Thursday, May 23, 2013

Yay!

Lots of great news! I'm keeping this post short because I'm so exhausted, can't wait to fall into bed. Get ready for some bragging:

Yesterday I found out, I was accepted into a two week summer program at Stanford University (super prestigious uni in America if you haven't heard of it)!!!!! They only accept 40 students and you need to be recommended by a teacher (calculus teacher) to even apply. So I'm SUPER proud of myself and can't wait for it!! It'll be really rigorous but so fun, the program is an intensive course on computer programming. And we each get a macbook to keep :D (like, for the rest of our lives!). AND the program doesn't even cost anything. Sorry for all the bragging, but sometimes we each have the right to show off a bit when we worked really hard to get something great :)

Also, today the SAT scores came out today (really important national test in America) and I did really well, got a 2080 out of the 2400 scale. I'm really happy with my score and relieved that I did well, I think I will take it again in August to try and raise my score a bit, I would love to get into the 2100 or 2200 range (very high target, I know) but I won't overwork myself to get there, I'm already extremely proud of myself for how well I did. And if that's my best, well then that's okay!

I'm practically collapsing on my desk of exhaustion now, it's been such a hectic time. Only 9 days of school left though, YAY is all I can say. What a huge relief.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Handling negative body image

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DURING A BAD BODY IMAGE DAY:

1. Recognize that fat isn’t a feeling.

There are always underlying emotions that we attach to feeling fat. When the “I feel fat” thoughts start up, try to identify what you’re feeling underneath the body dissatisfaction. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Invisible? Scared? Ashamed? Inadequate? Whatever the feelings are recognize that they are separate from your body.

2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.

Because it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves in the moment when the body hating thoughts take over, try responding to your thoughts as if you were supporting a friend. What would you say to someone you loved who was battling your same struggle with body image?

You wouldn’t tell them to not eat for the day in order to compensate for what they ate the previous night. You wouldn’t tell them to punish themselves for their body size through over-exercise, self-harm, or abusive eating habits. You wouldn’t tell them they were worthless or unloveable because of their weight. So why do you tell yourself these things? Break the cycle and start treating yourself like a friend—you deserve that kindness and love from everyone, especially yourself.

3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body.

What you look like does not define you. It doesn’t discount your worth as a human being. You are so much more than a number on the scale. As a living, breathing, feeling human being you have inherent value. You are special and important and loved. You exist and therefore you matter.

Your appearance is such a small part of who you are, and it certainly doesn’t warrant enough power to discount the person you are inside. You aren’t your body or your weight—you are your goals and dreams and passions and values. You are your strengths and talents and insight. You are a soul and a spirit and a force of nature. Your body does not define you.

4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.

Make a list of all the people you look up to and are inspired by—not because of their weight or appearance, but because of who they are and what they do. Write out all the qualities they have that make you appreciate and value them.

Use the list as a reminder that it’s the internal things—our dreams and passions and goals and morals and insight and character—that truly define who we are and draw people to us; not how we look.

You are no exception to this. Try making your own list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with appearance or body size. If you have a difficult time creating one, ask some friends and family to help you.

5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.

I don’t want people to remember me for what I looked like, what size jeans I wore, or what I weighed. I want to be remembered for the person I am. I want to be remembered as someone who brought about positive change in the world. I want to be remembered as loving friend, partner, and family member. I want to be remembered for my passions and my creativity and my strength. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. What do you want your legacy to be? Chances are, it doesn’t have to do with weight.

6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do.

The human body is an incredible force. When we get caught up in the number on the scale and size of clothes however, we forget just how lucky we are to have a fully functioning vehicle to engage in life with. So stop hating your body for the way it looks and start acknowledging and appreciating your body for all that it allows you to do.

Make a list of each activity and feat your body helps you to partake in and accomplish. If you want to be even more specific, list out each body part and describe all the things you wouldn’t be able to do without it. Your body is strong, powerful, and beautiful, regardless of it’s size. Choose to treat it with love, compassion, and gratitude instead of hate and judgement.

7. Challenge your negative thoughts.

You may not be able to change the way you feel about your body today, tomorrow, or a month from now, but you can begin the process by challenging the thoughts in the moment. Write out a dialogue between your negative voice and a healthy voice. If you have a hard time coming up with positive counters to the negative thoughts, pretend that you are speaking positively about a friend or loved one.

Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it, because each time you argue with the thoughts, you are taking away some of their power and reclaiming your own. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them. The more you argue back, the easier fighting the voice will become.

8. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying the way we feel about our bodies. Holding in how we feel or engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It doesn’t make us feel better and it keeps us stuck.

Releasing the energy and painful emotions underlying our body shame requires us to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out.

9. Do self care.

When you’re struggling with body image, distract yourself with healthy coping mechanisms. Take a bubble bath, get a message, ask for a back scratch, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, get a manicure, listening to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something self-soothing and helps you get out of your head.

10. Be kind with yourself.

You may not be able to control the way you feel about your body, but you can control what you do in response to how you feel.

Instead of beating yourself up, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion. Instead of engaging in unhealthy and abusive behaviors, you can choose to do self-care. Instead of treating your body as an enemy, you can choose to treat it as a friend. Instead of isolating yourself, you can choose to reach out for support and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved and accepted. Instead of agreeing with the negative thoughts, you can choose to challenge them.

***You have more power than you think—don’t let the way you feel about your body keep you from living.

Coping with bad body image days may not be easy, but it is possible.

Don’t give up.

You aren’t alone.

Things can and will get better.



From http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/26458379054

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

fuckkkkkk

Ok sorry for the swearing. BUT I'M JUST FREAKING OUT A BIT. I just found out I have only 18 days left to finish my entire history coursework. And I still have 4.5 units to go (less than halfway). FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'm screwed. I'm not screwed, I just need to WORK EXTREMELY DILIGENTLY and not spend a second doing anything else, UGH. Freaking out freaking out freaking out. My mum is going to have SUCHHHH a mouthful to give me when she gets home, which won't help the situation one bit. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. STRESS. Time to hit the books and try to finish a unit and a half before mum gets home so I can at least say I'm halfway done with the class (won't make the situation any better????? :/). 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Music

My current music..







All absolute perfection. And now for the weird:



Bizarre but what can I say, I love them :)

Life Lessons from Yoga

I just did an amazing yoga flow, and something the teacher said during it really struck a chord with me. It's amazing how so many aspects in yoga can be applied to life as well. The teacher said when going into child's pose after a headstand:

"...releasing of the shoulders that are doing an incredible amount of work, they're not used to supporting the weight of the body, even though they are quite capable of doing so for extended amounts of time. But having patience more than anything with our practice and the progression of our poses, especially ones that require us to take on new perspectives, to flip the way that we see things, the way that we interact with the world. Using now our upper parts to be our lower parts, our lower parts to be our upper parts. Having the same confidence that we have when we stand on our feet when we stand in our hands, when we stand in our forearms."

I see this as very relevant in eating disorder recovery. We are required to suddenly shift our perspectives of everything in our lives. That which we thought was necessary is in actuality bringing us towards death, and that which is unthinkable is what will save us and make everything alright. Beginning to eat or feeling happiness again, or any shift in mindset for that matter, and trusting that it is okay is like going into an inversion in yoga, being supported by a limb that isn't strong or isn't used often. However, when we practice it regularly, we build up strength in that limb, until eventually we can be fully supported in that position and know that we can trust ourselves and our bodies. We just need to make that transition, realize that the flip in perspective is okay. Trusting in ourselves and others that it will be okay. 

I hope any of that made sense to you? I feel like it made so much sense in my head especially during the flow, but now typing it out it's harder to be eloquent. But hopefully you got the idea. 

(This is the flow which I got the quote from, a very great one, would recommend.)

10 Phases of ED Recovery

Got this from Izzy's blog, I thought it was a very accurate post and that I would share it with you as well.. I remember being at every one of these steps through my recovery, and they're all extremely difficult in their own way. But eventually, if you keep working at it, you'll get to 10!


8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder

I think the most difficult for me was probably 4, when I realized I was dying and hurting not only myself but everybody around me. Causing so much money to be spent, taking up their mental capacity and time, them being worried about me constantly (my parents). But I didn't want to do anything different, I didn't know how, I was comfortable in my behaviours, and I was just starting to realise how trapped I really was. 

7 was a very difficult step as well, since I was doing everything I needed to be doing physically but mentally I remained unchanged. And I felt like an absolute failure for not doing what my thoughts were telling me to. Like my inner sickness didn't match my outer appearance of recovery. 

I'm sure I could find a post from my blog from every single stage of this outline :) I won't do that of course, that would take too much time and I need to be studying! But maybe eventually I'll do that? :)

Which of these steps are you at? Which have you found most difficult?

