Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Unwelcomed 'positive energy'

Today I've been filled with all this positive energy, and I'm completely not myself. I hate it, the balance of my meds is very off right now and it's having bad effects, I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday and I'm going to switch to something else because what I'm taking right now is simply not working right.

I've been SO much more down than usual, and suicidal thoughts have been increasing to sometimes even a couple times a day, I'm entirely unmotivated to do anything at all. Not myself at all. I've just felt so crazy lately.

And of course when meds are unbalanced, there are the random spikes/dips in mood, i.e. today. It's just annoying. I mean of course it can be nice having high energy, feeling good, I even talked to people in my classes a bit, people I've never even talked to really (uhm whatttt?). But it's not fun when it's because the chemicals in your mind are screwing you up, causing you to have this random day and knowing that at any minute you can flip to something completely unexpected, wanting to throw yourself off a cliff or maybe flipping out at everybody around you, maybe wanting to go cry in a corner by yourself for the rest of the day, or impulsively wanting to go to a party and losing all control. I just never know what to expect out of myself when I'm like this. And I hate it.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

Music

I've been so bad about regularly updating my blog lately, I'm sorry I just haven't had the energy or drive for doing much of anything lately to be honest. I'll try to update more often.

These are a couple of my favourites to listen to at the moment:




I know, they're both pretty dark heavy songs, but they kind of go along with how I've been feeling, and I love how it feels like the heavy bass is just absorbing you or something (okay that sounds weird? maybe you know what I mean?).

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Challenge Time

I'm about to leave with my dad to go to lunch and shopping.. Aka, major challenge time!! (1) agoraphobia- my dad is not one of my "safe people" to go places with, and going to a restaurant plus a shopping centrum?? Erm... (2) anorexia- lets see how much progress I've really made, going to lunch somewhere I don't know and then going shopping (eek!) immediately afterward while having all my other anxiety. Hopefully I'll handle it well.

Wish me luck, I'll let you know how it turns out later!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Rain

I am SO happy that right now it's raining! We have seriously not had enough rain for my fancy this winter, I love the rain a lot. Or even just clouds. It's somehow comforting to me. I just love it.

I'm just at the library right now as always, tired as always, anxious as always. And as usual, putting off doing my homework.

I'm such an anxious mess.. I can hardly touch the keyboard I'm typing on right now because I know that other people have used it. And it feels slightly dirty, like how library keyboards are. I just want to soak my hands in an entire vat of hand sanitizer or something. And the same with the chair I'm sitting on.. I don't usually have issues with the chairs in addition to everything else. But today, all the chairs I've sat in, has just been so hard to make myself do it and not freak out over how many other people may have sat in it, what germs and such it might have. I'm making myself think way too hard about this now.. And I can hardly stand typing on this (not even that disgusting) keyboard. Overthinking overthinking overthinking overthinking. Part of me wants to just leave the computer, go sit in a safe chair, and continue blogging from my iPhone. But that's a lot harder to type on, and it would be just giving up. I need to fight all these irrational anxieties. Even if my fingers are cramping up from my strange typing as I'm trying to touch the keyboard as little as possible.

I don't think I have too much work to do today, just a little studying. I'm planning on a nice easy afternoon. Doing a bit of work here at the library (probably will only end up doing french, which isn't even in my coursework, heh.) Which reminds me about this incredible film I watched yesterday, I'll post it here:



It's so amazing :)Watch it if you have time!

And also, I've been meaning to talk about the state of my blog.. I've been working on my new header the past few days, hopefully I'll finish it up this afternoon. And also I just realised, I seriously need to update my About Me page, because it is almost a year old, and my life is almost 360 degrees different now than it was when I wrote that page. Everything has changed. Plus the pictures are really old, heh! So I will update that as soon as I can. Also, my Reasons to Recover page hasn't been updated since I created it, and it's a very meager little page! I'm thinking of changing it into Reasons I Recovered, kind of as an inspiration to people that are having trouble with motivation in recovery and also if I ever start relapsing again, as something I can read over and realize why it's not worth it. And also on that page just talking a little about what life is like when you're recovered vs sick, how everything has changed now without anorexia running my life.

That's all for now, I guess! I'm at the library for another hour and then I'll be meeting my friends back at school and eventually heading home, then I'll do some art and watch a couple series, and at 7 tonight I have bagpipe band rehearsal. I'll get home around 9:30, and I'm hoping to get to bed early around 10.

Hope you're all doing well, what are you up to today? :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

-

I don't really know what to write. I'm not all that sure how I feel. Just really really bad. I've felt so terrible lately, and I don't even know what about. There's no reason I should be feeling like this. Whenever I talk to my therapist, we go through everything in my life, and simply can't find a reason why I feel so terrible and anxious all the time.

Agoraphobia is awful today, all I want to do is run and hide somewhere, I'm practically shaking here in the library. I want to hide. But I have nowhere to go.

On the walk from school to the library, as I was leaving campus when I heard the bell for classes starting I completely randomly burst into tears. I don't know WHAT that was about. I was trembling with anxiety at that point, being outside without even any clouds or anything in the sky. Clouds help, I feel so much more calm when it's cloudy, like I'm not in this big huge open space. Agoraphobia is just so weird, usch. Anyways, I think it was also just how terribly alone I've been feeling. I mean, I'm definitely not alone, I have two of the most amazing best friends that I'm with constantly, I have my mum, my therapist. Many other friends that love and support me. But I still just feel so alone.

