Thursday, March 28, 2013

Journal

Sorry I haven't posted lately, I have a LOT to tell, maybe I'll find time to write tomorrow. But for now, here's what I felt compelled to jot down tonight: (ignore messy writing as I'm exhausted and already in bed as I'm writing the journal page and typing this post..)



Sunday, March 17, 2013

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I could just take every pill in the house, empty every single bottle, just so everybody could see how much I'm hurting inside.

Sometimes I want to take every pill in the house to see if anything will make it better, anything at all.

Sometimes I want to take every pill in the house to escape from it all, at least for a little while until the doctors made me start breathing on my own once again.

Sometimes I want to take all the pills and not come back.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Best night ever? I think so!!

Hello everybody! I am so excited to say that I am EXTREMELY happy at the moment!!!

When have you ever heard me say that??

So, guess where I was last night?





Seeing these guys. In person. In real life.

As well as these guys..


Most amazing night of my life!!


I can't even get over how incredible that was to see them in real life. I love Maroon 5 SO much. And to see them in person at their concert, playing all of my favourite songs, it was just phenomenal! And plus seeing Owl City and Neon Trees as the opening acts, they were so fun to watch as well!

So they were having one of their concerts for the Overexposed Tour in my town on Wednesday night, and my friend and I wanted to go so badly. We were pretty much dying on the inside on Tuesday night. But we hadn't gotten tickets since it was going to be on a Wednesday night, and we would have school the next day. 

We decided though that we just absolutely couldn't miss this, so on Tuesday night less than 24 hours before the concert was happening, we frantically searched online for tickets, and got the least expensive we could find (which were still quite expensive of course getting them the night before the concert). And let me tell you, that decision was COMPLETELY worth it!!!!! 

It was the first concert I'd ever been to, and I'm pretty sure it was his first as well. Everybody told me I would have a great time, I was a little uneasy about it. You know, being agoraphobic and claustrophobic, lol! But it entirely exceeded any of my expectations about how fun it would be, it's the most fun i've EVER had!! I can't even put the experience into words, it was just amazing. 

I'll post pictures in a seperate post next (they're all on my mobile, so I'll just post them from there). 

I wish that night could never end! My friend and I are already searching for the next concert we can go to! (Any suggestions? Anybody know of any groups touring the U.S. right now/soon?). 

Friday, March 8, 2013

New blog motivation!

All of a sudden I have so much more motivation to blog. I'm commenting on almost every blog I read the posts of, and I just want to post on here constantly, every second of my life recorded on my blog (LOL)! Like, I don't know if any of you relate, but whenever I am really motivated to blog, I think, "Wow, I better go and do some cool stuff so I can blog about it!" Hahaha, like the reason for doing cool things is so that I can blog about it? Sounds like I'm doing things for the right reasons.. -.-

Maybe it's the theme change, that was WAY overdue. I can't wait to get home so I can work on it even more, make it better. Because I'm not completely happy with it right now, and of course the cover photo which I have to change.

Today my friends are all at a band competition, and I've been left alone here :( There was some big drama during study period before they left though, it was really stressful. First off, my friend had to talk to his french teacher, and she's absolutely terrible. He has been missing a fair bit of school lately because of depression (he just started on meds and therapy), and his french teacher is completely unsympathetic. I don't really want to get in the details of this conversation they had today, but it basically made me and my friend want to go over there and slap the teacher. She is accusing him of intentionally missing school on test days and all these other things, and basically forcing him into telling her exactly what's going on (which he didn't want to do), and being so unsympathetic usch. The only good thing that came out of the whole encounter was that their entire conversation was in french, and I understood all of it, whee :) 

And then my friend and I walked past an office after leaving the french room, and we saw a huge line outside one of the offices, and realized that crapppp, the AP testing sign-up forms are due today. I called my mum asap completely panicking, and thank goodness she was actually teaching a class at my school this afternoon, so she could give me the [expensive] check needed to sign up.

I'm not sure what I'll do with the rest of my day, probably just get a bunch of history coursework out of the way which my mum has been bugging me about constantly. I might go on a short bike ride, and might hang out with my friends when they get back.

Also, I saw my counsellor/psychologist at school today. I saw her yesterday, and she made me come back today as well (or else she would call my house). The visit just made me really annoyed, and now I have to see her again on Monday (whyyyyy?????? I don't even know! Usch! I thought I was done with the times of daily therapy!). I honestly don't even know why she's bothering to make me come back again. I'm kind of tempted to not even go. Although that would probably end up in bad results. No 72-hour vacations to the psych ward for me, thank you.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Question Time

Many bloggers seem to be doing a question time right now.. so I might as well also! Does anybody have any questions for me? Leave them in the comments, I'll answer them all in a post (if I get any)!

New theme (finally!)

If you reading this, then I assume you're noticing my new theme!! Yay, I finally got around to updating the (extremely old) theme I had since I started blogging! I still have a TON of adjustments to make, and I'm definitely going to be changing the photo collage at the top ASAP because the one there right now looks horrid with the background, and they're completely outdated pictures anyways! But here's a start :)

How do you like it? Feedback please?? :)

I'm also thinking of changing my blog title, since I'm no longer 'breaking free' from anorexia.. any ideas of new titles?

Is this what you want to become?

I watched this video off a link from Izzy's blog, and it was actually quite terrifying to watch. It could possibly be triggering to somebody with an ED, so if you are easily triggered by extreme skinniness, I would say you probably shouldn't watch the video. However at the same time, it is a very eye-opening video about how serious this sickness can become, and I'm not entirely sure because it's been such a long time since I've had a 'sick' mindset, but I believe if somebody showed me this video when I was struggling, it would make me realise the path I was on. So with that said, I guess it's up to you if you think you could watch it.

