and I know I need to kick this tiny tiny tiny tiiiiiny relapse before it gets stronger. I hate to say that. I'm not relapsing. I'm not relapsing. I'm not. I never thought I would relapse. I refuse to believe that I am. Maybe I'm just having a little blip. THIS IS NOT A RELAPSE. The thought that this possibly is scares me to death. I'm not going to relapse.

I think what's upsetting me a lot about this whole prom situation is that the feeling reminds me of what happened last year. My "best friend" (I hate hate hate to say that) who was sexually harassing me got a girlfriend, and things got messy, you've probably heard me write about it. (Here's the post where I first talked about it.) I know it's a totally different situation than that, but the same emotions of me not being good enough, of him choosing another girl over me even though he and I are closer. The conflicts of being best friends but maybe something more. It's painful for me just to think about this, revisiting those emotions, feeling things again that I tried so hard not to feel. Relationships are too complicated. I want a guy to choose me, not some other girl. I want to be in a relationship. But at the same time I don't. I'm terrified to. I'm terrified they will just take advantage of me.

Ugh, I'm done writing about that, I don't want to think about it any more.

I just feel like sleeping.

Hope you're all doing better than I am.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

An hour later

I'm feeling better about the whole situation now. Still sad of course.. but okay. I'm happy for my friend. I'm happy again that I did well on my exam. I'm happy that now I can allow myself to relax, spend the first day in a long time not having to study for something.

I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced, and I have a crazy idea of doing it today? But I don't know.. seems a bit impulsive.? And the main reason, I'm really scared!!!!!! So I'll definitely let you know if that happens :) and I'm going to try to get to the ice rink to do some skating tonight, I was going on sunday afternoon but then my mum and I were busy focusing on work and decided to go at nighttime instead, and then found out later that there wasn't night skating that day :/ okay, well I just checked to make sure there was skating tonight but it's only till 5, so maybe I'll make it tomorrow night if I can't today? wait darn I have bagpipe rehearsal tomorrow, maybe friday then :/ thinking out loud here haha! Anyhow I'll definitely be trying to get to the ice rink asap!

By the looks of today I'll probably just end up sitting in bed watching series all day! Not too bad of a way to spend time either :)

How are you all doing? Tell me about your day, I feel like hearing about somebody else's life besides my own, mine tends to be either extremely boring or extremely dramatic

Lead Heart

I felt so good after the calculus ap test, I think I did really well on it. Such a relief. But then my friend and I walk over to lunch and see him in a suit, she runs over to him and asked how it went, he smiles and says that she said yes. I’m confused and then I remember, prom, fucking prom. And then my heart feels like lead and all my happiness from the test rushes away. He asked someone else today. He didn’t ask me. Why didn’t he ask me. He should have. I guess I’m not even good enough for my best friend of 7 years. Now I can hardly keep from crying.

(text post copied directly from my tumblr, I'm too lazy and upset to actually write another post for this blog)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

A strange morning.

Hello, I have had quite a strange day so far, and it isn't even 1pm yet! I'm EXTREMELY stressed at the moment, as I have a physics final tomorrow, SAT on Saturday, and the Calculus AP test on Wednesday. Funnnnn. So my entire life right now is hauling around books, studying every spare moment, stressing out, stressing out some more, and not sleeping because I'm too stressed. I just have to make it through the next 6 days, and I'm done. Exactly 6 days from this moment I'll be just getting out of my calculus AP, and will be able to breathe a sigh of relief, but until then it's time for relentless studying, my books are like an attachment to my arm.