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mindset Shift

Sometimes I can have good days just by being in the right mindset, like maybe bad things happen or nothing happens at all and yet I'm just in the right mindset to take everything as it comes and not let it bother me. But then once I let this mindset down, as it can get tiring to think like that (takes a lot of effort to be positive!) everything comes crushing down and I remember all the bad. And I'm in negative mindset once again.

I have days like this where I feel positive and good every once in a while, not often though- today's one of those rare days. It's a very nice feeling. But then at the same time it's almost uncomfortable because I'm not used to it, I'm just used to being numb and depressed and shy. So feeling confident and good and able to handle everything is really strange. And it doesn't last anyways.



Not too sure where I'm going with this post?

Anyways, I see my ED doctor this afternoon, ick. I hope it goes well. There's no reason it shouldn't, I haven't given doctors appointments a second thought lately? If it doesn't go well I'll probably just refuse to come back anyway because I honestly don't need them anymore. I'm living my life without my ED in the picture. Yes it crops up at times, but I'm always able to manage it and get it back out. I want to just never go back to those stupid doctors, so many bad memories and they're so bitchy a lot of the time (excuse my language)!! And so suspicious all the time. ugh. The one thing I'm somewhat worried about is my scars from last week, but hopefully she won't notice, and if she does I'll probably just brush it off. Tell the truth, that it was just a minor slip-up and I got through it, there's no reason to worry about it. I realised that it didn't help at all, just made things worse if anything. I think if I tell her that she won't make a big deal of it.

Well I'm off to get a bagel now as usual and probably do a bit of painting downtown, hope you're all having good days. Wish me luck in my doctor appointment :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Lazy day of attempts at studying

My day is pretty much explained by the title! Been trying to apply myself to studying today, but my focus isn't at it's best. So most of the day has been spent listening to music and watching Gilmore Girls episodes (easily my absolute favourite series of all time, I just started watching it ALL again from the beginning :)).



I just love this show so much, if you've never watched it I would HIGHLY recommend it. It's the show of my preteen years, the one I would watch every single day when it came on :') It makes me SO happy. 

Well there hasn't really been any point to this post.. tell me about your day, as I'm sure it has been more interesting than mine! :)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Summer feeling

Today I woke up at 12, haha! It was a long week and much-deserved sleep in. I then met my friend at 1 in town where I got a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast/lunch, and then we rode our bikes through the park to a neighboring town about half an hour away by bike. We spent some time there at a really great bookstore and then we went to get frozen yogurt, perfect after a super hot bike ride. It's definitely feeling like summer. I had a frozen custard with strawberries, which is pretty much the best thing ever, 100000/10 would recommend. Then we did the bike ride home by the end of which we were exhausted. I went home, and got ready to go out for dinner with my mum and dad for mother's day (yea, it's tomorrow, but whatever). That was pretty nice, although my dad is so stressful to be around I don't usually enjoy his company.

To go along with that summer feeling, of course I'm sporting a bright red sunburn on my forearms/hands now, the joy of having pale skin, towards the beginning of summer I ALWAYS forget to put on sunscreen and learn my lesson the hard way when I remember how easily I burn -.- At least it's not too painful, or at least not yet, we'll see how it is tomorrow. Not making that mistake again!


My delicious frozen custard ^



My friend's frozen yogurt ^

Friday, May 10, 2013

New header!!

I've finally made that new header I've been talking about doing for so long!! Now I just need to think of a new title for my blog.. as I'm no longer really "breaking free" from anorexia? :) It's kind of sad changing the title at the same time though, I'm so used to the current one, I've had the blog for over a year now I think? But anyways, I really like how the new header turned out, still a few edits I want to make to it but for now it'll do until I find more time to work on it :) I'm also not entirely happy with the current theme. Maybe I'll set aside some time tomorrow to work on blog makeover tweaks!

Now I'm off to bed after an exhausting week, tomorrow my plan is to bike across town to the bagel shop in the morning for breakfast and then spend my day out of the house, not just sitting on my butt in front of the computer ;) goodnight!

10 May

Hello!

Graduation is exactly four weeks from today. It's almost summer. Just one more final push to the end.