Here's the link to the video.

It makes me so sad to watch it, and so relieved that things never got to that point with me. I can't imagine living like that. To anyone thinking in a 'pro-ana' way, is this really something you want to aspire to be? Being (literally) a walking skeleton with some skin stretched across? There is so much better things to life, than this. What you see in this video is not a way to live.

Pro-ana is a whole other topic I haven't addressed on my blog, I certainly have a LOT to say about it, I just haven't gotten around to it I guess. It's such a big thing to talk about, such a complicated aspect of anorexia. (Just for the record, I'm against it.) Maybe I'll start working on a post about it soon.

Another thing about this video is the comments. Whenever there's a video/documentary about anorexia on youtube or anything else, it seems that 3/4 of the comments are idiots saying things like, "Why can't she just eat? Someone give her some food. Eating's not that hard. She's so stupid for doing this." I can't even believe this ignorance, it makes me so infuriated. If I watch a video relating to ED's, I tend to just not even look at the comments box anymore, because it makes me too mad. You really don't understand anything about having an eating disorder, about how strong it really is, unless you've had one.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Square 1

Hello!

I saw my doctor yesterday, I was SO relieved to hear that everything's going fine, and -wait for it-  

I don't have to see her again for a month!!!

I've been waiting to hear that from her for sooooo long. I just hate going to the hospital a lot, having all the tests, seeing my super annoying doctor. It's just like a big waste of time. I was super happy after that. 

But after seeing my doctor, I went to see my psychiatrist. Which didn't go so great. I recently had a med increase (i'm now at 3x the recommended dose, and the max possible for my age/weight -.-). And the increase did NOT go well, as maybe I've mentioned? I'm not sure if I said anything about it. But basically, depression went way up, I got super unstable, suicidal thoughts became far more frequent, and I got really impulsive sometimes. Not good. And it's also caused a huge lack in motivation, and my grades have started slipping downwards as a result, which is completely the opposite of what I'm usually like. I'm typically one of the top students, always getting my work done perfectly right away (before I even get home), getting top grades on exams, etc. So this behaviour for me, not doing my work and such, is completely unlike me. 

When my mum found out about this yesterday, she completely flipped out. She was crying for about half an hour, we were practically yelling arguing, her first impulse was to watch me do all my work and check that every assignment is completed daily and such like that, which I know would only make things worse. And she was just so upset and mad and dissappointed, I mean my grades aren't even that bad! There are people that would LOVE to have grades like the ones I have right now! It's just that it's not as good as my usual perfect. I know that I can get out of this little dip on my own. 

After that terrible appointment, my mum hardly even looked my direction for half the day. I just felt like complete shit. Like I was a disappointment, a failure, I absolutely hated myself. And that's how I'm still feeling today. I'm completely worthless failure. I've been practically on the verge of crumpling down into tears all day. And last night, the thoughts that I'm not worth being alive would not leave me alone. Although I know that's not true, I wouldn't act on these thoughts. But they were there. 

It didn't help at all that I had two tests today, one in Japanese and one in Calculus. Both of which I was extremely anxious about and didn't have the energy or mindset to put much studying into last night, after what happened at the appointments. But thankfully, they've both gone well, I'm almost certain I got a 100% on my Japanese, and I'm crossing my fingers about the maths, I'm pretty sure I got at least a B on that (hoping for an A!! Show my mum I'm worth something??). 

I was especially anxious about these tests because I felt I had to prove to my mum, I'm not stupid and worthless, I can do well, my life is not completely ruined. I mean, it's only been six weeks into the semester, and I am certain I can easily raise my grades!!! I really don't know why she was freaking out so much. 

When we were with the psychiatrist and she was crying and freaking out, it felt exactly like we were at square 1 when she first found out about my ED/Depression/suicidalness/etc. She even said that herself. That it felt like that moment. Which I am so confused about..? I mean, it's a couple not perfect grades that will be much higher within a couple weeks.!!! Its not like I'm entering hospital or dying or anything. The way she reacted you would've thought I had just told her I was pregnant or something!! And she has never been like this in my life, she's always been extremely supportive. I've been the one that says, it is NOT acceptable for me to get anything less than a high A, perfect marks. And she's always supported me, saying, it's okay to get a B, it won't be the end of the world. Saying I need to stop pushing myself so hard. So my depression gets really bad and takes over me, and my grades slip a little bit, and she freaks out angry and disappointed in me? I just don't get it. 

Sorry for how long I rambled on about all that. Congrats if you actually made it through all that text :) I'm just trying to figure out myself what happened yesterday. Why my mum's being like this, making me feel like shit. But we'll get through it, I'll get my grades up (not that they're even bad??), and the whole thing will pass over. 

Now it's just to manage all my negative thoughts about myself, and be able to deal with my depression enough to get my life back in order. What's on my mind right now is basically how I was a couple years ago, that I have to swallow my depression and push it to the back of my mind, just become a perfect little robot with no feelings, doing everything right while secretly feeling horrible. I know this is the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing right now, I'm supposed to be healing my depression and getting better, not pushing it back in me where it will only get worse and worse as it's ignored, but if that's what I have to do to please my mum, if she's not going to accept me for the place I'm in right now, I guess that's what I'll have to do.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Right now

Just wrote out this tumblr post, this is pretty much what's on my mind:

http://aworldofsquares.tumblr.com/post/44528027792/more-so-i-just-found-the-most-perfect

Lots of negativity going around in my mind at the moment, feeling absolutely horrible about myself right now. No need to write all of that out though, I'm sure everybody reading this knows exactly how that is.