So anyways, this morning after having terrible sleep last night, I woke up feeling truly awful. I didn't want to go to school, but I knew it would be for the best if I just went and sat my few hours of classes. So I got up, got ready to go, I was already running quite late and knew I wouldn't make it to my first class on time. When I finally got to school a few minutes after the first class started, I decided, I still felt awful and wasn't up to class at that moment, and I should really just go talk to Darin, my counsellor/therapist person at school. I went into her office and to my alarm the guy who sexually harrassed me last year was sitting there. I told Darin I wanted to talk to her, she had a few people to talk to before me and I could either wait there or go to class. I wanted to just wait, not feeling up to class, but then I looked around and the ONLY empty seats were on either side of the guy. I was already on edge about just being in the room with him (he is in that class we were both missing also, to make it an even BETTER situation, we would see eachother either way, it's like there's no escaping him). There was no fucking way I was going to sit next to him, NOT an option. I considered just standing there awkwardly when there were clearly seats there, and did for a few minutes, but then I just couldn't stand the situation and told the secretary that I was just going to go to class after all. And it was so awkward since he knew exactly what was going on as well, and just UGH no no no no no. I got the pass from the secretary and left the room, and then went to my locker to pick up my books for Japanese class, and when walking through the hallways I just went into full panic attack. It was afwul. I started running on the way to my locker because I couldn't stand everything, I needed to get out, get somewhere, run run run, get away from myself. And when I finally got to my locker I sat down in the hallway leaning against my locker (or more like curled up on the floor) and tried to deal with all the panic the best I could, I was breathing really fast and trying not to start sobbing right there. I sat there in the hallway for about 10-15 minutes while I was supposed to be in class, during which an English class from my grade walked past me, SUPER awkward because so many people I know were in that class and saw me like that. Finally after the panic subsided for the most part, I went back to the office and said I wouldn't be going to the class after all. Thankfully the guy was in his appointment by then, and I had to wait about 45 mins until I could see Darin.

I was looking forward to talking to her and getting out all the stuff on my crazy mind. But when I went in there, I talked a bit and then she basically talked for the WHOLE rest of the time, I could hardly fit a word in on my part, and that pissed me off a ton. I didn't even end up talking about my panic attack just an hour before or anything, what the hell! Talking to her did absolutely NOTHING at all to help, if anything it made me feel even worse because I don't really have the connection with her I used to, she annoys me now because of things like this and I don't think she ever helps much anymore when I see her (very seldom at the moment). And before I always felt like there was this person I could go talk to if I needed, now there's not. Then it was the half hour study period which sucked as well. I was still full of anxiety, and looked forward to seeing my friends because they're always so helpful but today I was just being so annoyed by them. And they didn't even really listen to me when I was trying to talk. I left multiple times, once to see my english teacher about some extra assignments, and a couple times just to see if I could find anyone else to hang out with/talk to that wasn't annoying, but of course I don't have any other friends, my other one is at her eating disorder treatment program every other day so she wasn't at school today. So I just ended up going back to them. And meanwhile, anxiety was rising up and up once again, just like in the morning, I was just holding myself back from another panic attack the entire time. And I had this huge anger well up in me also, I saw the guy again walking across the school and I had a really strong urge to go and start hitting him with my books and swearing and telling him everything I think of him and how much he screwed me up. I wanted to hurt him, badly. Hurt him like he hurt me. I usually do get really upset/anxious/mad when I see him, but not like this. I resisted though and didn't do anything.

And I couldn't talk to my friends about any of this because they were being annoyingly self-absorbed and not really caring about me much.

So overall it was an awful morning. Calculus class calmed me down a lot. We spend the end of the period doing fast oral practice, where the teacher was basically saying problems out loud one after the other and we had to write them down and solve them as we went. It was super intense and exhausting, actually like a workout for the brain, like the same feeling mentally as it would be physically running a 1 mile race or something. That was really nice just getting in the zone, not having room to think about ANY anxiety or anything else besides just maths. And since that my day has been more normal, I had lunch with my friends and helped them study for their English test and now I'm stopping in the library to type this before I go to get the rest of my lunch from a bagel shop in town since we were out of bread this morning, and then I'm back to school to meet up with my friends after their class and we'll probably study together this afternoon. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them more about my day then. Get it out somehow. Because I'm still not quite right.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Running

So I had a bit of a breakthrough today. I've always told myself and everyone else, 'I love running! It's my favourite exercise! It feels so amazing!'. Today I went running for the first time in a year now that I'm fully approved for exercise by my doctors, and I finally realised.. I actually HATE running. And that is OKAY. I always thought I had to love running and push myself to be really good at it, because it's so 'healthy'. But it is by far not the only way to get healthy exercise, there are so many other things that I do that are 'exercise' but I really just think of as fun and relaxing, like biking or ice skating. I don't have to force myself to run. I hate running, and that is 100% okay! Time to put my running shoes away again, maybe for good ;)

(Copied this post and photo exactly from my Instagram just FYI)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Not doing well.