I've been missing my recovery program a ton, I think that's also part of it. I mean, that sounds kind of weird. I don't miss recovery, it sucked, it was so hard. And having therapy groups for hours and hours every day, all those insanely difficult meals, people just bursting into tears at the table. All the hard things we were dealing with in our heads coming out. I don't really miss all that really hard stuff. But I miss the people SO much. My friends I made in recovery are some of the most incredible people I've ever met. We still talk a lot of course, but I miss spending so much time with them. Friends from recovery are different from other friends. You know every little detail about each other, everybody's most secret thoughts that they don't tell anybody besides you. With them you all understand each other completely, you've gone through the same thing. You just get so close. I mean, after my very first day there, I remember feeling like I knew the people I had met and they knew me better than people that I'd known for years. That's what I miss. And the staff. They're the most amazing, supportive, loving people. They helped me so much, some of them are just like family to me. The house manager was really more like the 'house mum,' that's what we all called her. I remember this one time, some random person came to the back of the house from the driveway, and me and my friends were sitting at the table in the backyard, getting some sun between groups. And this guy says there's a leak in our sprinkler, we of course freak out because we're not used to random people wandering back there. So we said, "we'll be right back, we're going to go get our mum." :) Just good times like that. How support is there for you wherever you turn. You can be entirely honest about everything.

That's what I miss.

Well that post kind of rambled on for a long time. I really need to go get some work done at the moment, but maybe I'll post more later once I get some stuff finished!

And by the way, I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments or commented on others' posts recently, I know some are going through some hard times and I really wish I could be of more help. But I just haven't the time or energy to comment lately. But know that I'm reading your blogs, and I'm sending good thoughts your way, you're strong and you can get through the difficulties! 

Also, I recently got a kik so that I could message with people I've met over the internet (as it's not the best idea to just give out your phone number, heh!). So I don't know if anybody would want to, but if anyone wants to talk to me, you can kik me at watercolorelephant (same as my instagram name). :)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Quick Update

Hello! I decided to only do a quick update right now while in the library, since I care about telling you all every detail of my somewhat-boring life.. okay, I'm really just putting off my American History coursework -.-

Coming back to school this monday morning was of course (as always) not too awesome. And having to do all this work, while I feel like there are so many other more productive ways to spend my time. Sometimes it just feels like I'm not really doing anything in the world. Like I need to be out exploring, seeing things, helping people that haven't had the same opportunities that I've had. But of course I suppose that comes later in life. I need to sit through my education right now, and prepare for all of that. but still, if only my classes were a BIT more intriguing? I wish I could take classes I really WANT to take. Sometimes at the library instead of doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, I get some other random textbook and do work from that instead. I've been working quite a bit out of the Level 5 French textbook lately. Now, if only I could do my US History coursework in french? That would be pretty fun :D I doubt they would make a US History textbook in french though, heh!

Okay, enough putting off the extremellyyyyy boring work. Time to just do it!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Blog design change

I'm thinking about changing my blog theme. I've been thinking about it for quite a while, and now I finally think I just have to do it, I'm getting quite sick of how it currently looks, because my life is SO different now from when I started blogging almost a year ago. And I want my blog to reflect that. I mean everything in my blog cover photo is SO so so old. As soon as I get some spare time, I'm going to make a new cover picture and change up the theme a bit :) Thinking of maybe even changing the title of my blog, since I feel like I'm not exactly "Breaking Free" from anorexia anymore.. Now it's more towards "Free From Anorexia"! I'm just so proud to say that :) But one thing at a time, right? I'll change up my theme and then think towards a title change! What do you guys think? Would a change be a good thing?

A positive friday!

Hello!

A combination of things has left me in a positive mood right now :) Of course, I never know when everthing will just flip again and I'm back to my completely depressive state. But I'll enjoy my good mood while it's here!

I didn't start the day off too well, I woke up to my mum irritated at me and pulling my covers off (literally) to make me get up. And all I wanted to do was stay in bed, hide from the world. Not have to drag myself up to another terrible day.

I got to school feeling awful, went to the counsellors to have Darin call me in to talk during first class (which I tried to talk to her yesterday but she had no time, so I really wanted to come today). And when they sent the pass to my teacher during class, she never actually gave it to me. It pisses me off SO much when teachers do that. And I had a calculus test next class that I needed to prepare for during study period, and obviously I couldn't leave class during calculus. So from my horribly depressed mood to my over-stressing about my calculus test, I was a total mess.

But then I took my test and it actually turned out really well, I feel very good about how I did. And after that was over and I knew I did well, it was like a BIG sigh of relief that I could relax, the week was over. I could do whatever I want this afternoon and not feel guilty for not forcing myself to bury my head in books and notes.

Lunchtime was very nice today, the weather is very nice at the moment (odd for the middle of winter?) and this was the first time in months we've been able to sit outside for lunch in the sun, which raised our moods, and it was overall a very fun time, oftentimes falling over from laughing too much!

Then I came to the library as usual while everybody's in their final class right now, and found a lovely comment from fightingtolivelife on my last post, which changed my mindset about that doctor's appointment quite a lot! She said,

"Never bother about her though...the most important thing is that you feel good!! And at least with the regard to eating and maintaining your weight, it sounds like you've progressed a lot and have come incredibly far! Don't let silly doctors spoil it for you:D"

Which is exactly right! Just what I needed to hear. It's not like one doctor can run my life, and affect my mood entirely. Another appointment is just an hour out of a couple weeks, I can't let that get me down as much as it has been (and as much as I hate going to the doctor's by now). It's true, I have made SO much progress, just because my doctor wants me to have an extra appointment to make sure I'm doing okay doesn't change that fact. I AM living a life free from my eating disorder,  and it is awesome. And whatever she says doesn't change that fact. 

And by the way:


Crazy, right?? :)