Today was pretty uneventful.. I went to classes. I had lunch. I listened sadly while everybody made their prom plans (just keep reminding myself, I have next year. and maybe even a boyfriend by then?? ;)). Now I'm in the library until my friends are done with classes. I'm thinking of going into town to get a snack if I have enough money because I really don't feel like doing anything productive at the moment, still recovering from my last couple weeks of insane studying. Crossing my fingers that I have a few dollars.. because even though I ate my entire lunch today (yay! kicking this little relapse asap!!), I'm still STARVING right now, probably because yesterday my eating was all weird.. I cooked myself pasta for dinner around 4 and then had a bagpipe band rehearsal from 6:30 to 9:30, my usual dinnertime. And when I went home I was super hungry but nothing looked good to me so I didn't end up having much. So now I'm so so so so SOO hungry. Maybe I'll get a bit of frozen yogurt, that sounds good!

Tonight I'm planning on going to dinner with my mum and then heading to the ice rink for a couple of hours (FINALLY). I want to go shopping, need some more summer clothes now that it's warm weather (I NEED this amazing dress, only $10!!!!), but with the current state of my wrists and legs, I'm not so sure that's a good idea to do today. SO regretting that. And I just found out that I have a doctor appointment on monday with my ED doctor, crappppppppp, there will be questions and I'm not too excited for that, it was just a little blip and it won't happen again (or not regularly, I'm not going back down that path. As I said, I'm kicking this backtracking before it gets serious.) So hopefully that goes well :/

As a final little remark, I just have to say, there are some seriously strange people that come to the library, LOL. I feel very uncomfortable a lot of the time surrounded by people talking to themselves or waving their arms around strangely....... -.-

Hope you're all having good days, happy to say that this is a relatively good one compared to my recent days :)

Thank You

I'm sorry I hardly ever comment on anybody's blogs any more. I'm dealing with so much in my life right now that I just haven't had the bandwidth to read/comment on others at the moment (I've hardly updated my own blog as it is??). And especially with giving advice and such, when I'm in a hard place myself it can just be too much to attempt helping out somebody else in a hard time, like I need to put all my energy into keeping myself together. I hope that makes sense.

But I also wanted to say a big thank you to some of my readers, a lot of you always give me so much support and although I haven't responded to comments lately I want you to know that I appreciate them so much and it really does help me out quite a lot. I want to give an especially big thank you to CJ who always gives me such supportive comments, I know I hardly respond or check up on your blog and I'm really sorry about that but please know that I appreciate you so much and wish I could give you as much support as you've given me <3

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Anger

Lately I've had these extremely strange swells of violently angry emotion. Like I'll be walking across campus and see the guy who did stuff to me last year, and want to just run over and start hitting him with my books, to hurt him like he hurt me. (I talked about that in this post.) And today it kind of happened again. Not with him specifically, but I was sitting in english class and it was like this huge swell of anger came up in me and I had to do something, I just wanted to throw my desk across the room and find all the people who have hurt me and hurt them. Destroy something. Rip papers from the walls. Lose control.

That sounds so awful. Maybe I shouldn't even post this. I'm not like this, this isn't me. I'm not a violent person. I can't even kill a fly or an ant, if I accidentally step on a bug I spend the rest of the day in horror. I don't know why these thoughts are here. But they're scaring me. It's not me. I've never been like this before. I don't like it. I want it to go away. I'm just hoping I never actually do lose control. I don't want to be sent to the psych ward. I don't want people to think I'm crazy.

What's wrong with me, I need to keep myself together, I'm falling apart here.

Breaking point.

I'm not doing well.

Last night I ended up cutting myself really badly. I haven't hurt myself in months. It was awful. Now I just keep repeating, what was I thinking, what was I thinking? And triggered by a stupid prom drama?? But I've realised, that's not the only thing, not the only reason I'm being so affected. I've been having such a hard time lately but it's been all kept inside, my mind has been spinning downwards and everything is just not good. But I can't put it into words anymore, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know what's bothering me. I don't know anything. I just know that I'm pretty messed up.

Therapy doesn't help anymore. I hate therapy. I go, we have some pleasant conversation about what I've been up to, she asks how I've been feeling, I try to tell her, and we both kind of give up. I've reduced therapy to every 2 weeks, probably not the best idea with panic attacks and hurting myself left and right. But whatever. It doesn't even help. This time I'm going 3 weeks without therapy because of schedule conflicts. Perfect timing.