Sorry for not posting very much again, I feel like this is how I start most posts nowadays? Things aren't really going great right now. I don't feel like getting into details at the moment because I'm exhausted and am on my way to bed, but basically I've been extremely down and had super high anxiety levels (which you would probably know if you follow my instagram or tumblr, actually had panic attacks on this friday two days ago and the one before that.) I've been detaching emotionally again and dissociating quite a lot, and cutting myself off from everything/everyone to some extent. I actually cut last friday when I had the panic attack. Ana's voices have begun to trick their way back into my mind once again, and I'm trying my hardest not to relapse and listen to them, and succeeding for the most part, but it's still so hard to resist sometimes. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse. I can't relapse.

Meanwhile, I've reduced doctor visits to every 6 weeks and therapy to every 2 weeks. I'm lying to everybody (or all the therapists/doctors/my parents a lot of the time) that I'm doing great and they have no reason to be worried. At least I'm mostly honest with my friends, except that they all have a lot on their plates and are stressed enough, often tell me about how hard things are going for them right now. I don't quite need to add to their stress, but I still open up to them. There's been a lot of stress and some tension between my friends as well, which I'm often pulled in the middle of. School is insane at the moment, and all of my friends will be graduating in 6 weeks and going off to universities far from here, while I remain for my last year of high school with nobody left that I actually like or can open up to.

I'll try to write more soon. Sorry for being so depressive.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Who reads my blog?

I was just wondering, who reads my blog? My stats say I get maybe 30-60 pageviews everyday (okay, used to be maybe a couple hundred when I would actually post consistently -.-). But anybody who still reads, who are you? I'm just really curious, I want to know who in the world would be interested in reading about my uneventful life?? Comment below, and introduce yourself to me, I would love to get to know more of you :)

Done!

Hi! I've just finished with school, and we have our week-long spring break next week :) we still have school tomorrow, but it's my two easiest classes and we probably won't even be doing anything.. especially since it's spirit week and the rally is tomorrow, those days are never productive when everybody's full to the brim with pepp and energy and wearing crazy outfits. (I'm not one of those people.)

Now that I'm done with my Japanese presentation and section 4/4 of my mock AP Calculus exam, I feel like I can finally relax and give myself a break!

I'm sitting in the library now for a boring 1.5 hour while my friends are at their last class of the day, I debated walking home but I would rather just wait here and see them after school and drive home with my friend. I tried to find a fun lesson to go sit in on during this period but nobody has anything interesting for this class -.- it's all physics, calculus, english.. no French or Art classes right now :/

What to do, what to do.. I don't know what to do with myself besides studying lately. I've finished all my work due tomorrow. And I left all my huge study books at home on purpose so I could give myself a break from that, not force myself into overstudying when I have a whole week of no classes when I can study and take as many practice tests as I want. (I sound like a really fun person right now?).

I'm not entirely sure of my plans for tonight, I may go to a town about half an hour away with a friend and spend the afternoon/evening there, he wants to go to this music store so we can try out some pieces to play for a competition coming up. I have a bagpipe rehearsal tonight also, but I'm not sure if I'll go, I don't really feel like it haha :) I really want to go ice skating tonight, every thursday is student discount night, but I probably won't be able to go unless I skip bagpipes and convince a friend to come and drive me there since I doubt my parents would want to take me, heh. Most likely things that will happen tonight is we stay in my town, do homework at starbucks, eat thai food for dinner, and then go to bagpipes as always :) I'll see if I can convince my friend to do something more interesting though since this is what happens practically every day!

Haven't heard from anybody in a while, how are you all doing? (well I guess you haven't heard from me either!). Hope everybody's doing well :)