This page is pretty much about who I am without my eating disorder, what the rest of my life is like. For more information about the history of my anorexia, go to the My Story page, that's what that page is for :)
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I guess I'll start out by saying, I don't really know who I am. I pretty much define myself by everything that I do and am involved in. All of the things on the outside. Somewhere along the way, through the past two years of anorexia and major depression, I've lost who I really am. It's like I've slowly died on the inside, and now all that's left is a shell going through all the motions of my life. I'll still give you some more background on myself anyways though, give you a better idea of who I am! :)
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Me at a music event, around July 2011
Well, I'll start with general information I suppose :) My real name is not Anja, but that's what my name is going to be on this blog. I actually think it fits me much better than my real name, which I've never really liked. I'm a teenager, I won't say how old I am specifically for obvious reasons. I'll say, I'm somewhere between 14-17 :) I live in the United States, but truthfully I hate it here. It's not a horrible place or anything, but I've never really felt like I belong here. I really belong in Europe, the time I've spent there was the best of my life and I really love everything about it so much more than here. I really felt like I was home when I was in Europe, here I don't really fit in at all with pretty much everything that is "american". But as soon as possible I'll be moving over to Europe, that is my biggest goal/desire for my life, to move out of this country (haha, I guess that sounds kinda bad??). I'm actually kind of embarrassed to say that I'm american, I feel like there are these bad stereotypes of americans which I'm not at all, but actually the stereotypes are pretty true I would say.. Anyways, I live on the West Coast of the U.S. (where I especially don't fit in at all). I won't say where along the coast, but that gives you a general idea!
I'm an extremely shy person. I hate talking. I hate loud situations. If I could, I would not talk at all, be completely silent. It's not really practical though I guess, my parents start to get irritated with me whenever I get too silent. I'm the kind of person that when I'm walking down a sidewalk and a person's coming, I'll cross the street just to avoid any potential conversation.. okay maybe I'm a little too shy and antisocial? It's just who I am :) I do wish I was less shy, it often gets in my way a lot, especially in classes. But in general I like to be on the quieter side. People who are loud annoy me a lot, and also people that feel the need to say absolutely EVERYTHING on their mind. My mum is kind of like that, and it annoys me to death sometimes- as in, she just says thoughts that come up and is always talking to me about random things. I prefer more to filter things in my mind, I never just say something that pops up. If I have a thought, I never say it out loud unless I think about if it's really necessary to say. Maybe I'm really weird, but that's just me, I've always been extremely shy and quiet.
One of my big passions is languages. I love learning languages, they are the most interesting and fun thing to learn and I have a huge list that I want to learn. In school I'm taking Japanese, and I would say I'm pretty decent at it. As in, I'm nowhere close to fluent, but I would probably be able to get by using Japanese, and I've dreamed in it a few times which is really cool! I'm one of the better ones in my class.. I think I'm in the top three. I like learning Japanese, but I really regret taking it actually, I would MUCH rather be taking French. I'm really mad at myself for choosing Japanese, and it's too late by now to switch to French (for number of years needed to get into good universities and such). I still love the opportunity to learn a language though, and I may start taking French classes separately from school. Besides Japanese, i've also studied Swedish outside of school. I'm pretty terrible at speaking it, and I haven't been doing my lessons for a while since I got too busy to fit it in so I lost a lot of ability to write in Swedish. I can understand a lot of it still though when I read Swedish, and hopefully I'll be able to start up my lessons again soon!
Some of my other things I like: Photography, tea, shopping, sitting in cafes, running, walks through the park, swings, baking, naps, playing piano, rain.
Tree-climbing at the park with a friend.
Taken around January 2012
Kind of a more art-picture :) but I really like this one.
Taken around August 2011
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Flute (this goes in a separate section because it's so important, Flute is pretty much main thing- or only thing a lot of the time- that defines me.)-- The most important thing in my life is music. I have played flute for 6 years now, and decided around my second or third year of playing that it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Since then I have gotten more and more music activities loaded onto me, leading up to now when I'm playing flute for almost 24 hours a week. I have 2-2.5 hours of practice every day and orchestra rehearsal for the entire friday night. On sundays I drive to a city an hour away for my flute lessons and flute quartet rehearsals. I also sometimes go up on thursdays, so it's usually between 2 and 6 hours of driving every week to my lessons/quartet. We also have quartet performances fairly often (which are also usually an hour or more away). So, my music schedule is a little crazy :) Also, my teacher is extremely intense. Well, I don't really know how to describe her.. but my mum says she's pretty much emotionally abusive. She yells at us and says horrible things sometimes, makes us feel completely terrible. And she also sends the worst emails, they often make you want to just go die. She's an amazing teacher regardless though, the top in the area besides possibly one other teacher. If I learn to handle all the hard things she's put me through, I think she's definitely worth it. My entire summers are also filled with music, going to various intensive camps and such plus having crazy all-day practice sessions and things like that. I used to be extremely motivated about flute, I would be excited to put in all the crazy hours to practice and rehearsals. However, in the past few months things have kind of changed. I started to love it less and less, beginning to feel more trapped into this life. It was like my entire life had been planned out for years, and I had absolutely no room to do anything else I enjoyed. I had no option but to do this, especially with all the pressure my mum put on me about it. I lost motivation for it, and instead flute became something extremely stressful. Well, it had always been extremely stressful, but before it was more a good type of stress, if you know what I mean? I lost my love for playing flute, it just wasn't fun anymore. I am still at this point now. I have no idea right now what I want to do with my life. We told my flute teacher about my eating disorder, so things with her may lighten up slightly. We're not certain if I'm going to be playing at the year-end recital, which in some ways is really sad for me because it's the most important event of the year, but also it's a big relief, not having the stress of that. I still have time to decide on that though. Meanwhile, I may lighten up on flute a bit and try out a bit more things, see what I really like doing. Focus on getting free from my eating disorder and depression, and learning to enjoy my life once again. Maybe when I'm able to be happy once more, I'll be able to have a better idea of what I'll want to spend my life doing. However, I'm definitely not going to completely let go of flute or anything, since it's all I've been working towards for many years. I can't just let that all go and throw away all my hard work. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually be able to love it once more :)
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