Anyways, I think I've had so much going on in my head that I couldn't express, I've felt so awful but it's like that's just how it is. Nobody really wants to help or cares enough to try. (I know that's not true. I know they want to help. But they just don't know how.) And all of that emotion and despair culminated in last night, with the prom stuff, when I hit breaking point and just had to do something. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could wear shorts and short sleeves right now, since summer weather has just hit, but I can't do that for probably a week or more now until the scars fade (they're pretty bad). And I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. With all the prom excitement and graduation coming up and pushing towards the end of the year, it feels like I'm growing more seperate from my friends. Or, that's just in my head, we're still really close of course but I feel like I can't be bothering them or something. Completely ridiculous, I know that's not true. I can't really talk to my therapist or my counsellor at school. I don't want to worry my mum. I don't want to trigger my friends who are dealing with the same things.

My eating disorder is taking a grip in my mind again, or trying really hard to.  I didn't have lunch today. I haven't been having lunch recently. Or I've had some, but not much. It's not so much of intentional restriction, it's just like one of those automatic motions I'd gotten rid of- I'm stressed out, feeling not good enough, ugly, different, like a failure, so therefore I automatically don't eat lunch. But I'm about to walk into town to get myself a bagel to eat since I'm pretty dizzy and I know I need to kick this tiny tiny tiny tiiiiiny relapse before it gets stronger. I hate to say that. I'm not relapsing. I'm not relapsing. I'm not. I never thought I would relapse. I refuse to believe that I am. Maybe I'm just having a little blip. THIS IS NOT A RELAPSE. The thought that this possibly is scares me to death. I'm not going to relapse.

I think what's upsetting me a lot about this whole prom situation is that the feeling reminds me of what happened last year. My "best friend" (I hate hate hate to say that) who was sexually harassing me got a girlfriend, and things got messy, you've probably heard me write about it. (Here's the post where I first talked about it.) I know it's a totally different situation than that, but the same emotions of me not being good enough, of him choosing another girl over me even though he and I are closer. The conflicts of being best friends but maybe something more. It's painful for me just to think about this, revisiting those emotions, feeling things again that I tried so hard not to feel. Relationships are too complicated. I want a guy to choose me, not some other girl. I want to be in a relationship. But at the same time I don't. I'm terrified to. I'm terrified they will just take advantage of me.

Ugh, I'm done writing about that, I don't want to think about it any more.

I just feel like sleeping.

Hope you're all doing better than I am.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

An hour later

I'm feeling better about the whole situation now. Still sad of course.. but okay. I'm happy for my friend. I'm happy again that I did well on my exam. I'm happy that now I can allow myself to relax, spend the first day in a long time not having to study for something.

I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced, and I have a crazy idea of doing it today? But I don't know.. seems a bit impulsive.? And the main reason, I'm really scared!!!!!! So I'll definitely let you know if that happens :) and I'm going to try to get to the ice rink to do some skating tonight, I was going on sunday afternoon but then my mum and I were busy focusing on work and decided to go at nighttime instead, and then found out later that there wasn't night skating that day :/ okay, well I just checked to make sure there was skating tonight but it's only till 5, so maybe I'll make it tomorrow night if I can't today? wait darn I have bagpipe rehearsal tomorrow, maybe friday then :/ thinking out loud here haha! Anyhow I'll definitely be trying to get to the ice rink asap!

By the looks of today I'll probably just end up sitting in bed watching series all day! Not too bad of a way to spend time either :)

How are you all doing? Tell me about your day, I feel like hearing about somebody else's life besides my own, mine tends to be either extremely boring or extremely dramatic

Lead Heart

I felt so good after the calculus ap test, I think I did really well on it. Such a relief. But then my friend and I walk over to lunch and see him in a suit, she runs over to him and asked how it went, he smiles and says that she said yes. I’m confused and then I remember, prom, fucking prom. And then my heart feels like lead and all my happiness from the test rushes away. He asked someone else today. He didn’t ask me. Why didn’t he ask me. He should have. I guess I’m not even good enough for my best friend of 7 years. Now I can hardly keep from crying.

(text post copied directly from my tumblr, I'm too lazy and upset to actually write another post for this blog)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

A strange morning.

Hello, I have had quite a strange day so far, and it isn't even 1pm yet! I'm EXTREMELY stressed at the moment, as I have a physics final tomorrow, SAT on Saturday, and the Calculus AP test on Wednesday. Funnnnn. So my entire life right now is hauling around books, studying every spare moment, stressing out, stressing out some more, and not sleeping because I'm too stressed. I just have to make it through the next 6 days, and I'm done. Exactly 6 days from this moment I'll be just getting out of my calculus AP, and will be able to breathe a sigh of relief, but until then it's time for relentless studying, my books are like an attachment to my arm.

So anyways, this morning after having terrible sleep last night, I woke up feeling truly awful. I didn't want to go to school, but I knew it would be for the best if I just went and sat my few hours of classes. So I got up, got ready to go, I was already running quite late and knew I wouldn't make it to my first class on time. When I finally got to school a few minutes after the first class started, I decided, I still felt awful and wasn't up to class at that moment, and I should really just go talk to Darin, my counsellor/therapist person at school. I went into her office and to my alarm the guy who sexually harrassed me last year was sitting there. I told Darin I wanted to talk to her, she had a few people to talk to before me and I could either wait there or go to class. I wanted to just wait, not feeling up to class, but then I looked around and the ONLY empty seats were on either side of the guy. I was already on edge about just being in the room with him (he is in that class we were both missing also, to make it an even BETTER situation, we would see eachother either way, it's like there's no escaping him). There was no fucking way I was going to sit next to him, NOT an option. I considered just standing there awkwardly when there were clearly seats there, and did for a few minutes, but then I just couldn't stand the situation and told the secretary that I was just going to go to class after all. And it was so awkward since he knew exactly what was going on as well, and just UGH no no no no no. I got the pass from the secretary and left the room, and then went to my locker to pick up my books for Japanese class, and when walking through the hallways I just went into full panic attack. It was afwul. I started running on the way to my locker because I couldn't stand everything, I needed to get out, get somewhere, run run run, get away from myself. And when I finally got to my locker I sat down in the hallway leaning against my locker (or more like curled up on the floor) and tried to deal with all the panic the best I could, I was breathing really fast and trying not to start sobbing right there. I sat there in the hallway for about 10-15 minutes while I was supposed to be in class, during which an English class from my grade walked past me, SUPER awkward because so many people I know were in that class and saw me like that. Finally after the panic subsided for the most part, I went back to the office and said I wouldn't be going to the class after all. Thankfully the guy was in his appointment by then, and I had to wait about 45 mins until I could see Darin.

I was looking forward to talking to her and getting out all the stuff on my crazy mind. But when I went in there, I talked a bit and then she basically talked for the WHOLE rest of the time, I could hardly fit a word in on my part, and that pissed me off a ton. I didn't even end up talking about my panic attack just an hour before or anything, what the hell! Talking to her did absolutely NOTHING at all to help, if anything it made me feel even worse because I don't really have the connection with her I used to, she annoys me now because of things like this and I don't think she ever helps much anymore when I see her (very seldom at the moment). And before I always felt like there was this person I could go talk to if I needed, now there's not. Then it was the half hour study period which sucked as well. I was still full of anxiety, and looked forward to seeing my friends because they're always so helpful but today I was just being so annoyed by them. And they didn't even really listen to me when I was trying to talk. I left multiple times, once to see my english teacher about some extra assignments, and a couple times just to see if I could find anyone else to hang out with/talk to that wasn't annoying, but of course I don't have any other friends, my other one is at her eating disorder treatment program every other day so she wasn't at school today. So I just ended up going back to them. And meanwhile, anxiety was rising up and up once again, just like in the morning, I was just holding myself back from another panic attack the entire time. And I had this huge anger well up in me also, I saw the guy again walking across the school and I had a really strong urge to go and start hitting him with my books and swearing and telling him everything I think of him and how much he screwed me up. I wanted to hurt him, badly. Hurt him like he hurt me. I usually do get really upset/anxious/mad when I see him, but not like this. I resisted though and didn't do anything.

And I couldn't talk to my friends about any of this because they were being annoyingly self-absorbed and not really caring about me much.

So overall it was an awful morning. Calculus class calmed me down a lot. We spend the end of the period doing fast oral practice, where the teacher was basically saying problems out loud one after the other and we had to write them down and solve them as we went. It was super intense and exhausting, actually like a workout for the brain, like the same feeling mentally as it would be physically running a 1 mile race or something. That was really nice just getting in the zone, not having room to think about ANY anxiety or anything else besides just maths. And since that my day has been more normal, I had lunch with my friends and helped them study for their English test and now I'm stopping in the library to type this before I go to get the rest of my lunch from a bagel shop in town since we were out of bread this morning, and then I'm back to school to meet up with my friends after their class and we'll probably study together this afternoon. Maybe I'll be able to talk to them more about my day then. Get it out somehow. Because I'm still not quite right.